OVERIT

I am once "again", newly sober. Got out of detox on Valentine's day. I wanted to go, my husband wanted me to go and so did my kids. The thing is, they all think (well at least my daughter and my husband), that now that I'm done with detox, I should be "cured".

Don't get me wrong, I have gone to a meeting every night since. And the people there have been wonderful. I have gotten so many phone numbers and two people have given me books, just from their heart. My husband is understanding when I go to these meetings.

BUT, I just want him and my daughter to UNDERSTAND that this is not just a matter of willpower. That I am not doing it (drinking) because that I don't love them. I have asked my husband to read AA literature to help him better understand. He won't. He says that I am the one with the problem, not him. And my daughter, she just won't talk at all about it. Someone suggested at a meeting that I just print out literature and stick it in her school books. I suppose that could not hurt.

I just want them to understand that it is a DISEASE. I did not choose it.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

Thanks for letting me share.


xoxoxoxo

Ang

Anna

Hi Ang,

I completely understand how you feel. I so badly wanted my husband and kids to understand how hard it was and how much I was trying to overcome addiction. But, they didn't understand and only wanted me to stop so life could go back to normal. I eventually began to realize that I wanted them to forgive me. I thought, if they understood it all, then they would forgive me. But, it didn't work that way. They wanted me to stop drinking, that's it. The reasons why and all of that stuff didn't interest them. That's why I am so glad to have SR. Here people understand how really hard it is and how hard we try.

Just focus on yourself and staying sober and your family will see that and respond.

CarolD

I certainly would not be sticking recovery literature in schoolvbooks,
How pushy!

Time....you have to give you all time to adjust,

Keep the focus on you...let others see you
walk and not just talk.

BigSis

Ang...

For all the times I was mean to MY alcoholic mom, for all the times I did not understand MY addict children... for all the demands I've made to those who could not be what I wanted them to be.... I offer an apology.

It is good for those of us who love our alcoholic and addict relatives to go to open AA/NA meetings, to cruise through these upper rooms.

You are right. We don't understand.

What helped me most was getting to Alanon... but just like other 12-step programs, if I got there "too soon", I would not be willing to work the program.

Also, as one of those from the "other side", I can tell you that sobriety was much more difficult for ME to deal with... so damned unpredicatble...smile. We get plenty into the rooms after a loved one gets sober - there is always hope.

But, as they tell us when OUR loved ones are not in program, focus on YOU. Work your program. Do what you need to do to be the best you can be... and let their HP move them where He needs them to be. Kind of a lot to ask for based only on trust, I know. Over time, I am seeing my HP's hand more and more in the lives of my loved ones.

Coincidences... little changes. Keep an open mind that He might be working in the background.

I wish you all the best and send prayers for your continued recovery. (((Ang)))

OVERIT

Thanks guys. Those words really help. I think you are right. It will take time and I do want forgiveness. But I will have to work on that. I will have to show them that I am ready to be sober and make amends later, I guess.

Thanks!

xoxoxoxo

Ang

equus

I do believe alcohol addiction is a disease but the dictionary meaning of it which doesn't remove free will.

My concept is that it isn't a level playing field, I don't believe me and my husband physically ever did process alcohol in an identical way, and I don't blame him for that. But at the same time it's his will, his actions and his choices that have meant he hasn't drank in nearly 4 months - and before then they were lapses not full on drinking for a further 4 months. He choices are keeping him sober, his actions reflect what he's choosing.

For me it's about not judging - because I don't know what it's like to be him, I don't know if worse would have happened to me if I had his body and head but I know first and foremost he's a person and that means his decisions have a part to play too.

Time has done so much for us - so has communicating, not all at once but little by little and done forgiving each other when we both make mistakes - or when the other one is just simply being a bit thick!

Two nights ago I told my hubby that I sometimes remember things that happened, I know it's not anger I'm feeling but I don't always know what to do with what I remember. Things can hurt and even understanding whatever I can doesn't mean when I remember them I don't remember they hurt. I can't easily describe how we talk about that stuff but we do, gently because neither of us wants to go through a life of tabboo subjects!

It does take a while, and in our case understanding what each other has been through is ongoing, built bit by bit not a sudden flash. Sometimes we can both be a bit slow but we haven't given up and we're getting the pay off now.

Take care - let them make mistakes too without taking it too personally, no matter how much they love you it won't make them perfect either.

Jalyn

Dear Overit,

I relate so much to what you are going through. I don't feel my husband will ever admit to my alchoholism. He does not want me to drink, but really that is all there is. I had 14 great months sober and for some unforseen reason started drinking again about 6 weeks ago. I am now looking for a way to start over here at day2. I just can't drink because I don't drink like a "normal" person. The willpower piece of addiction, how it really has nothing to do with your ability to stay sober is not understood in my house either. We can support each other and like someone else said, focus should be on us and staying sober. The rest will come when others see what sobriety does for us and our family.

Jalyn

goffredo

Overit

Have faith, let time take the time that it is needed, have compassion, hope and work your programme. When one person is in recovey in the family, recovery has a positive effect on the others too.

When my partner was drinking and using (sober now for 5 months), I was so wrapped up in the disease that I couldn't see my part in it. Other times it hurt so much that I would just pretend it wasn't happening. I too was in denial and stuck in my unhealthy thoughts.

I then started to go to Alanon, before my partner started her recovery and things are slowly changing. Remember, we have to get there ourselves and you cannot force solutions or control your family just like in your case, you are the only one who can take the decision to seek your own recovery.

That doesn't mean you cannot suggest it though. Maybe propose to go to an alanon meeting together. Most of all, the more you work your programme the more reality will speak by itself and they will start to change too. speak to your husband about what you're going through but be there for him too, try to be available for him too.

When i first started to go to alanon and people were talking about their recovery, I thought I was in the wrong room: recovery? me? my gf is the one who needs recovery,not me! Slowly my way of thinking has changed. It takes time but it happens.

The best thing you can do for now is to focus on your recovery, do the loving thing towards your family, don't take things personally and let the sanity of recovery take over, one day at a time. The whole family will benefit. for me and my gf communication is the key and we work at it every day.

Love Jo

OVERIT

I thank all of you for your kind words and encouragment.

It means the world to me, from the bottem of my heart.


xoxoxoxo



Ang

michaelj

Overit,
It is probable that your career as an alcoholic is littered with broken promises to your family, mine certainly was. Families and friends have seen it all before and heard it too. You can not blame them for being sceptical and unwilling to play a part in your recovery. You can only convince them by becoming and remaining sober. Show them by your deeds thta you are a different person.
For heaven's sake don't put AA material in your daughter's schoolbooks, think about the effect on her if friends or school staff see it. She is probably having a bad enough time of it without further embarrassment being heaped on top.
Best wishes
Michael
PS For the record I don't believe in the disease model of alcoholism. I chose to drink every single drop that passed my lips. I drank in sufficient quantities to become addicted to alcohol. I similarly chose to stop drinking. Our lives are a constant succession of choices, some good, some bad, some dreadful, rarely are choices other than an expression of free will.

OVERIT

Thanks Michael!


xoxoxoxo

Ang

OVERIT

WOW! That's about all I can say at this point. I was sharing this topic last nigh at meeting and this old guy gave me these pages in the Big Book to read:

Some of it says:

Yes, there is a long period of construction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorsful mumbling that we are sorry won't fit the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly and anzlyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defect may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So, we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.



Oue BEHAVIOR will convince them more than our words.





I TRULY NEEDED THAT. And I appreciate the fellow that gave me that passage to read.



Thanks for letting me share!


xoxoxoxo


Ang

2dayzmuse

Actions speak louder than words. I remember my sister shouting the words to me just stop drinking, as if it were as simple as that. I don't think she will ever be able to understand the compulsion and obsession that alcohol has over me. Once I consume it, the addiction, allergy takes control.

I hope your husband in time will partake more in your recovery. You are just at the beginning of your journey and are by no means cured. I know you are well aware of that. In reading some books or literature, he may come to a better understanding of that. This is a family disease, not just owned by you and you alone. Your drinking effects the entire family. Again, actions speak louder then words. You can do this Ang. Keep doing what you are doing and you will get through this one day at a time.

mulie58

overit, I understand what you are trying to convey,as others i think are missing the point.I too wish my husband and daughter understood what we are going through.They think just because i quit drinking i am fine, no problems! I want to shake and shout to them "LOOOOK AT ME,I AM NOT FINE,I AM IN HELL,I AM STRUGGLING AGAINST THIS MONSTER INSIDE ME,UNDERSTAAAND WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE ME!!!! I think they ought to try to learn about us,love us,support us,even if we fall!!!

NoMoBeer

...and one more time I realize that if I have a problem, I HAVE A PROBLEM... I can't change THEM.

OVERIT -- God, I can so relate to your feelings. It took me a long time of going in and out of AA, using my wife to justify my drinking. I can't change her, I can only pray that she understand me and my disease. She's never been to an AA meeting, never been to AlAnon. I WANT her to, but when it boils down to it, this is my disease... however, that being said -- it is a family disease.

So, I go to AA, work my steps, clean house (my house, not theirs) and rely on God to do the rest. THat's all I can do. Maybe that means divorce for me, or maybe that means a closer relationship with my wife and family. I'm not sure yet. I just know that whatever happens, AS LONG AS I AM DOING MY PART, THE BEST I CAN, things are the way they are supposed to be. Above all, for me -- sobriety comes first....

(((JALYN!))) Glad to have you back.... Now don't beat yourself up, and get back to work on staying sober. Just for today!

Ken

roses2005

Amen!!!!
Jen

Pick-a-name

First...great that you are sober!

I am one of those family members. We have our own denial,too....it comes off in layers for me. I have read, been to al-anon meetings (some too soon), open AA (found on group with good recovery that is great),posted,etc........still growing every day.

As it took you a while to understand that it was not about a drink too many here or there; it is the same with us. And often, we have been burnt pretty badly with caring and "helping" along the way........even with hoping. Perhaps they don't "get it"...maybe we never really do.........perhaps they are protecting themselves from another disappointment. Hard to say. We have to find our path just like you.....we hit our bottoms,too.

Maybe it is just needing facts..........there is a lot of mis-information and assumptions about alcoholism. Have you read "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and K. Ketcham? I found that sooooo helpful. Maybe that would be a good place to start. If they would read it, I know it would answer many questions. How about the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews....I think one of them does deal esp. with the family in recovery and their issues.

It is hard to know what to do...especially if your loved one is an A like my husband (he is divorcing me after 27y because basically he wants to drink and he can't figure out about "alcoholism" either) and often times whatever we say or don't say, do or don't do is turned around as a "reason" to drink......maybe they believe that?

My sister is in new in recovery but still resentful about things in the past ..that adds it's own dynamics. We have our own resentments to deal with and get past,too.

I guess what I am saying is work your own program and give them the space to work through this the way you want them to let you do your work. It is a difficult disease for all and we all need recovery from it.

Good luck!

Pick-a-name

Welcome to the nightmare faced by the family of an active addict........we truely are all powerless over it ourselves. Why family members hit their bottom,too.

Sounds like you are on the right path.......living life on life's terms. I hope the best for you and your family.

mulie58

I am not trying to change my family,i know you cannot change someone else. however, i think they should put forth the effort to learn about the addiction, and what the addicted person is going through.it makes it easier for everyone.I think this would be the case if someone had cancer.what is the difference? I also understand you cannot help someone if they will not help themselves.This is when it becomes your own problem.To function properly the family has to UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT!!

Pick-a-name

I understand completely what you are saying.....and what's more it IS true...it would be easier. I have tried many times having this very same conversation with my AH; the result is just more resentment toward me. He can not see it, so he is drinking himself to death, destroying his career, walking away from our marriage and family because he doesn't see the big deal...I am the problem in his eyes, and in some ways, I geuss that is true.

It is frustrating, heartbreaking and seems so very unnecessary when the answers are lying right there..........like watching a train wreck.

Let go and let God......that is really all I can do, or you or any of us. When you think about it........give a problem over to the greatest power in the universe to take care of an d solve....why would I hessitate and think I can do a better job? (but I do think that many times, because I am human and I want my way and I want it now) I am "working" on not working on it and giving it all up and over and just doing what I am supposed to be doing or not doing by listening to Him. When I can do that, it works better, especially for me, but I am a slow learner.
I don't know if this will help you any (I hope so, but I really don't like to hear this advice myself! haha) but it was a good reminder to me.........I am in the middle of one of those really,really difficult times and I could use some really big hands to take over this problem....thanks for reminding me that all I have to do is to let go.

(((mulie)))