that no one says "why" they do and I'd like to know if anyone feels they want to share.
I believe I have shared - frequently, but I must admit the best summary was just after D had lapsed. I wrote this on the 11th of August, life was far from smooth yet my feelings hadn't changed - they were never based on that.
I see you…
I see you, the whole of you with an addiction but not summed up as an addict, no more than blonde, or clever or funny.
I tell you I’m proud of you but you say not yet. You don’t understand my pride isn’t based on tomorrow or some great thing you might or might not achieve. My pride is that I know you, my pride is in your smile, it’s in who you already are. I see you.
You say I’m deranged to see what I see but I’m not alone, friends have never wished I had a different husband, your mother, father and brother’s eyes say the same thing, old Matt and Mac see you too, I’m so proud to be with you in your home place. They see you too.
You’re beautiful, you’re handsome too but handsome doesn’t describe the beauty of a rare human being, beauty isn’t hips or hair, or even your beard, beauty is your heart. You’re beautiful when you care for your dog, you’re beautiful when you open a door and let people pass, you’re beautiful when you share your exquisite mind without arrogance, you’re you and you is beautiful.
You feel the guilt for tears people have shed, never realising they cried mostly because something so beautiful could be lost. You’re irreplaceable, unique like every person, you can’t go and that gap get filled. Life would go on and other gaps would be filled but a human being, THAT human being can’t be replaced. The tears aren’t because you failed, the tears are because we see you – all of you, complete, not just an addict.
I feel proud of myself, seeing you like noticing the colour purple in a field, I might have missed you if I wasn’t looking, I might have summed you up as an addict if I hadn’t looked. I’m proud of myself today, not waiting for you to achieve some future goal, I’m proud I noticed something so rare, I’m proud that I see you, I’m lucky but more than luck – I saw you.
You are loved and rightly so. Look into our hearts and you can’t find a lie, we love you now, we loved you yesterday, we want you here to love tomorrow. Open your eyes my best friend, my lover, my husband.
To SR,
Apologies for the mush. I know I'm not alone - I'm sending this to him but that's 'cos I'm odd and mushy, I know there are many family and friends feel the same way.