Judy, that is ace.
I ask the same questions that you do when I read a lot of the posts on here. I don't judge, I am just curious.
Loving the person they were before the drinking started is all well and good, but doesn't really achieve an awful lot if there is no sign of change. It's like bumping into the guy I went out with when I was 16, who I haven't seen in 15 years, and him saying "I love you". That is in no way realistic because I am not that person anymore and no amount of begging, pleading or shouting is going to change that fact. I can never go back, only forward. And neither can any of these partners. If they do get into recovery, they won't be the same person that they were back then.
As I have heard said on these boards - living in the past and in the future just means we are pi$$ing all over today.