I'm sorry for vanishing suddenly.
Between feeding kittens and work, life has been overly busy, and then my own cat suddenly had to have major surgery (all of his teeth removed a few days ago). On top of which I got sick (which tends to happen to me when I push my body too hard).
I don't honestly know how to articulate the swirling thoughts in my head without writing a full on novel here.
I come here to.. vent? I suppose. It isn't really venting. It is processing and trying to learn and understand this man that I love, that s an Addict. So obviously, you only ever get my stream of thoughts and feelings. And none of your responses are off the mark in any way. The hit the mark in ways that I need to hear. And yet, as you all rightly note, the complexities and realities of what I've typed here are not as fleshed out as reality. Not that I am hiding anything or false. Just.. I turn here when I am frustrated or hurting or confused. And so many of you have stuck with me to help me even though it may seem like I am not listening. I am listening. I promise. Even if it doesn't seem like I am.
A few of you mentioned me getting a cleaner. I actually have one, and have had one for a good 6 years. Having someone come once a week doesn't even come close to really ease the burden (both of my children are autistic and neither clean, so it is a forever task). Cleaning my house is not a small task in any sense. My house is finally at a cleanliness level that brings me peace. It may seem like nothing, but when you have a child who will literally leave food to mold and rot in places you can not physically reach due to your own disability? Having him clean AND help my son be cleaner? Those are more than money. He's also helped in other ways - like driving me to work and my kids to school and therapy so I am able to focus on job and be less stressed about getting time off to manage all the appointments on my agenda.
The attraction thing isn't some new piece of information. I think I have told the story of how we met. When we first started dating, I actually didn't remember what he looked like. I don't know if I said that. We'd been friends for three years, but I didn't know his face. Just his words. His logo at the time was an icon rather than his face. And it had been three years since I'd heard his voice until the day we got together.
We'd been talking romantically for over a week before I saw a picture of him, and frankly, part of me was disappointed in his looks. I am not being disparaging. If I look back to that moment, I remember thinking he was a bit awkward and dorky looking and not at all my type and what was I thinking. I have a thing for dark blue eyed clean cut men, and he is a green eyed bearded bald ginger. His comment when we first got together was that the base level lust wasn't there for him (I had a profile picture of my face) but lust had never worked for him in the past. He was interested in perusing me because he wanted to find a deeper romance rooted in emotions and friendship. Which is.. basically what we have now. What brought us together at the beginning was an obvious mutual emotional connection - for us both - not a physical one. The problem comes now in that my physical feelings have deepened and his have not. He wasn't my type at the start, but he certainly is now. Walking down the street my head is turned by men that look like him, not men I used to find good looking. When we had that nasty breakup and I dipped my toes in the dating scene (for all of 3.2 seconds) it was men that looked like him that drew my eye.
For those of you judging him calling me a 7 - don't fret. That doesn't bother me. I'm the one that told him that first. Not that it makes me any better I suppose. But he often has this narrative that he's "not attracted" except. He is. Just not in the way he wants to be or thinks he should be. He just doesn't want to rip my clothes off every second he sees me - and that bothers him. (My ex did. And that was toxic in its own way tbh. I'd rather be a 7 than a 10 but I deviate). I was trying to explain to him that he can't possibly do the things he does with me in the bedroom if he doesn't have some level of attraction. I called him my 7, because he wasn't my type initially, and he agreed that I was also at a 7. So please don't judge him for that one.
When this topic comes up, he often tries to make it better by telling me that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am a beautiful woman. That he is simply shallow. And maybe all those things are true, but they do not make me feel better. Not really. My ex only ever wanted me for physical intimacy. So I don't want that either.
He had this great analogy once. I dislike most chocolate icecream. Much of it tastes fake to me. A real good chocolate icecream is delicious sometimes of course, but I still prefer a strawberry or vanilla. There is nothing wrong with chocolate icecream. It's just not my preference. I am chocolate icecream to him. That is how he says he feels. And yes, I am aware how problematic that is on so many levels still, and I feel like I am perhaps digging this hole deeper. But I do get his perspective. He has a body type preference and my body isn't it, even if he does still enjoy it sometimes.
Frankly, if I am brutally honest, the realest statement of this issue in this thread is this one: "women he looks at are a fantasy, you are real". After my post here on this, he told me that what he wanted was everything else that we have. And he wasn't having his sexual needs met without me in his life anyway. He'd been single since 13 years before me (I was single 16 before him). He shut himself away from any kind of intimacy. He also admitted that the ex he had before me he was hyper critical of her too and he was 'almost' attracted, but it was dying out after three months. And it got me thinking. He wants a fantasy. This thing he says he is missing from me? It doesn't exist. Does he find himself attracted to other women? Sure. (And to be honest that doesn't bother me, I am attracted to other men too. It's human.) But he's attracted to parts of them. He doesn't know them. I bet push comes to shove that if he was with them they wouldn't be enough either. I just don't think he truly understands this enough to fully appreciate what he does have.
The things he has said to me? Yes. They absolutely border on emotional abuse. But they are not the only things he's ever said to me.
But there is another side to him. The side that keeps me here hoping.The side you guys don't get to see as much.
There is the side that spent hours playing games and watching movies with my son. The side that was exhausted due a bad nights sleep and snapped at my daughter (frankly, she was being a selfish brat at the time and deserved it) but then later approached her to apologize for being tired and grumpy (without expecting anything from her). He stood there and told her that he knew he was awkward and not very good at this whole responsible adult thing but he wanted to learn to do better. The man that spent the last of his spending money on takeout for my kids when I was feeling rotten. (I had given him my card so he didn't have to spend his spending money, but he used his own). The man who braided my hair when I was sick so it wouldn't land in grossness. The man who insists on holding me when we watch TV and strokes my hair. The man who cannot sleep if some part of him isn't touching some part of me in bed. If I roll over, he follows to make sure I am alright. A year and a half ago, when we started dating, if he got frustrated in a game or something unrelated to me, he would get angry at the world and just totally withdraw from everything and drink to passing out. That same man now has grown to a point that he will look at me and say "I'm frustrated with this game/whatever, can I talk to you about it/I need to turtle for a bit and then we can do y/want to come in my bubble with me and watch this?". This is a man that is comfortable teasing me and getting teased in return (for instance we have an ongoing good nature rivalry about how to sort things in a game we are playing. He wrote while I was at work: "I can't wait for you to come home and take thorough issue with my new sorting system").
Yes. He is an addict who in full active addiction. Yes. We have some big problems, I am not going to deny it. He says he wants to get sober. Is he actually ready to get sober? I don't think he is. Not yet. I'm a realist after all.
Maybe I should give up. Walk away from the man who is 90% of what I have wanted my whole life because of that 10% that isn't perfect. But I love him.