awent

Hi, I’m new here and have spent the past few days looking through this forum and these threads and it has given me the only peace I’ve had in days or weeks. Bc everyone here seems to “get it.” But questions keep coming up for me and I just need to work through it I guess. I hope I’m posting this correctly and if not, my apologies and feel free to instruct me accordingly.

7 years ago, I met a guy through a dating app living about an hour away and we had mutual acquaintances. I asked them about him and none knew him well, but had heard he’d been through a bad divorce several years prior and had a struggling construction business then, too, but seemed to be doing better. They gave him the green light as far as they knew. I was divorced with a 3 yo myself whose father was not involved much by choice and lived far away. Historically, I’m not the type that needs a partner to feel okay and actually enjoy being alone more than others.

The moment I began talking to this guy, fireworks started. Like fireworks I didn’t know even existed and that I’d never ever seen or felt before. We could have conversations that lasted hours, we finished each others thoughts and sentences from the first time we ever talked—it was crazy. We met, and it was even crazier in person. I fell hard for this guy and he seemed to do the same for me. He was wonderful with and to my son, spent so much quality time with him and didn’t ever seem to do anything “for show.” He was very genuine—wouldn’t always agree with you just for the hell of it, funny as hell without knowing or believing it, and just perfect for me.

It didnt take long for inconsistencies to begin, however. He was almost always late or delayed getting to my house, he said he saw his 2 kids from the divorce weekly but I never met them, and he said he lived alone on his parents’ property but I found out on my own that he actually lived with his parents (I confronted him anytime I found out things like this and always was accepting of the truth and encouraged him to not lie to me, etc. that I didn’t judge him for anything). Eventually I learned and/or he admitted that he didn’t see his kids due to his ex wife having taken them from him when legal trouble with his construction company (theft by deception he was found guilty a few years before I learned, for supposedly taking 30k on a home his company was building). At that point I scoured his criminal history, and it was the only thing on it. He had a story for that too, that basically it had been a misunderstanding…I of course am not stupid and assumed maybe hard times happened and he was clearly regretful and ashamed and so I didn’t press it.

Long story shorter, I found out on my own due to evidence, that he was using drugs after we had been together almost a year. Small things led me there as time progressed. He denied it at first, but not with great fervor. Finally he told me the truth about it when he left his iPad behind one day when he went to work and I was able to view some of his text messages from it via snooping (not proud of it but I was going crazy over nothing adding up and was desperate for real answers)—bc he couldn’t deny that kind of proof. His drug of choice was cocaine but he told me it all began simultaneously w the demise of his business and marriage, after he became hooked on opioids after knee surgery a few years prior. I met his parents, got to know them well, they were like grandparents to my 3 yo child. We would go spend weekends there often. I saw so many photos and artwork from his kids around the house and his parents basically mourned the loss of their grandkids whom they’d been extremely close with, and they were not happy and blamed the ex wife for “taking them away” while he was in jail for the theft charges a few years prior. There were albums in an ottoman of pictures of him and his kids covering years and years. They had been 4 and 7 last time he saw them a few years prior. The pictures showed me what kind of father he was—doting, loving, and loved by them. He also looked clean cut in them and different—more like a businessman on vacation.

I tried for two more years to live with him and get him off drugs, told him I did not want them in my house and to not come if he was high. He lied, of course, but he never let me catch him with them in my home. But he would create arguments and fights and leave frequently in the heat of things, leaving me baffled and confused and sad and scrambling to understand and get him back. The mindf****** was real and it messed me up big time. I became pregnant, miscarried while he was gone during one fight, and then became pregnant again. Shortly after this, he was arrested and I found out there had been a warrant out for him for a year for cashing a customer’s (he ran a lawn care company at this time) check twice. I was devastated, gutted, and felt betrayed. I talked to him for a while as he waited in jail, but his frequent calls asking for money after money after money when I was a struggling single mom myself, eventually wore me down. He would still start fights w me on and off as well and get very cold and not care what he said. He never did get physical with me nor did he ever try. But the mind games were like nothing I’ve ever experienced before or after. I finally cut off communication w him.

our daughter was born in 2019. He was out of jail then and we spoke for the first time and I told him he could come see her if he was not high, as I didn’t know where he was w all that but he said he was stable. I told him if he came high, I wouldn’t allow it ever again. He came and literally could not stay awake the entire weekend. It was like he had been drugged but he was clearly coming off of something. I tried to help him as always, but his lies were too much with a new baby present now too. I cut off contact again. I didn’t speak to him for the next 4-5 years. I found out via the internet that he failed to appear in court on something and was rearrested. Shortly after he came to see our child, I had blocked him bc he wouldn’t leave me alone and was clearly on something big time. He was so cold and just mean and bitter and wouldn’t stop with the hits at me I was scared. A few weeks later he was arrested with marijuana in his vehicle. He failed to appear again and ultimately similar actions landed him in actual prison, not jail, for a little over a year.

I tried to block him out of my mind but never fully could. It didn’t help that our daughter is the spitting image of him with the same beautiful curls and brown eyes as him, but mostly she acts just like all the good parts of him, and has his fearlessness, straightforwardness, stubbornness, and the surprising sensitivity underneath it all that he has too. Knowing her almost I felt made me know him better too. I spent many nights wondering if he was okay, praying desperately for him and his sobriety and for another chance for him. About twice a year over those 5 years, he would reach out. I didn’t trust myself to ever answer, and convinced myself of why I had to stay away, and I just did it. I never dated during those 5 years. No one understood, not even myself really. But deep down I knew I would never fully get over him, would never be okay with the loss of him. The few dates or people I did try talking to romantically didn’t hold a candle to him when he was sober or high honestly, in terms of conversation, relatability etc. I just would rather be alone than to fake it as they say. But still I never answered him.

Last year, my daughter started asking about her dad more and more frequently. I’d told her he was unwell and was getting help with that and that he had to be well to be a good father to her and wanted to be well, but it had to happen first. When he was lucid the weekend he met her as a baby, he was mesmerized by her and in awe of her. She all on her own began saving different trinkets (collected rocks, drawings, etc) for him and asked me to put them somewhere safe for “when I can finally see my dad.” She told me her wishes for that. It broke my heart into pieces, bc those were deep down my wishes as well.

Two months ago, after 5 years, he reached out to me on Facebook. Just a short simple I hope you and the kids are doing well I think of you often etc. and I hope you’re okay. I would love to hear from you but also understand why you wouldn’t want to talk to me and that’s okay. I found out he had recently gotten out of rehab, five months prior and had been sober for 6 months. I replied back, for the first time in 5 years. He was 100% not the same guy. He used to swear he was laid back and it was drugs that made him seem the opposite. Well I finally saw that laid back guy. It was hard to believe it was really him. He was rational, clear headed, very informed about addiction and treatments and in NA two or 3x a week, had a sponsor, tried to help others etc. His mom corroborated all of this and his dad had passed two years prior and he was now at his mom’s house. His mom is feisty and not the lying type—she has never wavered from expecting him to walk the line and gives tough love and never used to allow him at her house when he was on drugs or using at all. So hearing it from her was good news. He said as awful as prison was (I think he has ptsd from it and should still be in therapy for several reasons including recovery), he needed it and it woke him up like nothing else could ever have. But that he’d die before messing up and going back again.

We talked every night on the phone, often for hours. He was the best version of himself I had ever known. Still the same funny guy and the same in all the good ways, but the toxicity and mood swings were gone. Just totally gone. We texted throughout the day on and off. He is set to get off probation in 3 months and had been in therapy since he got home up until January when he stopped going and continued with NA etc. bc he told me he felt stable now to do that. After a month of talking nightly and me seeing him without the kids around several times, drug testing him first every single time and him willingly taking the tests while I watched, saying he would do whatever it took and had missed me for years and was so apologetic and just grateful I would ever give him a chance. After a month of consistency, I let him “meet” his daughter again. He was overjoyed to see my son as well and my son acted happier than I’ve seen him in a long time to see him again too. My daughter was over the moon and adored him. He adored her even more and was just picture perfect . I felt like my prayers came true.

Within 3 weeks, he was acting sketchy and would disappear during text convos suddenly, not call me at night saying he fell asleep, etc. Two weeks ago, the kids were at school and he came over and his pupils were dilated as heck and he seemed anxious and edgy. I mentioned to him my concerns and he stood up quickly and said he felt like he was going to have a panic attack. He said he’d been having horrible anxiety and this was all too much for him. That he loves me and loves my kids, and wants to be there for his child and me, but that me constantly worrying and waiting for the ball to drop dredged up old things that he was trying to move past and could hinder his sobriety if things didn’t change. Basically, that I was expecting perfection from him. This from a man who 2 months ago told me he knew he was stable and wouldn’t have reached out this time if he wasn’t, and had no doubts about it and that I deserved him showing me everyday how sorry he was and that he wanted to show me everyday. Well he stood up and snapped at me. In a blink, it was like the old drug addict him was back. He looked at the time and said oh I have to go I have to report to my probation officer before they close today. And just like that he left before he could take the drug test he knew I had for him to take.

I have expressed since then my fears to him that he is using again and why I think that. I have begged him for the truth bc everyday becomes more and more like old times. The consistency I saw steadily and daily the first month and a half where he passed every drug test he took every single time I saw him, has become nothing now. He won’t reply back to texts all day long and normally at night never calls me and if I call him he doesn’t answer and the next day says he fell asleep. The more disillusioned I’ve become, the more distant he’s become. He was begging to FaceTime our daughter every night if he hasn’t seen her that day, and was consistent with that still. Up until 3 days ago when out of nowhere he texted me (we have talked for months about how bad it was that we used to text about important issues vs. calling or talking in person, and he hasn’t resorted to texting about anything like this until now) saying he didn’t think he could be around me around our child bc my lack of follow through in the disciplinary realm with her was troubling to him and he didn’t think he deserved to have an opinion due to his absence all these years, but it was too hard to sit by and watch. I was gutted. That night for the first time, he didn’t answer her FaceTime call. He said the next day he fell asleep. I have called this all out kindly and walking on eggshells as I used to again. Not really knowing what’s happening, or not wanting to believe it. His laid back-ness is totally gone and he lashes out at me over text, refuses to call. He had sent me his location or shared it early on bc he wanted me to know (I told him it wasn’t necessary, he offered it up and insisted) with confidence he was where he said he was and needed to build trust for me. Well, he promptly stopped sharing that 3 days ago. When I asked why he said it had only led to problems and me questioning him more and that was going to threaten his sobriety.

Used to, any fight we had which he usually initiated, he would be blowing me up within hours. like nonstop via text usually but also calls at times. This time, I’ve barely heard anything from him. I tried to reply back and asked him to call since we had formerly said how texting important stuff is a bad idea. Nothing. I gave him ideas and solutions going forward and he already knows I feel I’m a bad disciplinarian and let our daughter off the hook too easily. I’ve told him repeatedly how nice it is to have her father around and how validating it is for me to have another parent like himself, there to let me know I’m doing the right thing or offer suggestions which I’ve followed if I thought appropriate. He says I haven’t and that I’m doing her a disservice and should change my parenting “immediately.” But it’s not that easy. And the sober version of him would never ever say any of these things. We had Easter lunch planned for the first time in years that his mom has even done anything since his dad passed; we were going to come, my daughter was going to get to meet her first cousins for the first time. I bought her a dress and she’s talked about it daily this week. Now, I’m pretty sure he’s blocked my number from his mom’s and we won’t get to go. All bc he can’t live without starting fights with me over anything he can think of.

Is there anything I can do to help get through to him? I know he has to choose for himself, but what could I do to help snap him out of it? Texting him a ton doesn’t help it just pushes him away. Ignoring him has historically helped but I don’t want to play games with this either. He didn’t answer my daughter’s calls the last 2 nights either. Then at 10 last night I get a text saying “she can call me anytime I usually hear my phone.” Like what?? I mean you didn’t the last 3 nights. Do I talk to his mom somehow and tell her to please make sure he’s okay? If he found out he would be so upset. But I just need to know what to do. Any advice appreciated. Do you think he will come back around? Should I tell him unless he goes to rehab I don’t want to see him if he does?