Hi Oynnet. I've been following your story. I'm sorry that you are living through the hell that is loving someone who is in active addiction. I was married to an alcoholic for more than two decades. I come from a family rife with alcoholics and codependents. Currently, my 45yr brother-in-law is in the throes of his addictions, reeking havoc on the entire family. Also, as a non-addiction-related aside, my current husband and I were in a long distance/dual country relationship for two years before we married, that was difficult enough without any addiction issues present! I mentioned all that so you will know I absolutely understand how overwhelming and upsetting your situation is.
Once I really learned and understood what boundaries were, and realized how to enforce them my life got to feeling a lot more manageable. My boundaries did evolve over time, but the first boundary I set that really helped in my situation was: " I will not engage with him when he has been drinking" . Full stop. At most I would say, "I won't discuss this with you when you have been drinking"...if I said anything at all. I didn't berate, yell, cry, beg, joke, laugh etc... I just totally refused to engage with him. It was pointless, he could swing from happy, to angry, to sad, to remorseful in a matter of moments. He'd try pushing my buttons and manipulating me with different fear tactics to outright breaking down crying. He could really do a number on me...but once I learned to disengage from it my own stress levels went way down. Life was still chaotic, but it WAS better when I wasn't trying to rationalize with an irrational person. You can't make sense out of senselessness, but you sure can drive yourself crazy trying.
I know you've already heard it on here several times, about how "alcoholics don't have relationships, they have resources"... Unfortunately, it really does seem like this man is viewing you as a resource, not as a person with feelings and needs of their own. Addiction is a disease of epic selfishness. I hope you are able to stop feeding bits of yourself to his cause. It will only continue as long as you let it. It took me years to realize I was my own worst enemy, I had been allowing my AXH to put me through the wringer. I had the power to put a stop to it all along and I had been choosing not to. I thought I would be his savior. I thought my situation was different, that our love was deeper, yada, yada...I was misguided by those thoughts. Addiction is a beast, but it isn't a beast we can battle for them.
My father in law has money, he has been trying to "buy/pay" his son healthy for 20years now... My mother does not have financial wealth, but is still doing something similar with my brother. I know all this "help" comes from a place of love...I get that... but as addicts, they take advantage of that love and neither of them is changing for the better, only getting worse and ruining their parents golden years in the process. It's so obvious these men are using their parents as resources. I'ts so, so selfish. It's such typical addict behavior. It's infuriating to watch, but I'm glad I've chosen not to be a part of that kind of dysfunction any longer. My heart breaks for all involved, but at least it's not, and will not, ever be taking place in my home. A home should be a sanctuary, a home with an active alcoholic in it is no sanctuary.
My heart does go out to you Oynnet. I know how hard and hurtful this is. I do wish for you strength and clarity as you navigate the choices you are faced with.