I'm tempted to start a new thread at this point, but I think the history here can Help me... help others coming after me maybe.
The last two days have been... a roller coaster of pain doesn't even come close. All the peace I was starting to feel from the posts from you all has dissipated into a cloud of confusion and hurt. After he contacted me panicking, we had a conversation about some of the things I learned here - he leaned hard away from the idea his words were meant to level and crush me. And god help me I believed him. He was leaning hard on us working things through, because he couldn't let me go. The following day he was slightly distant again, and he shared an episode of a podcast with me he wanted me to listen to (Mental Illness Happy Hour) on Codependency. I was at work so couldn't right away, and we had a brief conversation about how we missed gaming together. I said he had given me hope, and he said he had given himself hope. I then said I missed a lot of things and that sparked... a hell of an argument.
He asked me "do you believe that if I just got sober, we would be okay?" (And no, I didn't miss the "if" in that sentence).
And I replied "Sobriety isn’t a destination. It isn’t something that is just over. Ever. You will be an addict your entire life, active addiction, sober, or in recovery.
So I’ll rephrase your question. Do I think that we’d be ok if you weren’t currently in active addiction, if you were in recovery? Yes. I think things would be easier. Because we could have rational conversations about our problems."
And he... said some really awful hurtful things after that. How his drinking wasn't the root of our problems. It was that he was sacrificing his 'need' of a sexual partner he was "fully attracted" too because he'd sacrificed that in every relationship he'd had. (All two of us - he was hyper critical of us both).
So I blocked him.
After I knew he'd gone to bed I unblocked him, so that I could listen to the podcast and respond. There was actually some good stuff in there - around boundaries and consequences (I am good at setting boundaries, and really awful at maintaining the consequences of those boundaries being crossed). The mentioned my disability and I had a real negative reaction to how they portrayed that. I had positive reactions to other things in the podcast. I ended up passing out and forgot to block him again before I did.
And of course he responded. He hadn't drunk yet, and we ended up having a great mature conversation about it the podcast. How his internal compass couldn't be trusted to guide him when he's been drinking. (Something he picked up from another episode of that podcast) He said "Think of our relationship as being on life support (cause I mean, it kind of literally is) and we probably only have one more chance to get it right." And I stupidly began to hope AGAIN. Because it felt like we were really really really discussing our actual needs and boundaries and consequences and were coming to a path of healing that was mutually satisfying to us both. And then... he'd f*ing started drinking.
I asked him about May, and he said we'd already decided that. And I was like "Well no, two days ago you asked me to look at tickets. So it is very much up in the air", and he said that was fluctuating in his mind on our relationship day by day, so he couldn't commit to something so far away. That he's too uncertain.
And things spiraled again. That I was undermining his 'need' that 'maybe' he will decide he wants me and it will hurt if I am not there when he decides that. That because a friend of him never doubted his relationship, it is somehow wrong that he doubt (your friend was not an addict!)
He is actively measuring me again the potential of someone that he's never had. Someone he may never have. I am everything he is ever wanted, except we only 'sometimes' have the chemistry he desires. I just...
*sigh*
This awfully long post is just me processing. I realize that the whole conversation was just him trying to manipulate me into his way of thinking.
Right now I need support in being strong and not collapsing into a pile of despair.