Originally Posted by trailmix

Yes, it's really a tragedy. A person who may have so many good qualities, who could have such a good life, success and be with a good person - doesn't.

It sometimes, to the outside world looks unbelievable and yet it happens all the time. Addiction.

I sometimes think, after reading these stories at SR, that some people can just wear a mask or last longer in the non-addicted world than others. You see marriages that last a few months, a year or 5 or more before the addiction really comes in to play in a serious way.

Of course addiction, including alcoholism is progressive, as I'm sure you already know. How he drank 2 years ago is not how he drank a year ago and now. You saw the signs and some of it can be denial and some "hope" that this can be turned around probably, but that is rarely the case.

I suspect from what you have laid out that he was using all along, or at the very least before you were married. Once married he could let down some of those barriers to you witnessing it.

It hurts, but the biggest mistake is to look to the person who hurt you for healing - they don't have that to share or to give. You know when you drink and the overwhelming desire, craving to drink happens and you know what will cure that is - another drink. That's short lived. Sure it lessens the pain for a short time, but it will be back when the drink is gone.

It can be tempting to go back to the person that hurt you because, if nothing else, that eases the pain for an hour or a day or a week, until they hurt you again. Until you see how secondary you are to their addiction.

I'm sorry to be so negative, I don't want to be. If he sounded like someone who was even remotely interested in sobriety - but he doesn't.

It's going to hurt, but you will get through this. One good tool I've found is to write a list of all the negatives about the relationship. So when you start down the "what if" rabbit hole or the "maybe I should try harder" and "maybe I can word it differently so he will SEE" and things were so good for those months. Something like:

- Had to stop on the way home from wedding to drink at a bar
- Left me and didn't let me know where he was
- Refuses to come home unless he can use
- Had to make sure liquor was on hand at all times
- Didn't want to go anywhere they didn't serve or have alcohol
- Agreed to do therapy and drug testing, but he won't
- Lies

etc etc

You get the gist. Keep that list with you, on your phone, in hard copy, whatever words and is handy and refer to it 20 times a day if you need to. Every time you start thinking what a great guy he is.

He's let you down, he's lied, he doesn't deserve to be around you, does he?