trailmix

Well translated in to addiction-speak what he's really probably saying is he's still doing drugs and if he comes back he either needs to not do them or hide it. So he is choosing staying away.

As for the addiction in your family. I think it can be much more than just fixing what was wrong. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family you tend to learn a few things. First of all you learn defenses. This keeps you from getting scared and hurt over and over again. Secondly, you can develop that high tolerance for poor treatment.

So how does that work? Well, generally, if you feel "loyal" to your family, you see this dysfunction all over the place but you stick by them. This becomes, while growing up, your "normal". Now you might think well, I'm grown up now, I know better and I think mostly we do, our logical minds know this.

Emotionally though, being in that dysfunction is still "normal" and kind of comfortable. It's what we know.

There are two ways out of that, that I see. You can get help for yourself, to unravel that or at the very least work on yourself. Or you can just stop doing it.

He has given you zero indication that he has any intention to change things at all. You can't change him, you only have control over yourself.

I know you love him and in his own way (as much as he is capable of with his first love being drugs) I'm sure he loves you, but is this a good relationship for you? I don't know if you plan on having children, but I'm sure you know that active addicts make horrible parents.

He may be a nice guy sometimes, but he is one person, nice guy, mean guy, drug addict, you don't get one without the others.

There is "getting sober" and there is recovery, two very, very different things. First the person puts down the drugs (which is very hard) then they need to look and heal from all the things that got them there in the first place. They need to learn to live life on life's terms and to cope without drugs (this is probably even harder and can take a lot of time to sort out).