It took me 20 years to get a year. An then I went out and was out for almost another 5 years. So all told, it took me something like 25 years to get 7 years of sobriety.
Think about that. It took me 25 years to do something I could have done in 7. David, you're prolonging your agony when you engage with this illness on any capacity.
I come here a lot more than I post. I see a lot people stuck in vicious circles of denial. One week, they're hardcore 100% ride or die. The next, it's lay down and suffer for another 4 weeks. Wash, rinse, and repeat. An so goes their life for years at a time. I was one of those people.
It's sad. From an outsider's point of view who has done a great deal of recovery-It's like watching someone get punched in the face every other week and expecting not to get punched by the same bully a week later. It's absurd. Such is the horrific nature of this illness.
Best I can tell you is to just commit 100% and be militant and go get as much help as you can. Therapy, counseling, AA, NA, whatever. All or one, or some of everything you can do in recovery. Immerse yourself and just ride it the F out.
If you can learn to take the mundane and boring on the chin as much as you can take the pain and shame of relapsing...you've got this. After about a year, this stuff gets a bit monotonous and for me it stayed that way for a few years. The excitement in my life became the excitement I made for myself. Much like the pain I had caused. I got out what I put in. It's that simple.
I wish you all the best. I hate watching people suffer when I know there is a better way. The most frustrating thing in the world for someone who has done this for awhile is that I can't show you the beautiful life that's right there waiting for you if you just stick it out.