Sprout - I understand just how you're feeling. It's good that you wanted to talk it over.
We always tend to think of how comforting & relaxing it could be, not the hell it put us through. We're seeking the avoidance of uncomfortable feelings, but it's getting through these times that shape us & help us grow strong. We tend to have a euphoric recall about our drinking life - even after we've acknowledged that alcohol will never take us where we want to go. We insist to ourselves that it'll just be 'a few' to take the edge off - and it never is.
You are normal. These thoughts are common in the early days. Glad you are here with us.