Hi Luvflowers,
I'm a newbie and your post really resonated with me. I'm in a fairly new, but serious relationship. We actually started living together before we became involved so there’s a complication, and then not long afterward, I discovered my new love is an alcoholic. He's never been abusive in any way, and most of the time is completely sweet, but when he's trying not to drink, he can get anxious and distant. He’s kind of amazing when drunk but shows signs of stress when sober. He drinks to self-medicate, there’s no doubt. As nice as it might sound, alcohol is not a good coping mechanism. And considering he's a diabetic, I can see he's drinking himself to an early grave. Plus engaging in other risky behaviors like driving after drinking. Not to mention the flaking on commitments, disappearing acts, etc.
So during one particularly nerve-wracking period of worrying about him until my stomach hurt, I looked up the Al-Anon schedule and I've now been to three independently run Al-anon meetings. I went hoping not only to learn how to make sure I don’t slip into unhealthy behavior patterns myself but to also learn about alcoholism and how to deal with it. I definitely want to make sure I'm not enabling him (is giving him a ride when drunk enabling?), trying to fix him, or becoming co-dependent. How do I love him without letting his problem consume me? Is that even possible? How do I know when too much is really too much? When the tradeoffs aren’t worth the worry and stress? And how do I get myself out of what I got myself into if that becomes necessary?
So that doesn’t seem to be what Al-Anon is about. And I haven't quite figured out what it is offering or why all these people in these meetings rave about how much they've been helped by it. The opening statements literally tell you not to talk about the alcoholic and not to talk about your own specific situations with the alcoholic. They encourage you to talk about hope and how much you've been helped by the program. Well, I'm not there yet, so I don't get it. I feel like I have nothing but questions, and nothing to offer the group at all.
Conversely, I was a member of Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous for many years and that was truly an amazing program that helped me so much that I truly wish everyone could experience it. We were allowed to talk very specifically about what we were going through. There were no limits on talking about our relationships, healthy or otherwise. We didn’t spend half an hour reading off all the rules and tenets before every meeting, so we had plenty more time for sharing without a timer being necessary. I guess I'm just confused by the format and am not yet seeing yet exactly what the Al-Anon benefits are. Other than knowing you're not alone? SLAA helped me so much because hearing what others were doing helped me recognize things in myself that I wouldn’t have been aware of. By hearing what they were doing right AND wrong, I was able to recognize when I was heading down the wrong path and make better decisions for myself. Unfortunately, we no longer have SLAA meetings in my area, so I was hoping that Al-Anon could provide similar benefits, now that I’m actually in a relationship with an alcoholic.
I’m not saying Al-anon is wrong because they do it differently, I’m just saying I don’t quite get it and I’m not sure it’s going to provide me with what I need. Maybe I just need more time? Or maybe I’m not in the right place? Do you, or anyone else, know where exactly we can go to find the kind of skills I’m looking to learn and develop?