Al-Anon fit? Just some insight may be helpful

Old 02-23-2023, 04:36 AM
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Al-Anon fit? Just some insight may be helpful

I am 3 years into the realization of my son's alcohol abuse. I spent most of my adult life working and raising my children. I was prior military and traveled a bit and never established long-term relationships. Family is helpful to a degree, but only my mother who is late 80 knows my woes in regard to my son. One other person from a past short-lived al-anon group that I spoke to briefly, knows of my situation. Then finally this wonderful group of supporters knows, due to my past posts. Needless to say, I am struggling without interaction with others. I also get it, his situation is not my situation. I have yet to get to that place of emotional sobriety, a term that I just learned yesterday at my 3rd al-anon in-person meeting. This is the second new group of al-anon that I have attended in the new area where I now reside. I attended the zoom version of al-anon in the former state I resided. Zoom al-anon did not work for me.

I am trying to give al-anon a chance. I do understand the workings of the group. It is not a place to whine and vent. What I have experienced in the 6-7 meetings is that they are very regimented. The time that is given to members to discuss or verbalize positive results and how al-anon has positively affected them is limited, so that others may speak, I get that. This is a very important element in healing, and of this I am aware. The problem is the only time I have attended is in the midst of episodes that I have been involved when my son in his abusing alcohol. My daughter-in-law never fails to let me know of the situation and what he is doing. I am glad that she lets me know, and that she is afraid., I can not tell her to not tell me for then I would beat myself up forever if anything happened to him, her, or the grandbabies, from him being under the influence. I already am not the most social so for me to talk at the meetings at that time is not the best, all I want to do is cry. I know that I need to make a concerted effort to continue with consistent attendance.

My question is since this group reaches many areas and people, are all al-anons groups run this way? I just at times feel like I just need someone to talk to, not whine and complain. Just vent. These groups have to be run this way so that the focus can stay on the person seeking support, not the culprit of the attendee's problem. I know I can and have managed to get to this age without much mental health involvement. I had a husband that abused alcohol, but I left him due to that and other reasons. I was also working and different outlets for my emotional health. I exercise and read which helps, but it only helps so much. I am making somewhat of an effort (not like I should) to get out and meet others. I am not that social so this is a VERY hard task for me.

Any insight from this great group of people would be great.

Thank you so much for your precious time in reading this.
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Old 02-23-2023, 05:00 AM
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My experience is with A.A., but my wife is active in Al-Anon. What your post elicits in me -- based both on my own experience and what I have learned from my wife -- is that one of the things we have to do is actively build up a fellowship around us outside the meetings. To that end, one suggestion I have been given is to commit to asking one person for their phone number after each meeting and then calling that person before the next meeting. Importantly, if you are like me you will not want to do this -- but do it anyway. When you call, just be as honest as you can. For example, you might simply let the person know that the time limit on sharing in meetings has felt stifling and you could use a little more time to vent. You will reach people's voicemails and sometimes people won't call you back -- but none of that matters. The mere act of being willing to make the call is a spiritual act and if you commit to it you will eventually start to build up the network of support you are seeking. Oh, and you should get a sponsor.
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Old 02-23-2023, 05:31 AM
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Thank you Novips for your time and answer. I take any and all of the suggestions that I can get. That was a very good suggestion. All they can say is no. So I will give this group another try. I am not trying to be impatient, I just feel in my heart that it is imperative that I seek some outside support. Thanks again
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Old 02-23-2023, 05:57 AM
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I am close with my ex mother-in-law, I used to vent to her only because her presence was a lot of the reason I was able to see I wasn't crazy about my then husband's drinking. He always made me feel crazy, but then he would behave like that with her around and I Would get validation from her saying he shouldn't be like that and that I wasn't crazy. You are in such a tough situation, I have majorly backed off sharing information with my ex mother-in-law now that we are not married, I feel for you and your daughter-in-law. Hopefully she is seeking help in counseling herself.

I did not get a lot out of Al-Anon, so I cannot be of much help there. But this online support community changed my life. You can never post too much, and you can vent as much as you want here. I did not feel that same support in Al-Anon, it was too regimented for me and I did not like that and encouraged people to stay in toxic situations. There is just so much more to life, and everyone deserves happiness. Just my two cents. Keep posting here, don't ever feel bad about it, posting here it's just part of the process of your own healing.

you did say some thing though, I think it would be understandable for you to say to your daughter-in-law that you think she needs to get unbiased help from a therapist, someone who is knowledgeable about alcoholism and tell her that you're struggling hearing these issues with your son but being unable to help her. Her venting to you is horrible for your own mental health, which is something I realized I was doing to my ex mother-in-law and I stopped. It was hurting her, and it was hurting me. And no one was getting actual help. My ex mother-in-law would often have conversations with my then husband, but it never did anything. You guys are just in a toxic cycle that will not fix itself until someone does something different. Does that make sense? I used to envision myself on a carousel, going around and around and around And I realize the only way to change was to get off the carousel.
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Old 02-23-2023, 06:22 AM
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I keep thinking about this more. Again just my two cents, you do what feels right to you. But way back when I was dealing with this I felt so isolated. She was the only one that knew for quite a while.

if you are wanting to do some thing helpful for your daughter-in-law that could also help your son, encouraging her to learn about alcoholism and telling her that what she's dealing with is not normal and that she should not be doing it alone and isolated, repeating that to her whenever she calls to vent about your son. That could help her which in turn could help your son and give you some emotional relief. Because those two in that house, if could go on for years if she is codependent and not working on herself and enabling his behavior.

I don't know, I am rambling. I am just thinking about things from your perspective and what helped me when I was in that situation.
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Old 02-23-2023, 06:42 AM
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Okay sorry last post. My advice above is wrong because it is not encouraging you to stay on your side of the street. You cannot control anyone else, you can just set your own boundaries on what you're willing to do/hear in those situations.

I'm sorry. Your post just hits close to home with me and the feelings I'm still sorting through with my exMIL so I'm not a great person to help hear, I'm too emotional in my response.
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Old 02-23-2023, 01:44 PM
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If you live in an area with several meetings I would suggest trying different ones and seeing if you feel an affinity for any other group/meeting.

You can also try sharing pretty much exactly what you said here either in a meeting when you share, or with someone after the meeting who you feel comfortable being open with.

"Venting" is quite common in the meetings I go to! Y'know venting about whatever I'm going through. AlAnon did help me to start framing the things I wanted to vent about as "I" statements, which helped me focus things on my reactions and my feelings etc.

Ex: "I got home the other night and my brother was lying on my back porch passed out, with his car keys in his hand. I completely panicked, I was so angry. I shook him and tried to wake him, he was a groggy mess. It was about 30 degrees outside and snowing. I wish I just called 911 and let EMS take him away. But I didn't. I dragged him into my kitchen. And my boys were going to be home in an hour and I was really freaked out about them seeing this! Like why should I care? I mean other than yes, it is disturbing, the thing I realize I was feeling was shame, and how quickly I wanted to hide this scenario from my sons! I mean, my mind was all over the place, my heart was racing, I was so angry, like I am so sick of this crap and I am really struggling...." etc.

Like that. So talking about what's on my mind, and what I'm dealing with, but not just talking about my brother, talking more about my feelings or what I did. And many many times I shared my absolutely ridiculous decisions of things that I did!! And so did other people in the meetings! That's one way I felt safe in AlAnon people had tried the same misguided things I did LOL. Just like here on SR where I feel like everyone can relate to what I'm going through.

But not just venting and focusing like, "My brother is acting like such an a**hole and HE did/said this and he did that.. and HE lied about this...and HE drank...etc etc."

As I listened and learned to keep re-framing things so that I was focused on my problems, and my choices, my reactions, and my life, the things I could control, the things I want to change and where I want to go I started to feel better. That's why I kept going back to meetings. It definitely took time for me to find the rhythm and understand how that re-framing and re-focus and the slogans and readings and steps were giving me effective tools.

I think just like any "therapy" or learning how to handle the on-going trauma of loving an active alcoholic, or any complicated efforts to help ourselves and change our behavior it takes time to find the best fit - for some people AlAnon provides the tools. For me it was a combo of AlAnon, books, on-on-one counseling, and this forum that really helped me grow and find more peace of mind.

Keep reaching out and accepting help and trying things. There are so many people on here who have been in your shoes. I've only dealt with acloholic father and brothers and friends...I've not had to deal with an A child which is a whole other level of challenge and heartbreak ((((hugs)))))

Peace,
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Old 02-24-2023, 01:28 PM
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When I was active in alanon, for several years, I had a sponsor. I attended several
different meetings, sometimes in the next town. I found a group, just the right size,
with members who were very experienced and willing to help by sponsoring new
comers. I attended meetings for a couple months, and observed others with the
intention of finding someone whose participation in the meetings matched what I
needed. She was one of the many "legs" of my support system. I could meet with her
before meetings, call her anytime, she guided me through the 12 steps. I also
had a counselor at the time who was trained in addiction therapy.
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Old 02-26-2023, 04:32 AM
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Thank you so much FWN for your contribution to helping me just to think about my different options. My DIL is codependent and will not get therapy she says she has done nothing and does notneed therapy. She says my son is the one who needs help, with which I am in agreeance, but can not force him to do anything. I have tried to talk to him and he still sees himself without a drinking problem. All this is affecting my health in which I am struggling. Exercise used to help, but I think the older you get the more your body is affected. I am trying to help myself because if my health declines, I am of no use to anyone, which also includes myself.

Thank you so much again for your reply. I am truly grateful for this forum. The insight, in my opinion, is priceless and in my time of true need, this group of supporters never fail to respond. For this I am also very grateful.
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Old 02-26-2023, 04:41 AM
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Thank you so much BERNADETTE! I have been to 2 different meetings here in South Florida now. As mentioned I had also participated while in WV via zoom, by participate I mean just listened. Thus far the meetings were very similar. I will continue to seek out other meetings as there is an abundance here where I live, thankfully. Thank you also for always being so compassionate and sharing above and beyond what you are trying to share. I am so so so grateful for the continued insight from this group.Hugs back to you
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Old 02-26-2023, 04:43 AM
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Thank you MYLIFEISMINE for your experience. I have not gotten there yet, and have not attended enough meetings to establish any rapport with anyone. I am slowly trying to get there. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Old 02-28-2023, 08:20 PM
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Hi Luvflowers,

I'm a newbie and your post really resonated with me. I'm in a fairly new, but serious relationship. We actually started living together before we became involved so there’s a complication, and then not long afterward, I discovered my new love is an alcoholic. He's never been abusive in any way, and most of the time is completely sweet, but when he's trying not to drink, he can get anxious and distant. He’s kind of amazing when drunk but shows signs of stress when sober. He drinks to self-medicate, there’s no doubt. As nice as it might sound, alcohol is not a good coping mechanism. And considering he's a diabetic, I can see he's drinking himself to an early grave. Plus engaging in other risky behaviors like driving after drinking. Not to mention the flaking on commitments, disappearing acts, etc.

So during one particularly nerve-wracking period of worrying about him until my stomach hurt, I looked up the Al-Anon schedule and I've now been to three independently run Al-anon meetings. I went hoping not only to learn how to make sure I don’t slip into unhealthy behavior patterns myself but to also learn about alcoholism and how to deal with it. I definitely want to make sure I'm not enabling him (is giving him a ride when drunk enabling?), trying to fix him, or becoming co-dependent. How do I love him without letting his problem consume me? Is that even possible? How do I know when too much is really too much? When the tradeoffs aren’t worth the worry and stress? And how do I get myself out of what I got myself into if that becomes necessary?

So that doesn’t seem to be what Al-Anon is about. And I haven't quite figured out what it is offering or why all these people in these meetings rave about how much they've been helped by it. The opening statements literally tell you not to talk about the alcoholic and not to talk about your own specific situations with the alcoholic. They encourage you to talk about hope and how much you've been helped by the program. Well, I'm not there yet, so I don't get it. I feel like I have nothing but questions, and nothing to offer the group at all.
Conversely, I was a member of Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous for many years and that was truly an amazing program that helped me so much that I truly wish everyone could experience it. We were allowed to talk very specifically about what we were going through. There were no limits on talking about our relationships, healthy or otherwise. We didn’t spend half an hour reading off all the rules and tenets before every meeting, so we had plenty more time for sharing without a timer being necessary. I guess I'm just confused by the format and am not yet seeing yet exactly what the Al-Anon benefits are. Other than knowing you're not alone? SLAA helped me so much because hearing what others were doing helped me recognize things in myself that I wouldn’t have been aware of. By hearing what they were doing right AND wrong, I was able to recognize when I was heading down the wrong path and make better decisions for myself. Unfortunately, we no longer have SLAA meetings in my area, so I was hoping that Al-Anon could provide similar benefits, now that I’m actually in a relationship with an alcoholic.

I’m not saying Al-anon is wrong because they do it differently, I’m just saying I don’t quite get it and I’m not sure it’s going to provide me with what I need. Maybe I just need more time? Or maybe I’m not in the right place? Do you, or anyone else, know where exactly we can go to find the kind of skills I’m looking to learn and develop?
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Old 03-01-2023, 12:32 AM
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Originally Posted by centrd View Post
I’m not saying Al-anon is wrong because they do it differently, I’m just saying I don’t quite get it and I’m not sure it’s going to provide me with what I need. Maybe I just need more time? Or maybe I’m not in the right place? Do you, or anyone else, know where exactly we can go to find the kind of skills I’m looking to learn and develop?
I understand what you are saying, I've only ever been to one Al Anon meeting so I'm certainly no expert. It is nice to know you are not alone, but what else is there?

In that one meeting, a very nice woman came up to me and talked a bit, then the meeting was held and afterward she gave me her phone number. There was also a list of phone numbers.

You can have a sponsor in Al Anon, that can help walk you through the steps, I think that is structure, but it's also about meeting others in somewhat the same boat that you can connect with outside the meetings, maybe that is what's missing?

This forum has tons of information that you will probably find really useful. You might want to post some of your questions in a new thread? Maybe share your situation (if you want to).

I'm glad you found the forum.


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Old 03-01-2023, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I understand what you are saying, I've only ever been to one Al Anon meeting so I'm certainly no expert. It is nice to know you are not alone, but what else is there?

In that one meeting, a very nice woman came up to me and talked a bit, then the meeting was held and afterward she gave me her phone number. There was also a list of phone numbers.

You can have a sponsor in Al Anon, that can help walk you through the steps, I think that is structure, but it's also about meeting others in somewhat the same boat that you can connect with outside the meetings, maybe that is what's missing?

This forum has tons of information that you will probably find really useful. You might want to post some of your questions in a new thread? Maybe share your situation (if you want to).

I'm glad you found the forum.
Thank you, Trailmix. That's actually really helpful, and I'll spend some time looking around. The answers are probably already here.

I think you're onto something about Al-anon. I'm getting the feeling it's more about what goes on outside the meetings. I also received a phone list from every meeting I attended, and I did meet one person I connected with at the first meeting and had coffee with her afterward. Other people also rushed up to me and pointed out their numbers on the list. It's almost like the meetings are more of an opportunity to meet people than work through stuff in the room. It's not what I expected, not what I'm used to, and I'm going to have to give it time to see if it's what I need. I will say that I felt relief knowing there were other people in the same boat as me. One woman in an almost identical situation even. It relieved some of the stress and sense of being lost that I was feeling. So I'll keep going for now, see what develops. Thanks again for the insight.
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Old 03-01-2023, 02:34 PM
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I actually liked Nar-Anon better, as both NA and Nar-anon use more generalized language regarding spirituality and faith. Also, the culture suited me better. And I remember being able to speak about what we were experiencing more openly.

My ex-AH was very active in NA while we were together, so I often went to meetings with him where I got familiar with the format and learned so much about addiction from addicts. We also made lots of friends that way and participated in community activities. I was fortunate to be close with his sponsor and others who still communicated with me in a loving and supportive way after my ex’s relapse. This made my transition into Nar-Anon for myself easier. I don’t currently attend, but I do love this forum, and still meet with my friends from these different groups. I also never hesitate to get back in a meeting when I can tell I need it! Or to read the materials as now I find it soothing 😅

All that is to say, yes, outside chats help so much! And yes, the culture of a meeting group varies from neighborhood to neighborhood and can change overtime as the consistent members change. Finding “your people” I think is the most important part of finding a meeting that will really help. I also advocate for attending a meeting of NA or AA as support if possible. You won’t get to speak, but different topics are broached, and it taught me so much.
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Old 03-01-2023, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by centrd View Post
I definitely want to make sure I'm not enabling him (is giving him a ride when drunk enabling?), trying to fix him, or becoming co-dependent. How do I love him without letting his problem consume me? Is that even possible? How do I know when too much is really too much? When the tradeoffs aren’t worth the worry and stress? And how do I get myself out of what I got myself into if that becomes necessary?
This is all stuff I remember hearing about and speaking about at Nar-anon meetings in my experience. Additionally, the book “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody had a lot of information I still use to this day to answer these kinds of questions for myself (because, at least in my opinion, the answers vary person-to-person and you have to figure out *your* answers and hold true to them).
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Old 03-01-2023, 08:25 PM
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Thanks, edoering, for both answers. Both are helpful. I love Pia Mellody. "Facing Love Addiction" actually fell off a shelf and into my hands and that's how I ended up in SLAA. Didn't have a clue I was a Love Addict until I read her book. Changed my life.

I'm going to get "Facing Codependence". Thanks for the reminder about Pia.
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