it's doesn't make sense I believed the fantasy about drinking but got what I always got,only it was so much worse. I hate who I become when I drink, I throughly hate the things I say. I said such lewd and horrible things to this nice girl and I feel so ashamed. I so badly want to make amends for my actions yesterday. this is not who I am or whom I want to be. it's not fun anymore just incredible sad. I don't know what i need to do differently to stay sober. I'm not going to rehab yet but if this keeps happening I'll go for sure. I really don't think It nessary I think last night needed to happen. this time was 100 times worse than last.
David