Thank you everyone for your replies. I agree it is time to focus on myself and I feel by digging all this up I finally am focusing on myself. The problem is is that the messages I have gotten from a young age was that I wasn’t worth caring about unless I was contributing a whole heck of a lot of time, money something of value… it was a give give give situation most times. I think when you grow up that way you tend to attract partners that treat you that way as well and at 42 years old I can’t say for certain I have had any romantic partners that have loved me or anyone who has even been faithful. I’ve done lots of therapy, watched every self help Ted talk imaginable, I workout daily, hold down a good career… it’s just this internal struggle of not feeling ok to feel happy… or like I’m not worthy of so much … that’s why I’m trying to do the deep dive into when I started feeling unworthy of love so I can heal … it’s not sitting in a poor me pot. It’s recognizing “hey something is not right with the way I talk to myself” and it’s a loop of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m just trying to be brave and put it all out there so I can process it. Also hopefully to relate to others struggling. For me drinking has never been a “let’s have fun thing”… it has always been in situations I feel anxiety around because I don’t feel good enough, fun enough, we’ll spoken enough… ect ect ect. My drinking is triggered by 1) an important work meeting that I feel like I may fumble my words in, 2) a first date 3) a project I have to prepare for. So I feel like if somehow I can feel my soul again (before it got the messages that I wasn’t worth love or fighting for). Maybe just maybe my self worth will grow and situations will feel easier because I won’t have this fear of not showing up perfect.