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3 days Again

Old 02-06-2023, 04:49 PM
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3 days Again

I drank last week. I traveled....

Traveling for me is a huge trigger ....even if it is for work. I am on day 3. I am feeling disappointed in myself

I am on Day 3 and I feel ok. Tired but ok. Depressed but ok.... I was depressed before I drank too. I seem to struggle with depression even when sober. Depression and anxiety both. I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months and I have so much resentment towards my mother. Feeling like I always had to be the grown up... always. Still having to be the responsible one all the time. There is so much pain there to discuss... I felt so alone growing up. I was the "responsible one". I didn't drink until my late twenties/early thirties and I still have never done a drug so I was always taking care of everyone around me including my mom. Then when things did happen to me ( I was raped at 16, had multiple miscarriages and never was able to have children and had a disease growing up that kept me in bed from 19-about 21 years old) I feel like my mom never cared about any of it. When I told her I was raped she said and I quote " I wish you would have told me sooner, we can't do anything about it now..." Mind you I was a minor... When I miscarried when I was 4 months pregnant and had to push the baby out at the hospital my mom never showed up even for lunch the next day ( I was in the hospital over night)... When my now ex husband left me ( overnight ) to be with another woman and never came back ... ( I still have never seen him ) ...my mom asked me to come over and when I was in a sad mood she had the nerve to tell me to be in a better mood and asked what was wrong with me....mind you this was less then 24 hours after my husband left. Yet when anything has happened to her I am expected to drop my life to be there for her. Which I have. Obviously I am co dependent but I also just want to be loved and be allowed to be human and go through things in life and be cared for sometimes... not a lot ....not all the time... just sometimes.

Sorry for rambling... I am just trying to get to the root of everything...figure out my low self worth... figure out my depression and anxiety and figure out why I drink when I do. Anyway I am happy to be back at 3 days at least.... no desire to drink at all right now...
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Old 02-06-2023, 05:23 PM
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Hi AJ

I'm sorry for all that has happened to you.

Its hard to break the bond between trauma and drinking but it can be done
I know its hard to get help for mental health right now, but keep trying, leave no stone unturned in your fight.

In the more immediate term, maybe you need a travelling plan, devised now, so you can stay sober next trip?

D
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Old 02-06-2023, 05:51 PM
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AJ, I'm sorry for all you've been through. I understand that a traumatic childhood creates so many problems, including low self-worth. Like you, I was codependent with my mother, desperate for her love and attention. I never got it. The best thing I did was to stop trying. AJ, you are a survivor and you are strong. Use that to begin to build your self-worth. Put yourself first as you are going through the early days of recovery. You are worth it.
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Old 02-06-2023, 05:59 PM
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Hi AJ. I'm sorry, too, to read about all the things that happened. As we now know, drinking does nothing to give us long term peace.
I'm so glad you came back & now have 3 days.
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Old 02-06-2023, 06:38 PM
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I can relate AJ. Trauma for me similar to your own. I'm so sorry. I was 16 too.

My mother responded in a very similar way. I don't even think she believed me. People don't like to look at taboo, it's too difficult for them. My mother would not have liked to think that something such as happened to us could happen to her daughter. She was defending her own position, not mine. It hurt me badly.

I agree with Anna, that the best we can do is to stop trying for our mother's love, and begin to love ourselves. I needed to be sober to do this. Drinking only compounded my feeling of low self esteem and self worth, and I knew I had to stop if I was ever about to reclaim myself.

I've been sober a little over 3 years now AJ, and I will never turn back. One day at a time

Have recently started therapy with a trauma specialist, and feel safe with her. I wish the same for you.

Things aren't brilliant for me AJ, but I now find myself in a position where I can find, not lose myself any longer.

Congratulations on 3 days. This is the beginning of a great and epic journey. Take it in both hands.
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Old 02-06-2023, 08:46 PM
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Thank you everyone. I’m happy to have 3 days. I don’t feel like drinking at all. I do feel like figuring out my self worth issue. As far as travel goes I adjusted my work travel so I have 6 months before I have to travel again. We are through my busy travel season. So that is good and I was going to take a trip in march but decided that I can stay put for 6 months … sobriety first. Traveling is when I always mess up my number of days sober. As soon as im
back home it is 75% easier. Having my creature comforts… my own bed. My routine. My Pilates classes. All help … it’s like the only time my AV creeps up big time.
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Old 02-07-2023, 07:01 AM
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I had a horrible relationship with my father. Counseling revealed that many of my "life" problems began there, but my drinking was my doing. I don't blame that on childhood trauma. Maybe I should... but I don't. I was years away from my father when I started to drink. The two don't seem that strongly connected. I can easily believe that people drink to mask (or try to mask) emotional problems and trauma, but I do not believe drinking provides actual relief. Masking, maybe. Relief, not at all in my case. When I was down, I would just get drunk and down. The problem I tried to drink away remained, but I was drunk and ready to sit on the pitty pot, which didn't solve anything either.
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Old 02-07-2023, 08:01 AM
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The use of the term 'pity pot' was a bit triggering for me DriGuy. It's a ridiculous term. Cruel, even.

I don't blame my mother particularly, but can certainly make connections between my drinking and trauma born out of early childhood abuse. Diagnosis PTSD.

I've been working my arse off trying to emerge from that nightmare, not sitting it on a pot.

Peace out.

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Old 02-07-2023, 08:05 AM
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AJ welcome back.

Originally Posted by AJ
I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months and I have so much resentment towards my mother.
I had the same feeling about my mother. For a long time I hated her and then I turned that hate inward and begun to hate myself. Not caring if I live or die each day made it easy to pick-up drink/drugs. My life philosophy became F-it, if i live in drunken squallor, so what, I deserve it because I'm worth less that trash. As a young man I was set on a course of dejection without direction. I was lost.

With recovery I learned with counseling, trauma groups, self directed study and practice of healing, forgiveness happened. I forgave myself because unlike my belief the trauma was my fault, I was not at fault. I forgave my mother because she too was not at fault. An ease flowed across my trauma, the 'sting' of being hurt to my very core, lifted. I had found a way to 'let go' of all the why it happened and why I was hurt. When I recall my trauma now it is loved and cared for by me. It is part of me and it has made me stronger, more resilient and proud to have survived the whole misery of active addiction.

And You too AJ can heal in ways that will amaze you.
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Old 02-07-2023, 08:13 AM
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Way to go, Zen.
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Old 02-07-2023, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
The use of the term 'pity pot' was a bit triggering for me DriGuy. It's a ridiculous term. Cruel, even.
That was not in reference to anyone besides myself. However, I can see that it could easily be interpreted as pertaining to another person, and I can honestly apologize for that if it offends. But it was just an accurate appraisal of myself and a recognition of the fact that it did little good. However, being somewhat self indulgent as I am, I have in recovery felt self pity on rare occasion, and the strategy I have used to deal with it is to allow myself to wallow deeply in it for 30 minutes and then move on. I seldom, in fact - never, have used the entire 30 minutes. I don't see it as being cruel. I would just be giving myself permission to be weak, without overdoing it.
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Old 02-07-2023, 01:27 PM
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Thanks DriGuy, I'm not free from self pity either, and really appreciate your post.

I can become so easily triggered out of this stuff DriGuy, and I know you're a good Guy.

So often people blame the victim. And i don't mean you, DriGuy.

"You shouldn't have worn a mini skirt; your lipstick was too red", and so on and so forth. I was child for goodness sake. And as Zen said, eventually I internalised it; and really it was my fault. Enter alcohol, and the wild child that became, me. Crazy Drunk.

But now there is a new me, trying to utilise the strategies that Zen has so eloquently put, and onwards I push, with all of us here.

And that includes you DriGuy. Thanks.




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Old 02-07-2023, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Steely View Post
But now there is a new me,
And the longer you are sober the more that old you begins to seem like some other person that got into your memory.
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Old 02-07-2023, 03:38 PM
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I'm counting on that DriGuy. Seems to be proven true thus far.
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Old 02-07-2023, 05:02 PM
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So sorry for all you went through, AJ. I agree with the others that it's time to focus on your relationship with yourself, not your mother. Put yourself first. Self care. Some therapy.

I have always been triggered by travel also, at least when I go to interesting or romantic place, mostly international. When I was sober for an extended time I found after the first year it wasn't a problem any longer. I just enjoyed the travel, with all the ups and downs, and adventure, that it entails.
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Old 02-07-2023, 07:59 PM
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I agree it is time to focus on myself and I feel by digging all this up I finally am focusing on myself. The problem is is that the messages I have gotten from a young age was that I wasn’t worth caring about unless I was contributing a whole heck of a lot of time, money something of value… it was a give give give situation most times. I think when you grow up that way you tend to attract partners that treat you that way as well and at 42 years old I can’t say for certain I have had any romantic partners that have loved me or anyone who has even been faithful. I’ve done lots of therapy, watched every self help Ted talk imaginable, I workout daily, hold down a good career… it’s just this internal struggle of not feeling ok to feel happy… or like I’m not worthy of so much … that’s why I’m trying to do the deep dive into when I started feeling unworthy of love so I can heal … it’s not sitting in a poor me pot. It’s recognizing “hey something is not right with the way I talk to myself” and it’s a loop of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m just trying to be brave and put it all out there so I can process it. Also hopefully to relate to others struggling. For me drinking has never been a “let’s have fun thing”… it has always been in situations I feel anxiety around because I don’t feel good enough, fun enough, we’ll spoken enough… ect ect ect. My drinking is triggered by 1) an important work meeting that I feel like I may fumble my words in, 2) a first date 3) a project I have to prepare for. So I feel like if somehow I can feel my soul again (before it got the messages that I wasn’t worth love or fighting for). Maybe just maybe my self worth will grow and situations will feel easier because I won’t have this fear of not showing up perfect.
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Old 02-08-2023, 03:45 AM
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That's exactly what happens AJ. Your self worth will grow. Not maybe, it will.

Sobriety just about guarantees it because we've removed that which has reduced us.
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Old 02-08-2023, 05:07 AM
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Sorry to hear you drank and about your trauma.
None of that defines who you Really are.
To go through all that and still think of others shows incredible strength.

I too had, have, low self esteem.
Unknown to me drinking made it worse.
Once I got some good sober time under my belt I started thinking maybe I'm not some weak, worthless being.
Staying sober takes strength. Lots of work.
I did that. Me.

What got me to that point was something I heard here, Do Not Drink No Matter What.

Early on that was my savior. No Matter What.
Now I can dig a little deeper if necessary but the drink is out of the picture.
Makes it much easier to get past the other stuff.

You can do it AJ. You ARE WORTH IT.
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Old 02-08-2023, 05:13 AM
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I could not stay sober till I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic for whom there is no other solution. Please keep an open mind about the possibility that you -- like me -- may be that type.

The basic text of A.A. -- the Big Book -- tells us that: "Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else." Unsurprisingly, one of the 12 steps of recovery in A.A. is devoted to getting to the root of these resentments. Perhaps consider going to A.A. and getting a sponsor to help you go through the steps.
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Old 02-08-2023, 06:35 AM
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AJ, if you like to read, "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav really helped me believe that I could begin to heal.
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