3 days Again
I drank last week. I traveled....
Traveling for me is a huge trigger ....even if it is for work. I am on day 3. I am feeling disappointed in myself
I am on Day 3 and I feel ok. Tired but ok. Depressed but ok.... I was depressed before I drank too. I seem to struggle with depression even when sober. Depression and anxiety both. I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few months and I have so much resentment towards my mother. Feeling like I always had to be the grown up... always. Still having to be the responsible one all the time. There is so much pain there to discuss... I felt so alone growing up. I was the "responsible one". I didn't drink until my late twenties/early thirties and I still have never done a drug so I was always taking care of everyone around me including my mom. Then when things did happen to me ( I was raped at 16, had multiple miscarriages and never was able to have children and had a disease growing up that kept me in bed from 19-about 21 years old) I feel like my mom never cared about any of it. When I told her I was raped she said and I quote " I wish you would have told me sooner, we can't do anything about it now..." Mind you I was a minor... When I miscarried when I was 4 months pregnant and had to push the baby out at the hospital my mom never showed up even for lunch the next day ( I was in the hospital over night)... When my now ex husband left me ( overnight ) to be with another woman and never came back ... ( I still have never seen him ) ...my mom asked me to come over and when I was in a sad mood she had the nerve to tell me to be in a better mood and asked what was wrong with me....mind you this was less then 24 hours after my husband left. Yet when anything has happened to her I am expected to drop my life to be there for her. Which I have. Obviously I am co dependent but I also just want to be loved and be allowed to be human and go through things in life and be cared for sometimes... not a lot ....not all the time... just sometimes.
Sorry for rambling... I am just trying to get to the root of everything...figure out my low self worth... figure out my depression and anxiety and figure out why I drink when I do. Anyway I am happy to be back at 3 days at least.... no desire to drink at all right now...