Hi TC,
I've missed our chats of late. I'd like to think I could have reached out and, perhaps, dissuade you from picking up.
I was really sad for you with what happened. An old timer in AA said to me "There's no point wishing for a better yesterday, but every point in hoping for a better tomorrow.". Tomorrow is yours, you can write the next chapter in your life story . I have every confidence you'll make it something you and you're loved ones are proud of.
Just hold the feeling of how you felt after picking up and reflect on that emotion . Keep it in your arsenal of tools to move forwards. NO GUILTO just positivity.
PM me anytime and I'll do anything I can to help you out.