ToughChoices

I will never drink or abuse any type of medication again. I will never change my mind.

I will do whatever it takes to remain of sane, sober, sound mind.

I will be the person God designed me to be: flawed (NO DOUBT!), but fun, kind, loyal, hard-working, and (now) absolutely devoted to honoring myself and my loved ones.

I will love my children fiercely and embrace who they show me that they are. I will not shame them into being something other than their true selves.

I will love my husband for the balance that he brings to my life. He is at peace with himself, and I have never known that peace. I have envied it and been suspicious of it, but now I will rejoice in him and seek peace for myself. I will not seek to control his path - I will be grateful that I am walking near him.

I will love myself as I love my family. I will honor what I know to be true. I will trust my own instinct. I will not be ashamed. I will forge my own way.

I will continue to make plans as I discover what I want.

Steely

It's after 2am here and up late. Scrolling, listening to a Quiz on the radio. One day I'll phone them. You win a fridge magnet and believe me when I say it is a highly sought prize.

We're walking the walk TC.

And I like the scenery.

SoberLeigh

Absolutely brilliant plan, ToughChoices.

Dee74

It’s a new day and a new start TC

D

aasharon90

I love the positivity, honesty and inspiration
in your post. It gave me goosies when I read
it ToughChoices.

kes2

Hi TC,

I've missed our chats of late. I'd like to think I could have reached out and, perhaps, dissuade you from picking up.

I was really sad for you with what happened. An old timer in AA said to me "There's no point wishing for a better yesterday, but every point in hoping for a better tomorrow.". Tomorrow is yours, you can write the next chapter in your life story . I have every confidence you'll make it something you and you're loved ones are proud of.

Just hold the feeling of how you felt after picking up and reflect on that emotion . Keep it in your arsenal of tools to move forwards. NO GUILTO just positivity.

PM me anytime and I'll do anything I can to help you out.

ToughChoices

Thanks, kes. I've missed you, too!

Turns out, people can only help me if I'm willing to ask for help. I didn't realize the extent to which I was white-knuckling this situation until the opportunity presented itself......and I jumped. My brain is tricky.

I didn't consciously want to be DRUNK. I told myself that I just wanted to relax for a minute, but DRUNK, apparently, is what my tricky brain DEMANDS if I open the door to alcohol just the tiniest bit.

This is helpful information for me to have. The "relaxation" that I have been longing for and romanticizing quietly for 9 months, is a complete illusion. It is not what God has in mind for me. There is truer, deeper, better, richer, more meaningful peace in my sober life. It is my job to seek that with my whole heart. I will.

Thanks for your support, friend!
-TC

ToughChoices

I will re-work the 12 Steps, now that I have LEGIT, really, truly, fully, taken Steps 1, 2, and 3.

I'm a little envious of people who come into AA ready to honestly do the Work. I'm just self-important and self-deluded enough that I needed a little additional suffering (information) to be fully ready.

I am ready now. Let's go!

kes2

Hi TC,

My advice is don't see your recovery as a fight but a positive life choice for YOU and your loved ones. Everything's easier for me now I've accepted this.

Work the 12 steps, if that's your bag, and come out the other side shining like a new dime. Afterall, when you choose to live each day sober, there's so much less to go wrong and so much to go right in your life. It's taken me a while, but it's great to wake up feeling good and smiling rather than forcing poison down my throat, weeping because I didn't want to do it anymore, feeling so poorly, but didn't have a say anymore because I had to do it.

Life on life's terms is good for now and I'll take that!!!!

Good luck

Zencat

Hi TC

You're a very smart, articulate, clearly higher educated woman. I admire that and find your post very well thought out.

Just something I want just to throw out there is something I experienced in my many recovery journeys: Analysis Paralysis. I don't mean to imply you have this. I did at one time overthink why I became addicted. I wanted to know the causation. I got lost in the process and my recovery suffered.

"The Big Plan" I will never drink/drug again and I will never change my mind.
Say it many times daily like a mantra. I believe I needed to shock my subconscious mind by laying down law on the Beast. I think there's no better way than to stand your ground and not budge an inch with a strong declaration of intentions. It's like, take that Beast, your game is over and I'm cleaning house. I see alcohol/drugs as a vile poison, ready to take me down without my daily recovery/wellness program of action. Like my signature reads, the Beast is always ready to pounce. Got to be on my toes

Thank you for being a big part of how I'm staying sober TC.
Keep up the good effort.
Alone I can not get sober, together we can rise above our troubles

ToughChoices

Thanks for your kind words, Zencat! Your posts are always kind, thoughtful, funny, and wise. I appreciate you!

I definitely have a tendency to introspect and overthink. I've got to keep my mind in check. Action is the only way out of my problem, but I insist on spending some time contemplating my WHY. Because I want to share it. Warn others. Scream from the hilltops, "Listen to yourselves!!"

While I do that, I will never drink/drug again, and I will never change my mind.

I abused substances to tame something that needs to be let free. I was trying to swallow my God-given emotions so that I could play a sweet, docile part. I was full of self-centered fear that being myself would not be enough. And I think that other people (especially) women, should be made aware of the danger that living for everyone else's benefit poses.

So I will ACT and I will THINK and I will SPEAK.

ToughChoices

Thanks, Kes.

I just had to reframe my mindset. I'm missing out on NOTHING. All the freedom and promise lies in refusing to poison my soul. When I see it from this angle, there is nothing to fight. No one purposely picks misery, anxiety, poverty, and broken dreams from the list of life options. They just haven't realized that there is a better way - they are used to the illusion of peace that alcohol grants, and that illusion gets mistaken for "the best that can be."

Illusion removed. Fog lifted. I now know what it means when people say that they have been "delivered" of their desire. It is a blessing that requires continuous vigilance.