The daily reading in the alcoholism forum yesterday was as follows:
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As Bill Sees It
Renew Your Effort, p. 68
"Though I know how hurt and sorry you must be after this slip, please do not worry about a temporary loss of your inner peace. As calmly as you can, just renew your effort in the A.A. program, especially those parts of it which have to do with meditation and self-analysis.
"Could I also suggest that you look at excessive guilt for what it is? Nothing but a sort of reverse pride. A decent regret for what has happened is fine. But guilt--no.
"Indeed, the slip could well have been brought about by unreasonable feelings of guilt because of other moral failures, so called. Surely, you ought to look into this possibility. Even here you should not blame yourself for failure; you can be penalized only for refusing to try for better things."
Letter, 1958
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I'm not sure that anything could have helped me as much as this did today. This reading and all of the wonderful, supportive words from my friends here at SR are giving me LIFE!
Recovery is my path. I just didn't realize how scary venturing off-trail would be.
I really only remember taking one drink. But I woke up many hours later and the entire day was gone. That's terrifying! And, apparently, quite common for alcoholics. Sober, sane TC would never drink like that. But all it took was one drink to turn me into a drunken, ridiculous TC. And THAT TC is a bad decision maker. I cannot give alcohol even an inch of my headspace. It will take everyone that I love, and it will kill me.
I will not allow it in. There is no room for alcohol in my life.
Recovery Plan Reboot:
*I'm going to research and add in SMART recovery strategies.
*I'm going to make a Big Plan.
*I'm going to wake up everyday in gratitude that I am here and loved and forgiven.
*I'm going to call my sponsor at least twice a week and continue with 4 meetings each week.
*I'm going to continue reading and posting on SR
*I'm going to pray for humility, because my ego is my worst enemy.
*I'm going to ask my therapist for some CBT techniques to put to use when a bizarre urge strikes.
*I'm going to remember the SEVERITY of my disease. It's ok to be weak. It's not ok to think I am strong enough to re-write the rules.
Failure sucks. But I've NEVER been more convinced of my desire to be FREE.
Thanks for understanding. You all are a lovely support system.
-TC