I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by completing giving themselves to the simple program of recovery laid out in Alcoholics Anonymous. (Cf. Big Book, p. 58: "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program ....") Importantly, those types "will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge." (BB, p. 39.) I have no idea whether you are one of those types, but I encourage you to keep an open mind about it. That is, you may need A.A. to quit for good and live the life you seek. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.