I really don't know much about depression or treatment. I was diagnosed with depression 20 or so years ago when I dropped out of college. Did a few sessions with a therapist, got some meds. Apparently meds and booze don't play well together and that went badly. So I stopped taking the meds (because I sure as hell wasn't going to stop drinking). And I only went to enough therapy sessions to fulfill the requirements of a medical withdrawal from college so I could get tuition reimbursement. Not sure if I really was depressed or just playing the role. I was drinking to pass out nightly at that point while also trying to balance school with work, GF, social stuff, and my own musical pursuits so maybe I was just spread too thin and looking for a way out. Sometimes I can even fool myself so I'm often skeptical of my own motives. Haven't thought about that recently but, yeah.
Not looking for a diagnosis or any sort of medical advice, and I know that's not allowed here anyway. Mostly I think being able to vent would be helpful. That's why I'm here. I haven't told anyone I've met in my new life my backstory, and while my family gets the gist of it, it isn't on the table as a topic of conversation. So when I want to get into the nitty gritty of how to reconcile a new hopeful future with a greasy grimy past and all the weirdness of feeling like I'm halfway between the two I don't currently have an outlet for that. Except here. I know I can say things here and that people will know what I mean. Like, REALLY KNOW what I mean. Not just a polite nod and a platitude. And it feels good to be heard by people I think can really hear and understand what I'm saying. Not sure trying to explain my long strange trip to a "normie" would be as cathartic. Suppose I could try AA. I've been to a few meetings, years ago. It wasn't what I was looking for at the time. But the two groups I attended were probably polar opposites. One was in a dark basement with maybe 8 other dudes, like a caricature. The other was almost like a town meeting with probably 50 or more people there, well lit, very normal seeming. That didn't seem right to me either. Because I didn't feel normal and that seemed too normal. I'm sure that most AA groups probably fall somewhere between those two and there's probably a lot of people with a lot to give that I could meet.
Or I could just come here on occasion when I need to sort of think out loud.
So today I'm thinking about confidence. I have it sometimes in counterproductive ways. Like, when I just KNOW I'm right, so right that I can feel the universe lining up behind me in support of my rightness! Can't believe that anyone could be stupid enough to not see how right I am! But then it turns out I was wrong. And I have to face those moments now. I can't drink it away, hide in a dark corner and change the subject. And it's hard. But I also have some positive confidences. And while those confidences can be shaken, they've held up to scrutiny so far. Of course, everything being so unsettled currently it's tough to say if I'll still hold those same confidences a year from now. Am I babbling? I'm babbling. Time to say good night.
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share back at me. Feel like I'm oversharing but I started the thread, so...