Notices

Hello, again

Old 06-03-2022, 11:56 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SDH73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
Hello, again

Hi. I joined this site a few years ago. Haven't been here in a while. Things got much worse. Long strange trip and all that.

Anyway, I haven't had a drink since mid-to-late November (I'm not counting days), so a bit over 7 months sober.

Feeling stressed out about the rest of my life right now. Like, I'd kind of written myself off and thought I'd drink until it killed me. But now here I am sober.

The reason I'm posting here is because I lost my job when the sports bar I worked at closed due to COVID. I had worked there for almost 20 years. And I REALLY don't want to find another bartending job, or any other restaurant/bar job. The $ was nice but I always hated it and dreaded going to work. But that's pretty much my entire work history, customer service. So I'm looking around for a suitable job and I'm just completely unqualified to do most anything else.

Not having a pity party, just trying to organize my thoughts.

I'm in a decent position. Moved in with family so not many expenses currently. Got a gig giving private music lessons but it's very part-time and not sure if it'll ever be enough of a money-maker to be my sole source of income and allow me to be independent. I've thought about going back to school but...well, that's still on the table I guess. I don't know. I just feel adrift and aimless and all.

I'm guessing that others here have found themselves in a similar situation and I'm wondering what did you do about it? Or what are you doing about it? I need some encouragement or hopeful stories, please.

Thanks!





SDH73 is offline  
Old 06-04-2022, 02:12 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
fishkiller's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,121
Good Work on 7 Months!

I know you said customer service is your main skillset but the service and construction industries are begging for help here. Not sure about where you are but we have companies offering $20 an hour to cut grass and cannot find help.
If you are thinking of school maybe look into HVAC. There will Always be a demand for those skills. Get certified and you should be able to pick and choose jobs.

The 1st year and a half I was floundering around looking for what the rest of my life looked like. I had recently retired and became bored and disoriented at where I should be and where I should go. I had learned a new skill and made it a business but soon after becoming sober I realized I had become fascinated learning the new skill but after that wore off I realized I did not care much for the work itself. Add the stress of making it into a business and I was becoming miserable.
I closed the business and thought for a while what to do. I cannot sit on the porch and drink tea all day.

I ended up going back to my original skill set and I am choosing the jobs I want not taking everything that comes my way. I am much happier.

I know the situations are different but they are also similar. We both got sober. Were unemployed and lost on where to go next.
What worked for me was staying sober, most importantly, and trying new things. Even though I went back to my original skillset, which I though I hated, I tried new things and that made me realize I did not hate what I had been doing all these years I hated The Way I had been doing it all those years. Drunk, stressed, covered in chaos.

Stay sober, get to know yourself better and try new things. You Will figure it out.

fishkiller is offline  
Old 06-04-2022, 02:16 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
VikingGF's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,388
It sounds like you are ripe for change- school sounds like a good option. I have a friend just completing her courses in medical transcription, it took a few months. I’m sure others will have some advice for you. Great work on 7 months!
VikingGF is offline  
Old 06-04-2022, 02:50 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
Good to hear from you SDH - congrats on seven months

Going back to school or some kind of retraining would certainly open up your options?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 11-12-2022, 09:34 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SDH73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
I don't come back to this place very often. Not drinking isn't a daily struggle for me currently so I don't spend a lot of time on focusing on it. Alcohol does pop up in my mind a bit and sometimes in my dreams but it passes. I know I can't drink and don't feel like I am close to caving on that. So that's good, I think.

Coming up on a year sober (December 1) and feeling just plain lost and kind of "eh". I guess it's still early recovery and all but I kind of thought I'd be feeling a little more together by now. Objectively I'm doing better, have a job that I don't hate and getting physical activity and stuff like that. But I seem to be just noticing how much damage I've done, not just to my social/financial standing but to my psyche. I don't trust myself, second-guess everything I say and do and then feel badly about it. Can't seem to decide how I feel about much of anything. Everything seems trite. Have trouble enjoying anything because it all seems sort of pointless. I find myself to be not quite as charming or amusing when I'm sober. Anyway, some days are better than others. Mostly I feel very aimless, adrift, and "eh". Oh, and social cues! I've gotten quite good at picking up on them...much later than I should have. Retroactive embarrassment. Maybe I never matured past my 20's, which is when I started drinking habitually (49 now).

Not trying to have a pity party. I'm just wondering is this normal for a year or so in? Or more to the point: is this horribly abnormal? Feeling unstable, unsteady, unsure, uneasy a lot of the time?
I've thought that maybe it's time to suck it up and talk to a professional but I'm uninsured and wouldn't be able to swing therapy visits out-of-pocket.

Fishkiller mentioned in a post above that he floundered for a year and a half or so after getting sober, so maybe it's par for the course?

Any thoughts from those with more experience would be appreciated. My best to everyone here! Thanks.

(P.S. Sorry if this seems scattered but I am actually feeling pretty scattered.)
SDH73 is offline  
Old 11-12-2022, 09:43 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
Hi SDH

I decided pretty early that I needed to change my life. My life was a drinkers life.
The only think that fits into that life is drinking.

I had a fairly scattered and chaotic life because that lent itself to regular drinking.
I needed a life that lent itself as well to whoever sober me was.

The drop in drop out again approach I had to drinking and periodic sobering up didn't really serve me as well sober. I needed a consistent effort. You're obviously doing well to get a year, and I'm not saying you have to be here everyday - but I think you need to maintain your recovery even when things are going well?

I was lucky in that I had no real limits as to what I could change....but 'what do I want from my sober life' and 'who do I think sober me is or might be like' are not bad places to start the introspection?

Congrats on your near year

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 11-14-2022, 02:58 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 26
I certainly don't have any words of wisdom on my second day sober (not that I haven't had many second days). I am a pretty lousy quitter (or a really good one). I guess that just depends on how you look at it. I decided to try sobriety again because I would like to be different. I would like to live differently. I listened to an audio book over the weekend that was of the self help variety. I have read a ton of those since I've had a million pauses where I want to be different. I have realized that it's really hard to gain any momentum with positive change if I am semi regularly derailed by a binge hangover and all its counterproductive results. I quit smoking (again for the umpteenth time) about five months ago. Your post resonated with me because I have hit that place of drifting, aimless apathy with my smobriety where I start to question...well everything. I have lived a life of much overindulgence where my clutching of vice has either shielded me or prevented me from achieving a regular ole grown up life. I am a few years ahead of you. Don't get me wrong. I have a good job. I am proud to say I own my own home (well me and the bank). Although my choices of drink and vice helped assauge the everyday loneliness associated with lifelong intimacy and relationship challenges I have fared alright otherwise. Back to the book which makes the point that goals cannot be realized if you have no everyday systems and practices to achieve them. It was a bit of light bulb moment for me. The author makes the point that everyday systems that enable you to achieve goals aren't exciting and that in fact at times they can be downright boring... but you do them any way. Ah there's the rub. It makes the point that no matter how you feel.... you just gotta keep showing up and it's the showing up that is the must. Even if you show up every day for something for just two minutes every day (which isn't too much to chew really) you well eventually develop the habit of showing up. What I am trying to say is ... it's that showing up part that gives me grief... my intolerance for the mundane and sometimes difficult. You have showed up for one thing every day for a year and that's pretty amazing. I envy you. I don't know why I am saying all this other than your mood seemed to match my own and my rambling away here might keep me sober today so I show up tomorrow. Hope others can speak to that miracle happening that I have heard others talk about but I know nothing about. But I will venture a guess that one year of lucid days and decisions is no match for a bulk of adulthood just 'wingin it" with a drink in hand and hair straight back!
Northernsong is offline  
Old 11-15-2022, 12:01 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SDH73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
Thanks for the replies, guys.

I'm hanging in here. I looked around online and it seems that my situation is not so unique. Huh, imagine that.

I do feel raw, like everything is sand and I'm Anakin Skywalker (if you get it you get it).

I'm trying to build daily routines. Exercise, music practice. Trying to meet people and network a little (moved to a far away place where I know only family) without overextending myself. I have limited tolerance for social situations.
Northernsong mentioned setting goals, even small ones. I am looking at that, one immediate to mid-term goal is to get my credit back up to a reasonable level. Pay off some creditors and whatnot. Funny thing, I couldn't tell you what those creditors are collecting for. Yeah, I've been sober for almost a year but the couple of years before that are pretty much a big empty space in my mind with no recollection of much. Except I was unemployed and quarantined with nothing to do but drink due to Covid and somehow I must have gotten into some stuff I don't remember.

As Dee said, figuring out who sober me is would be a good thing. I'm seeing changes in thought patterns from even just a couple of months ago so it sort of puts me in constant flux. Like I'm not sure if how I'm feeling on any given day is how I really feel in general or if it'll seem silly tomorrow. I just don't know. So I'm in my head a lot. I try to not be too hard on myself while also not completely let myself off the hook. I was thinking earlier today about some old friends who tried to help me up when I wasn't ready. I reached out to them after I'd finally stopped for myself and no responses. I had thought at the time, like, whatever. Moving on, their loss. All that kind of garbage. Now I'm considering what it must have been like for them to see me like that. And also, as I said before my memory of that time is pretty hazy to non-existent and completely unreliable. It's entirely possible that I did or said some unforgivable things to them that I don't remember.

Anyway, all this to say that I'm a work in progress. Everyone is, I get that.

Before I made the decision to stop, which I actually do not remember consciously making, I had considered myself a "goner". It wasn't a question or a suicidal thing, I just thought that that was it. I'll just drink a bit more and then I'll be gone. Poof!
Now I'm here and it's like I'm looking at society from the outside and thinking it's comical how seriously we as a species take ourselves. Like things only matter as they pertain to humans. But also, all of my personal problems are the biggest problems that have ever existed for any member of any species that has ever been! So figure that one out.

So, yeah. I don't know much of anything at the moment. Not sure how I'm going to feel about anything even tomorrow. But I'm okay today, I guess. Tomorrow I'm going to get up and go to work sharing my love of music with others (and get paid for it?!). That's one of my load-bearing structures at the moment. I wouldn't have gotten this job in the first place if I hadn't had a bit of sobriety behind me, and I sure wouldn't last long in it if I showed up reeking of booze and slurring my speech. That's not to say that my job is the only thing keeping me sober, but it's certainly a big part of the new sober life I'm working on.

Okay. It seems like I've said a lot but probably didn't say much at all. Anyway, thanks again for the replies. Best to all!
SDH73 is offline  
Old 11-15-2022, 12:24 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,040
Keep on rockin' SDH

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 11-15-2022, 02:55 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,063
"I don't come back to this place very often. Not drinking isn't a daily struggle for me currently..."
"Anyway, some days are better than others. Mostly I feel very aimless, adrift..."


Well come back to grumble then. The support here does not end when you stop drinking.

From my POV, what you are feeling is pretty normal. Life is not perfect. But always better sober. Something that helped me in early sobriety was a comment from a guy at an AA meeting. He said he felt a lot better once he realized he was comparing the inside view of his life with the outside facade of other people's lives. The reality is that everybody has issues. We just see our own issues perhaps too clearly.
AAPJ is offline  
Old 11-15-2022, 06:32 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by SDH73 View Post
But also, all of my personal problems are the biggest problems that have ever existed for any member of any species that has ever been!
I get that. If everybody just realized how specifically difficult my very unique first world problems world were then they'd know. Boy oh boy they'd know. Oh how I toil under my own skin. Alas, apparently it's just a job for one ..alone ; )
Northernsong is offline  
Old 11-15-2022, 03:16 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
 
Zencat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,680
Originally Posted by SDH
I don't trust myself, second-guess everything I say and do and then feel badly about it. Can't seem to decide how I feel about much of anything. Everything seems trite. Have trouble enjoying anything because it all seems sort of pointless.

I don't have much sober time strung together but I do have over 20 years of mental health treatments. Good description of depression there you wrote. Do you know any about depression recovery? Like addiction, depression is a treatable disorder/illness. Keep searching for answers that make sense to you.

Zencat is offline  
Old 11-16-2022, 01:03 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SDH73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 1,004
I really don't know much about depression or treatment. I was diagnosed with depression 20 or so years ago when I dropped out of college. Did a few sessions with a therapist, got some meds. Apparently meds and booze don't play well together and that went badly. So I stopped taking the meds (because I sure as hell wasn't going to stop drinking). And I only went to enough therapy sessions to fulfill the requirements of a medical withdrawal from college so I could get tuition reimbursement. Not sure if I really was depressed or just playing the role. I was drinking to pass out nightly at that point while also trying to balance school with work, GF, social stuff, and my own musical pursuits so maybe I was just spread too thin and looking for a way out. Sometimes I can even fool myself so I'm often skeptical of my own motives. Haven't thought about that recently but, yeah.

Not looking for a diagnosis or any sort of medical advice, and I know that's not allowed here anyway. Mostly I think being able to vent would be helpful. That's why I'm here. I haven't told anyone I've met in my new life my backstory, and while my family gets the gist of it, it isn't on the table as a topic of conversation. So when I want to get into the nitty gritty of how to reconcile a new hopeful future with a greasy grimy past and all the weirdness of feeling like I'm halfway between the two I don't currently have an outlet for that. Except here. I know I can say things here and that people will know what I mean. Like, REALLY KNOW what I mean. Not just a polite nod and a platitude. And it feels good to be heard by people I think can really hear and understand what I'm saying. Not sure trying to explain my long strange trip to a "normie" would be as cathartic. Suppose I could try AA. I've been to a few meetings, years ago. It wasn't what I was looking for at the time. But the two groups I attended were probably polar opposites. One was in a dark basement with maybe 8 other dudes, like a caricature. The other was almost like a town meeting with probably 50 or more people there, well lit, very normal seeming. That didn't seem right to me either. Because I didn't feel normal and that seemed too normal. I'm sure that most AA groups probably fall somewhere between those two and there's probably a lot of people with a lot to give that I could meet.

Or I could just come here on occasion when I need to sort of think out loud.

So today I'm thinking about confidence. I have it sometimes in counterproductive ways. Like, when I just KNOW I'm right, so right that I can feel the universe lining up behind me in support of my rightness! Can't believe that anyone could be stupid enough to not see how right I am! But then it turns out I was wrong. And I have to face those moments now. I can't drink it away, hide in a dark corner and change the subject. And it's hard. But I also have some positive confidences. And while those confidences can be shaken, they've held up to scrutiny so far. Of course, everything being so unsettled currently it's tough to say if I'll still hold those same confidences a year from now. Am I babbling? I'm babbling. Time to say good night.

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share back at me. Feel like I'm oversharing but I started the thread, so...

SDH73 is offline  
Old 11-16-2022, 04:36 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
fishkiller's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,121
Getting sober is tough.
But it's worth it.

I can relate to all you said. I figured I wasnt long for this world so might as well ride it out wasted until my liver explodes.
I drank for over 3 decades so this new life is overwhelming at times.
I get the dull aching feelings at times still. Like , "this is it?"
Then I realize this is IT!
This is the life I have worked my ass of for over the last almost 3 years. I've got it!
Is it all unicorns and rainbows? Hell no.
Is it better than the addictive cycle of hell I lived most of my life. 1,000s of times better.
So why do we feel such negativity in this New Life? Why is everyday not AWESOME? Because life.

The AV comes to mind first off. It will manipulate our minds to get us back to the hell of drinking.
Any thought telling me this New Life isn't great is just my addiction begging to come back.
We've spent so much time and effort seeking out euphoria through substances the we cannot find it any other way. At least that's what the AV says.
Ignore that fool.

I can't tell you how to get your mind right as we all work differently but for me I come here and interact with those who are where I was. This helps me regain perspective at how much better my life is now even when it seems dull and unfulfilled. Helping others just naturally helps ourselves too.

Look at the little things. Appreciate those things that weren't possible when drinking.

Most of all Hang In There.
It Gets Better.

This is a New Life. Like all things new it takes getting used to.
fishkiller is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:24 AM.