AVRT trying again
I really struggle to get clear of cocaine. Been a 21 year addiction. I did manage to get clean briefly for 7 weeks in 2020 (this was before I ever heard of AVRT) and ironically what made me cave was some voice that said "Its xmas in a few weeks u can have 1 then" and then of course it became "well its only a few weeks to go u may as well just have it now" and that was that. Not had a day off it since and whenever I get half way through a day and the thought of not picking up hits me, i feel absolute terror of going home and being in my lonely flat having to deal with a comedown.
I've learned AVRT. I hear the voice. I can say "that's the AV" but where it falls apart is it's got such a grip over my fears and worries it can talk me round very easily. I mean "You can't do that without a line" "remember how good this is" "start tomorrow cuz too stresful today". Even seeing images of xmas lights this year and im getting memories of how i had a line right after those last year and it will be crap if i don't.
When I leave the house, everythings a trigger. People, places, activities I end up in mad panic cuz I get those "oh we really need a line" feelings everywhere. I realise that this is cuz I havent had a day off in years and it has complete hold over me but Im struggling to get the strength to fight my AV. Its just so so powerful and guess I need some advice on how to get the first 2 weeks under my belt. I feel if i can just get 2 weeks ill get the control back to see this through for good