Day 5. And in some ways, feels like it's only getting tougher. Did not sleep at all last night. And not sleeping has its own very nasty subvariant--the inability to shut one's mind off. Not only, but it stays on the same 2-3 horrible tracks. The day consists of killing time. The night consists of tossing, turning, ruminating.
"SS, it’s such a good thing, these yucky feelings….make a diary, never forget. You KNOW they go away. You just had no idea when you thought a few weeks ago that alcohol would help you through this tough time, that it really would be this much hell."
No, I did not. Not even with my history. And this time I'm doing it with a broken heart.
I'm not sure it's a matter of thinking "that alcohol would help." I just...snapped. It had all been just too much. Friday night I thought: I know how tempted I am...well, not tonight. I can drink tomorrow. And then tomorrow came another day that felt like an anvil falling. I was at the gym and finishing my workout. I had decided to drink. There was an AA meeting in 30 minutes right down the street. And I just snapped. Oh, that I could revisit that decision. But I just couldn't take it anymore. I hit the store for a 12-pack on the way home. And I was given one last reprieve: it had been so long since I'd bought alcohol I didn't know they were scanning IDs. So I had to go back to the car. Had I been in my right mind, I would have said, you know, that is a clear sign right there. And I would have turned around and gone to AA. Or just come home and posted here on SR.
So I now I pay for it. Like never before. And I'm really worried I feel this bad on Day 5.