ToughChoices

I met with my previous employer (and good friend) yesterday in order to attempt amends to him. I worked for him for 9 years, but lost my job in February after my addiction came to light. At that point I had been stealing mild narcotics for 4 years. It started out very small. Then grew. No one knew.

I say “mild” narcotics not to minimize the theft or severity of my addiction, but to explain how it went unnoticed for so long.

As a pharmacist, if you take a tablet of morphine, it is MISSED. If you take a “mild”, not very tightly controlled pain tablet, no one will notice.

In my case, no one noticed until, at the end, I was taking approximately 700 tablets per month. Even I had NO IDEA of the quantity. I was terrified to keep track of the amount.

But, meeting with my old boss, revealed the actual amount (he was kind of in awe). That’s the truth.

Ugh.

I’m posting this because I definitely haven’t been entirely honest with myself about the extent of my drug use. I knew it was harmful and problematic, but damn. The sheer number is ridiculous.

In the midst of all this TRUTH, and my profession of a commitment to be different (rather than just sorry), my ridiculously forgiving boss fairly well offered me my job back (as soon as it’s legal for me to do that job again). WHAT?!?!?!

He told me I was a huge asset and he missed me. He said that he wondered if the company would ever run as well as it had when I was there. And he asked me to keep an open mind about my future there.

But, to me, at this point in my recovery (5 months clean and sober, AA meetings 4-5 days per week, step-work, sponsor, therapist, random UA’s through my pharmacy board), I couldn’t do my old job any more safely than an alcoholic could be a bartender.

What’s tricky is: the whole point of my state board’s recovery network is to rehabilitate pharmacists to continue working in their field. So I’m supposed to, eventually, get well enough to do my old job. But right now it sounds BONKERS.

I just told him I had no idea if/when I’d be ready to think about a return to that job, but that I appreciated his kindness and was blown away by his forgiveness.

It feels selfish for me to ?sneer? at ?refuse? such a ridiculously gracious offer when I WRECKED this man’s business model and work life. But, I don’t know if I can stay clean in that setting right now.

How do you say this with grace? I was there to make amends. He accepted and then offered a massive olive branch. Am I wrong to refuse the branch? So confused.

Thanks for any insight.

-TC