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Made Some Amends - The Truth and Forgiveness

Old 07-26-2022, 10:01 AM
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Made Some Amends - The Truth and Forgiveness

I met with my previous employer (and good friend) yesterday in order to attempt amends to him. I worked for him for 9 years, but lost my job in February after my addiction came to light. At that point I had been stealing mild narcotics for 4 years. It started out very small. Then grew. No one knew.

I say “mild” narcotics not to minimize the theft or severity of my addiction, but to explain how it went unnoticed for so long.

As a pharmacist, if you take a tablet of morphine, it is MISSED. If you take a “mild”, not very tightly controlled pain tablet, no one will notice.

In my case, no one noticed until, at the end, I was taking approximately 700 tablets per month. Even I had NO IDEA of the quantity. I was terrified to keep track of the amount.

But, meeting with my old boss, revealed the actual amount (he was kind of in awe). That’s the truth.

Ugh.

I’m posting this because I definitely haven’t been entirely honest with myself about the extent of my drug use. I knew it was harmful and problematic, but damn. The sheer number is ridiculous.

In the midst of all this TRUTH, and my profession of a commitment to be different (rather than just sorry), my ridiculously forgiving boss fairly well offered me my job back (as soon as it’s legal for me to do that job again). WHAT?!?!?!

He told me I was a huge asset and he missed me. He said that he wondered if the company would ever run as well as it had when I was there. And he asked me to keep an open mind about my future there.

But, to me, at this point in my recovery (5 months clean and sober, AA meetings 4-5 days per week, step-work, sponsor, therapist, random UA’s through my pharmacy board), I couldn’t do my old job any more safely than an alcoholic could be a bartender.

What’s tricky is: the whole point of my state board’s recovery network is to rehabilitate pharmacists to continue working in their field. So I’m supposed to, eventually, get well enough to do my old job. But right now it sounds BONKERS.

I just told him I had no idea if/when I’d be ready to think about a return to that job, but that I appreciated his kindness and was blown away by his forgiveness.

It feels selfish for me to ?sneer? at ?refuse? such a ridiculously gracious offer when I WRECKED this man’s business model and work life. But, I don’t know if I can stay clean in that setting right now.

How do you say this with grace? I was there to make amends. He accepted and then offered a massive olive branch. Am I wrong to refuse the branch? So confused.

Thanks for any insight.

-TC
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Old 07-26-2022, 10:16 AM
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Hi, ToughChoices. I always enjoy reading your posts. You have come a long way and I hope you are proud of that. As far as a graceful way to say what you want to say, how about just explaining it to him the way you explained it to us? It is the honest truth. You are still early in recovery and going back to a job where you could be tempted to return to old habits, would be a mistake. Protecting your sobriety is the most important thing right now. From what you have said, he is a very compassionate and forgiving person, so I'm sure he would understand where you are coming from.
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Old 07-26-2022, 10:18 AM
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That's super inspiring TC that you went back to make amends. Good Work!
. It's very decent of your old boss to be forgiving and offering old job back.
I agree with you tho, that it's not the right fit for you.
Certainly for the foreseeable future if ever.
I don't think that your old boss would be insulted by declining the job offer.
Frankly he would probably have quite a bit of newfound respect for you.
Good show on your part!
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Old 07-26-2022, 10:23 AM
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I agree with Suki, TC. Just tell him you don't think it's a good idea, thank him, and you've done the right thing.

I had a friend who was an anesthesiologist who was about to get arrested for theft of anesthesia (and other) drugs from the hopsital. The police gave him a heads-up as a respected hospital doctor so he could tell his family and tie up loose ends but instead he committed suicide.

I tell you that just as a warning that you (probably) don't need. Sometimes other people give us the Grace that can kill us. They cannot and do not understand the underpinnings of shame we carry as addicts.

I hope you find a more fitting profession, if you want to continue to work.
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Old 07-26-2022, 11:24 AM
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I'm glad you know that this is not a good idea, at least not in the short term. If it was me, I'd say 'no' but I'd tend to over-explain and get lost in words. Bim's advice to say 'Thanks, but it's not a good idea', end of story, is a very good one. I do believe he will understand.
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Old 07-26-2022, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post

I tell you that just as a warning that you (probably) don't need. Sometimes other people give us the Grace that can kill us. They cannot and do not understand the underpinnings of shame we carry as addicts.

I hope you find a more fitting profession, if you want to continue to work.
Thanks for this, Bimini. He is definitely the kind of guy who could “grace me to death.” Even after all of this, he trusts me more than I trust myself, and that’s not healthy.

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, but I’m glad that you shared the story. I honestly thought I might die from shame when my drug use came to light the first time. If I was given a second chance and messed THAT up, I can clearly imagine the shame being literally fatal.

For now, I’ll stay put in my little, tidy, kid-filled house with my little, peaceful, AA-filled life. There are lots of non-dispensing pharmacy positions, if I decide to stay in the same field as I progress in my recovery.

It is not selfish to be kind and honest.
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Old 07-26-2022, 02:15 PM
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There are also a lot of jobs that are tangential to pharmacy dispensing - I work in one of them as a software analyst. It's nice because my customers and I both benefit from my knowledge - because I can speak their language, I am able to be a lot of help to them. There's also consulting and insurance and all kinds of other work for which you are eminently qualified if you want to stay in the field.

On the other hand, I have a friend who was busted for his illicit drug use and returned after a time to his job as a dispensing pharmacist. He was scheduled for weekly drug tests for a good long time, and is still called in for random tests. I don't know how reassuring that would be for you, but I do know it was a great safety net for my friend.

Your former boss sounds like an awesome human being. I don't think he would be offended at all if you just told him the straight up truth.

O
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Old 07-26-2022, 03:16 PM
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Congrats on the amends TC

Suki and Bim make great suggestions.
We have to do what we know is right good and authentic for our sober selves, and someday, hopefully, learn we don't have to apologise for that

D
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Old 07-27-2022, 07:24 AM
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Love Suki s answer! Good to come out clean and provide him clear details as to why taking the offer will not be a good idea.
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Old 07-27-2022, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by ToughChoices View Post
He told me I was a huge asset and he missed me. He said that he wondered if the company would ever run as well as it had when I was there. And he asked me to keep an open mind about my future there.
5 months is something to be very proud of.
He's asking for you to keep an open mind in the FUTURE, not now.

I'd imagine (or hope) that if you were to say "we'll see how I feel in another 5 months" that he would say you wouldn't be touching any controls.

I'm certain that people can return and work at places where their addiction/struggle began and ended. If I enjoyed 90% of the job, the 10% (drugs) would only matter if I didn't feel confident with having long term sobriety.

eh, just throwing this out there.
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