Update: I found out yesterday that my EXAH’s cause of death was a cocaine overdose. I was kind of shocked as his drug of choice was always opiates. I guess as his addiction advanced….he was willing to use anything to get high. I am assuming he was now smoking crack?!? (I was told that it was suspected). He was also losing very large amounts of money at the casinos and drinking a lot of Jim Beam. I have never known him to drink whiskey at all. His partner told me that in hindsight - the last few months he “amped up” on every thing, like he was rushing to his death.
I can’t help but wonder….did he have any moments of clarity anymore?!? What did he think when he looked in the mirror?!? He knew where to get help, he just refused to reach for it. I feel so angry at him right now yet I still feel some compassion. I know the anger will go away but I don’t think the sadness…sadness for his kids, sadness for his choices, and sadness for his life….will ever really go away.
May He RIP.