LoveMeNow

I knew it was coming....I expected it for a long time.

Early this morning, my daughter called me and I heard those dreaded words. "Dad died this morning. They think it was an overdose."

I had not spoken to him in over a year and a half. In fact, I had blocked his number. I had long since forgiven him, got closure and just needed to go no contact again for my sanity. And that was that until today.

I truly loved the man he once was, the man I married and the once beautiful life we had together. My heart is so broken for how he continued to spiral downward. Addiction won again. May he finally RIP.

Caramel

Kind thoughts to you and your family.
Peace and courage to you.

Dee74

I’m so sorry for your loss LMN.

D

dandylion

LoveMeNow....my heart is going out to you and your daughter. I hope you can get some comfort from knowing that he is no longer suffering.

Bute

Very sorry to read of your loss. Nothing can take the memories you have, of happier times.
Thinking of you
Much Love
Bute x

sevenofnine

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. You have worked really hard to build what you can (and you should feel proud of what you accomplished!). But here this comes, once again your addict has crashed in, and this time more painfully than ever. You must be feeling so many feelings! It is so complicated.

it is too soon for me to try to put a positive spin on things. This is a **** dessert after a many course meal of ****. And i am sorry for that.

PeacefulWater12

Very sorry for your loss. Indeed, may he finally rest in peace.

Free2bme888

Prayers to you and the family. Addiction sucks.

Anaya

LMN: My prayers also for you and your family. May he rest in peace.

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry, LoveMeNow.

edoering

I am so, so sorry.

LoveMeNow

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words.

I joined here 10 years ago. A friend recommended it to me. I was so naive about addiction. She was trying to tell me gently, but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I came here and, boy, were my eyes opened. I will never forget the day I realized he has was a drug addict. I sat in my chair in a state of shock. I was so full of fear.

I tried hard to save him, all while losing myself. I prayed and prayed that we would have the happy outcome. That we would be the exception. He started attending NA twice a day, tried suboxone, tried Vivitrol, and naltrexone pills. I know he tried! By the time I realized what way going on, his addiction was pretty advanced. As he put it, he just wasn't done. Sadly, that time never came.

I am still in shock how much he spiraled down over the years. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. His addiction robbed him of his dignity, self respect, his family and his life. Just so heartbreaking!!

HardLessons

Im sorry LMN it is all shocking please take care

Vale

I'm so sorry, LMN.

LoveMeNow

Wow, well look what the cat dragged in! Hello Vale, its been a long time!! Hope all is well with you and the family.
We started this journey over 10 years ago and sadly, I remember you getting the dreaded call a lot sooner. Whoever said....
untreated addiction is progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death - knew what they were talking about. It's been a long painful journey for so many. May they RIP.

Good to see you again, Vale.

LoveMeNow

It's been a very painful week for me after learning about my exah death. As I relived the memories of my past, the roller coaster of our life together, I remembered the saying......there is no peace in the past and how true that was.

I worked hard on forgiving him but it seems I have more work to do on forgiving myself. The same questions came up over and over again as my mind replayed so many awful memories. Why would you ever let someone treat you that way?? What were you thinking?? Why didn't you leave sooner? How could you not know what was going on? The how's and whys opened up a floodgate of emotions. I feel sorry for the person I once was. So blind, no naïve, so lost and confused, so beat down.....and the list goes on.

I am trying to use those questions and memories to measure the person I am today. How far I have come and how much I have changed. But reliving the past has been very difficult for me and so triggering. I never expected all these emotions to come flooding back. Sadly, for me, his legacy is one of pain and sorrow. Now, I will have to work deeper on forgiving myself. Doesn't it ever end, lol?

Vale

Hi LMN………it’s what cats DO. I lurk every 2 yrs or so. I would not post save for your loss. Everything going well, retiring soon. Zero interface anymore with this baffling brain faulty feedback loop syndrome. I did see Ann passed——what a sweet caring loving soul. I hope all is well with you as well.

LoveMeNow

Ann’s passing was quit a shock. Although we stayed in touch, she never let on how sick she was. She was a very special lady who helped so many. She will be truly missed!

I, too, stay clear of any kind of active addiction. Vale, we learned the hard way, we were no match for it!

My prayers go out to all those who still suffer in addiction or with a loved one.

sevenofnine

You had a different name way back when, at first, right? I remember reading lots of your posts-- it has been around the same ampunt of time for me on here.

I don't know if i have made much progress forgiving anyone. I worry it keeps me chained to it all.

But despite my desire to just move past it all, I absolutely feel those questions a lot too. It's hard to not think "what if i had just called the cops/told that friend/believed my xAh was a ****** the first time my xah ****** things up/seen a lawyer/broken up/etc."

And the more i dig, the more i find deeper issues *I* have that led me to a place where I stayed and continued to hide it like a secret. In my case, my emotionally neglectful parents played a huge role in me being such a broken young adult and this has opened up a whole other area of trauma I am learning I need to recover from. Sometimes we are just swimming in it so much we can't even see the water.

It is also really hard to have the wound you have been trying to heal for 10 years ripped open and that flood of emotions comes back. I felt that last year when my xah relapsed for the first time in 6 years, bringing up all the stuff i had begun to not think about much anymore. Right back to the pit in my stomach, vomiting, shaking, sleeplessness and disorienting worry. Luckily i that time i had someone else to support me, my new partner helped me hold things together and that was so much less scary that way. I really hope you also have people around you now who can provide the support you didnt get in the past.

Have you seen the netflix show "maid"? (trigger warning for the show-so raw and vividly real the way it depicts domestic violence and addiction and the swirl of chaos that arises) I really liked how they showed the main character making choices that are objectively bad, like how we look back and say "why didnt i see the problem?!?" But the show it sympathetically to how the character is at each point really just making a totaly reasonable and logical decision given their circumstances.

We didnt do then what we would do now because we have grown. And that is so wonderful. We were in such dark places when we arrived here that it seemed like there wasnt anything else. Don't you think ten years ago you would be pretty proud of how much you have grown since then? And hopefully we will continue to grow and will look back on this in another ten years and see we have grown. It would only be if you *hadn't* grown as a person that you could look back and think there was nothing better you could have done back then.


So I like your framing it like 'time to focus on forgiving myself'. Let's have that as the goal for when we both look back in 10 years

interrupted

I don't often visit here anymore but I stopped in from a hospital lobby after visiting family (yes, related to my story here) and this was the first post I saw. You were a friend of mine on here also all those years ago. I can't even believe it's been that long. I had to log in to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's a call we're all braced for but I don't think we can really understand or know how it will land when the time comes. I wish you comfort and ease, friend. ❤️