3 years - Identifying the tricks
I would like to write something really deep or beautiful or meaningful to convey my gratitude to the community here and to contribute to someone else's sobriety. The truth is others do that much better around here and I can only share what worked with me, in case it helps someone getting out of the horrible dark place alcohol can takes us to.
My life has been much better but nothing dramatic happened during my alcohol years so nothing very visible can be reported either. I quit when everything was falling apart but beore it became fully apparent to others. I have great discipline & managed to keep repeating the same behaviours that allowed me to keep my kids fed, my house clean, my job done on autopilot. All this despite the anxiety, the palpitations and the passing out everynight before the 3 am awakening to the horrors of the new promises of not drinking I knew I was not going to keep and as prelude to the hangover to battle through until the next drink.
One morning, on a 7th July 3 years ago, the anxiety and the palpitations were so brutal at 7 am I realised I had to drink to stop it. I had to accept I needed to drink at 7 am to stop the withdrawal. Or... I could quit. I took seriously the obvious truth that you cannot expect different results from the same actions. The thing I was not willing to do ever was honesty. I could not face telling my husband I have been drinking daily every night and passing out for years. The shame! So I sent a text to him explaining it all and then went to my doctor. The doctor treated me horribly but it did not matter because the bigger step, the coming out wiht the truth, the only thing I was not willing to do to become sober, was taken.
The first week was horrible, mainly due to auditory hallucinations and the anxiety. I spent my day here, did the 30 days alcohol experiment on-line religiously, read/listen other books and did 30 minutes daily of CBT with a 'CBT for dummies' book. It has taken me years to sleep well but I have never slept so well as now. It took months to notice significant improvements in my anxiety. My marriage was disentegrating and I had no energy to fix it either but it has been fixed eventually.
I was going down a massive hill at tremendousl speed. When I quit drinking, the downhill trajectory immediately stopped but it has taken a lot of time and work to have the kind of life I thought would happen within weeks. Like people who put on massive amount of weight over years and then want a fast diet that will sort it out in 2 weeks and leave them toned and strong instead of accepting the necessity of years of good nutrition and hanging skin.
I like myself quite a lot now and I am patient with myself too. I know I can improve much more and look forward to it. My resting heart beat per minute was about 80 (even more) when I quit (so scary to even think of it). Now it is around 50-55. I celebrated my three years going for a run and making pancakes for the family .
It may take time to feel big improvements but every day, from day 1, even with withdrawals was better than a drinking day. Being in the right trajectory matters much more than any milestone.
Thank you all, especially Dee, for all the support.