Tomorrow
It's day 7 off alcohol. Week has been a bit blah. I just can't find the motivation/discipline to make the necessary changes. But I suppose I have to. I should either kill myself or make a go of life. I'm in limbo now. I've really been in limbo since my last job not including my brief stint in McDonald's which ended with me going on a bender and not telling them I quit.
My mental state is bad. I hope that's the case at least. I know the hallucinations aren't real, but I don't know if I'm delusional/paranoid or being gamgstalked. I'm leaning towards the latter. Which is incredibly lonely because naturally everyone dismisses it as psychosis. I'm horribly depressed but I feed into that. Not exercising enough, not enough sunlight, not enough socialising, bad sleep hygiene etc etc I take my pills, that's about it. When I'm sober I'm either starving myself or binge and sometimes purging. I'm a healthy weight right now (though on the high end). I should lose weight the healthy way, why invite the misery of an ED into my life? Anxiety's a whole other mess. I don't leave the house after the early morning unless I'm already drunk.
If I'm not going to build a sober life I'm happy with, the bottle will always hold an allure.
It's almost my bedtime, so just going to brush my teeth, moisturise, take my pills and drift off to The Upward Spiral audiobook.
Tomorrow can be the first day of my new life. I'll try and make something of the day, whatever that looks like. Housework, exercise, maybe make a few appointments I'd been putting off.
I woke up this morning and it was just a countdown til I could buy alcohol. The time came and I didn't. But I really need to busy myself.