I was actually surprised that you think the AV is priming me for a drinking spree. I'd be lying if I said there's not a part of me that finds the idea appealing. Let's be honest, a big part. The actual thought of F-it hasn't landed yet though.
There's this part in the big book that I wondered about for a long time. It says something like, 'once I pick up a drink again, I'll go through the well-known stages of a spree.' Until I get back to the point where I promise not to do it again.
I always wondered what that meant. I mean what are the well known stages? I finally figured that it must be different for everyone. I know what my well known stages look like. I start at annoyed and uncomfortable. From there I move into planning to drink.
Since drinking still sounds appealing its hard for me to say right now that I won't drink ever again. I tell myself that if I want to I can quit forever, since I've learned the tools. But that leaves the door open. I've said never ever ever many times and obviously not pulled it off. Those two ideas obviously don't match up well.
I would have to prove that I can quit forever by not drinking ever again. Ugh.
I can definitely focus on changing the expectations. That seems like the best thing right now. I was feeling good but now life has lost its color it seems.
I'm like...ok. what's next?
A whole bunch of stressful stuff I don't wanna do, with nothing to take the edge off. Lovely.
I want to keep pushing through to see what happens, so I'll try to just get through the now. Not drinking this past weekend is a definite win.