Oh, don't be disheartened, Five. There's a whole world of 'better' waiting for you.
So there are a number of ways of "dealing with" or "processing" emotions from those long ago hurts. Somehow, I was under the impression that would need to be something along the lines of direct confrontation with the experiences, or the person(s) or the emotions I felt at the time. After my most recent crash and subsequent disappointment with New Gal, I've been rethinking. Perhaps it's ok to leave that stuff in the metaphorical box. After all, it held me in good stead to do that for over two years. Why couldn't that continue to be the case?
I do believe it's important to understand my reactions to situations or people's behavior, but I kind of think now that's really the crux of the matter. "Of course that person shutting me out is intensely painful - after all, that's the story of my youth. It feels aggressive and as if I'm being punished for being myself. Just like being shunned and bullied in grade school." Once I can see the connection and accept that reality, I am able to reassure myself. "That's ok, I'm grown now. I can figure out how to handle this situation." Sometimes that means I do nothing, other times it means I do something non-aggressive and non-spiteful to assert myself with that person.
One of the many things I learned most recently is that I need to be extremely mindful when I'm ready to jump into a change to "make things better" for myself. The front part of my brain is all gung-ho sometimes, but there's a deeper part in my brain that gets completely freaked out by that. I can't just keep shushing that part of myself that feels vulnerable. To do so is to invite disaster. It's tricky because I'm not necessarily even aware when this is happening. But I think just knowing its a thing for me is a good discovery.
I'm really glad you didn't drink Friday, Five. Just keep doing that. It gets better.
O