Yes O I can definitely relate. I think I've read your post 15 or 20 times and I relate to all of it. It's upsetting to think that I'm not going to be able to just drop the issues from my past and walk away clean. That I might have to deal with or process all of those emotions to escape the instinctive reactions.
It was a tough day yesterday. Friday again, very stressful. Work stuff mostly. My AV went into overdrive in the afternoon. I almost gave in honestly. Not wanting to come here and admit that I drank saved me.