Dreamutopia,
Welcome! I loved your honesty in your post. Believe it or not, as you ask for help and look for help, you are also helping at the same time. It helps others to read your story and in turn identify the same patterns, feelings and emotions within themselves. Because of the courage you show by being honest, you help others like me to also look at ourselves and be honest as well along with you.
You are not alone and this board is a great place to come and find support and encouragement and pats on the back, that sometimes you swear you really can feel!
I truly believe you felt a presence, some would believe it was the strength of yourself speaking or God, whatever it is, it brought you here and you have made a step and a decision and I am happy to be sharing this board with you.
Thanks again for your honesty.