When does the house of cards fall?
Hello all. First time member here, but after many nights of online searching, it seems I've found a community of others with similar experiences with their loved ones.
My spouse of 5+ years has been a social drinker and weed user as long as I've known him (over 10 years). He gave up weed for many years because of his job and has recently picked it back up socially, but never took a break from drinking - primarily in social situations.
When we met freshly out of college, he would get belligerent and make very poor choices, but as he got older, he rarely got to that level. However, the drinking and the tolerance got notably heavier in the last few years.. Not uncommon - nightly bottles of wine. Cases of beer. Handles of liquor. Sometimes combinations of each of these daily (weeknights and all day on weekends, holidays, etc.)
I've been vocal about my concerns about our future with these habits so prevalent and how they've affected our communication, marriage, and more. He sees truly no issue with it for multiple reasons: 1) He is physically fit and exercises early in the mornings multiple times per week. 2) He holds a great job with a great income. 3) He is professional, responsible with money, mature, and a great/responsible pet owner. 4) His parents and siblings drink in the same manner and they are also successful and 'happy' by all outside accounts.
However, it has demolished our relationship, intimacy, communication, and he has been unpredictably cold and moody to me for years now. He rarely engages with other friends or activities.
I wonder, daily, if I am just overly-sensitive since I drink very rarely - just isn't my thing. But when I see how it has controlled his life and decisions, I think my assessment of his alcoholism is accurate. (We are now separated and he is choosing to stay with family members who he drinks with daily even though he is very capable and financially stable to get his own space). He says that he will not allow me to bully or control him into changing his habits on the timeline I see fit, and that I knew who he was from the beginning (back when we were 21 & 23) so he doesn't see a future for our marriage if I can't accept that.
I suppose all this background is to say - is this a common theme in high-functioning alcoholism? Highly successful? No financial, legal or health implications? Doesn't drink during the day? Seeming to be holding everything together while still engaging in a daily "happy hour" with his family that runs from 5 - 11 PM each night? Life is going great for him, so why would he see a reason to change? Does the house of cards ever actually fall?
I am so sad to see a decade-long relationship end this way.. I feel like I'm being gaslit by him (and his family at times) to believe that it's me who is the problem and they are all just enjoying cocktail and life and I should get on board.
As I said, I question myself daily on if this is "real" alcoholism, but when it comes to my life, health, and the possibility of adding children, I have to take a hard look.
Thank you in advance for any shared experiences or feedback.