I have the same kind of story. I just figured it out here on the alanon board about 6 months ago. It was traumatic when the reality of wasting my whole life on "hope" hit me. It was a childhood survival method. Reality was so bad that I had to escape in fantacy. It probably saved my life to do so, but it also wasted all of my todays. That kind of unrealistic hope is the opposite of acceptance. I finally reached a point where I could accept reality and was able to let that hope go. I am so much happier living in today, only, now and taking it for what it is and not adding anything to it. It's content that way. There is a difference between goals and unrealistic hope and fantacy.
Acceptance is the key and can be very painful at first.
Hugs,
MG