Originally Posted by
PeacefulWater12 
I very much agree that the test is a bad idea.
Firstly he will obviously pull stunts to get a clean result because that is what addicts do but, more impactful on you, is that then it makes YOU the drugs police. You become the enemy for him to push against. To blame and make it all your fault. Urgh, exhausting rubbish.
Al-anon would be worth a try, also the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a real eye opener for those of us attracted to this type of relationship. I had to work to change myself or I would have just left one drinker/addict and found myself another!
There is no need for the test now as we had a chat last night and he has been honest and admitted he did smoke weed. He said it was just once which I believe because he normally gets really dark circles under his eyes and he looks pretty healthy at the mo - despite the heart failure!
I have co-dependent no more so will give it a read. I honestly don't think I am attracted to addicts or am co-dependent and am also interested in a book I saw in secular recovery (beyond addiction) to take a balance approach, BUT I have had a lot of abusive relationships (and an abusive childhood) in the past and recognise that my tolerance for abuse is higher than it should be. This partner is not abusive or controlling and I think this has blinded me to the drug stuff and made me tolerate more than I should have.
I have asked for absolute honesty from my partner. He has apologised and said he didn't realise how much it has impacted me. Actions speak louder than words though so we shall see. If he doesn't access support when he needs it and uses instead I will be taking a step back and leaving if I need to.