Heart failure and cannabis

Old 03-07-2022, 03:54 AM
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Heart failure and cannabis

Hi everyone, this is my first post here and forgive me if it is a little long. I am in recovery myself and have been sober 10 years.
A year or two into my recovery I met my partner and he doesn't drink. He told me he used to smoke weed but stopped that too. Turns out that wasn't true. He carried on smoking weed (never much around me, even when we lived together) and he used to do the odd acid binge. He moved away for work and I found out after he left that he was attempting a geographical cure because he had been doing a lot of coke and wanted to get away from his dealer. I was naturally really angry about this because I had always been hoping he would give up drugs because he acknowledged they weren't good for him so to do something worse...
When he was working away he admitted to doing speed a few times but said no coke. Fast forward to this year and he goes into hospital with heart failure. Turns out during the pandemic when he couldn't work (and moaning about how bored he was all the time) he was doing A LOT of speed. He is out now and sweared he wasn't going to use drugs again. I tried to talk to him about options for support because I knew this would be hard for him but he doesn't acknowledge this.
I stayed with him for a few weeks and he seemed to be doing really well, then I went home for a week and came back and his flat stank of weed. He swears it wasn't him and a friend had smoked a joint in there but naturally I thought it was him because it was the smell was so strong. We have gone back and forth over the last few days and I think I do believe him now - normally he gets really dark circles under his eyes when he smokes weed and he doesn't now - but I am not sure if I am just being a mug.
Doc made it very clear that cannabis is bad for his heart. I have been doing a lot to help him and feel like a mug if he just lets me and just carries on doing drugs behind my back. I know the difference between acknowledging you have a problem and really accepting it from my own experience and want to give him the chance but it has been years of him lying about drugs and I really don't know if I should trust him. He offered to do a drug test which I may ask him to do - but not sure if I should just be trusting his word. I would appreciate any thoughts.
*For context everything else on our relationship is great and the drugs has always been a side issue which didn't come up much because he didn't really do them around me, but I know from my own experience how much addiction affects every part of your life.
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Old 03-07-2022, 05:27 AM
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Being sober for 10 years is an amazing achievement and shows such strength of purpose, so well done on that!

However reading your post I just cant understand why you are with this guy, he has really serious issues with addiction that are not going to go away easily. If he is serious about a relationship he will need to decide for himself that he needs to clean up, you will not be able to persuade him to do it. Be careful about wasting too much time on him, or trusting him, for as we all know, addicts can be very untrustworthy.
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Old 03-07-2022, 07:29 AM
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Firstly big congrats on ten years sober. That's huge.

Your question about whether you should trust him? What is your gut instinct telling you?

I encourage you to step back and decide what you would like in life and whether his behaviour is compatible with that.

Glad you posted and expressed your thoughts.
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Old 03-07-2022, 08:25 AM
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Good job on 10 years sober!

Sadly addicts lie and minimize. And for what ever reason many don't consider pot a drug like cocaine. Pot is not the harmless drug or substitute many want to think it is and has other issues besides heart problems. And I've witnessed pot not mellow people out and put them in a nasty mood.

I just saw some study results on pot which include increased stroke risk.

https://www.webmd.com/stroke/news/20...curring-stroke

If he was using pot he might have laced it with something or given something he didn't know was in it. And previous drug abuse has cumulative side effects that don't show up right away.

Hopefully it was just nature. Stay healthy yourself

Good Luck
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Old 03-07-2022, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by dustyfox View Post
Being sober for 10 years is an amazing achievement and shows such strength of purpose, so well done on that!

However reading your post I just cant understand why you are with this guy, he has really serious issues with addiction that are not going to go away easily. If he is serious about a relationship he will need to decide for himself that he needs to clean up, you will not be able to persuade him to do it. Be careful about wasting too much time on him, or trusting him, for as we all know, addicts can be very untrustworthy.
I think I should have gave him an ultimatum a long time ago and am not sure why I am still here. I think because of my own experience I wanted to give him a chance but also other than the drugs the relationship is really good. We get on great and he is a good person. I have had some really subtly abusive relationships and it is rare to meet someone who honestly doesn't try to change me or control my life. I don't want to abandon him now he is really ill but I have been clear I am not sticking around if he is still using. The question is do I make him do a test or not? I feel like it is my only option to really know for sure... Once I do I won't be wasting time on him and if I am wrong, I will feel bad for not trusting him but I feel like it my only option...
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Old 03-07-2022, 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 View Post
Firstly big congrats on ten years sober. That's huge.

Your question about whether you should trust him? What is your gut instinct telling you?

I encourage you to step back and decide what you would like in life and whether his behaviour is compatible with that.

Glad you posted and expressed your thoughts.
Thank you. My gut is telling me he is lying but I go back and forth. I have read a lot of the stickies and seeing some red flags. He honestly does not seem to think he will struggle and I can relate to him thinking he is invincible because he feels better physically. I want to trust him but don't see how I can hence the question about the test. It is very hard to have a serious conversation with him because he makes everything into a joke. It is actually one of the things I like about him because we have had a drama free relationship but this is really serious.
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Old 03-07-2022, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by thequest View Post
Good job on 10 years sober!

Sadly addicts lie and minimize. And for what ever reason many don't consider pot a drug like cocaine. Pot is not the harmless drug or substitute many want to think it is and has other issues besides heart problems. And I've witnessed pot not mellow people out and put them in a nasty mood.

I just saw some study results on pot which include increased stroke risk.

https://www.webmd.com/stroke/news/20...curring-stroke

If he was using pot he might have laced it with something or given something he didn't know was in it. And previous drug abuse has cumulative side effects that don't show up right away.

Hopefully it was just nature. Stay healthy yourself

Good Luck
Thanks for the study. I actually think he may already have had a minor stoke years ago but docs never even tested him because of his age. He is 34. The docs have been very clear that his drug use is a major contributing cause to his heart failure. There is probably a genetic component and possibly viral too but if he doesn't stop he is at massive risk of a heart attack.
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Old 03-07-2022, 02:21 PM
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Hi Hypo

if there's coke and meth in his past then they'd be a major factor in his heart health too, but thats off the topic a little.

I'm not sure a drug test would be proof either way. I have musician acquaintances who don't smoke a few days before a work drug test and pass.

If it was positive he'd probably claim second hand smoke.

I'm sorry but if you're not sure you can trust him the answer is usually no?

D
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Old 03-07-2022, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Hypo

if there's coke and meth in his past then they'd be a major factor in his heart health too, but thats off the topic a little.

I'm not sure a drug test would be proof either way. I have musician acquaintances who don't smoke a few days before a work drug test and pass.

If it was positive he'd probably claim second hand smoke.

I'm sorry but if you're not sure you can trust him the answer is usually no?

D
Hi Dee ❤️

No Meth (prob just because it is not really a UK thing) but plenty of coke.
​​​​​​​I think I need to do a bit of work on myself on this one. I may go to a few Al anon meetings. I have been reading around a bit and think the test is a bad idea now and I will need to prioritise myself.
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Old 03-07-2022, 03:33 PM
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sorry 'speed' is 'meth' here in Australia.

D
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Old 03-07-2022, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
sorry 'speed' is 'meth' here in Australia.

D
Oops 😂 here speed is amphetamines
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Old 03-08-2022, 03:45 PM
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Just like you will not be able to persuade him to stop his drug taking, only you will know when it's time to call a stop to this relationship.
I wasted a long time on a man who took drugs and thought life was just one long party - I am not with him now thank god, and I do literally 'thank god' I found the strength to move on. I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you.
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Old 03-08-2022, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by hypochondriac View Post

I have been reading around a bit and think the test is a bad idea now and I will need to prioritise myself.
I very much agree that the test is a bad idea.

Firstly he will obviously pull stunts to get a clean result because that is what addicts do but, more impactful on you, is that then it makes YOU the drugs police. You become the enemy for him to push against. To blame and make it all your fault. Urgh, exhausting rubbish.

Al-anon would be worth a try, also the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a real eye opener for those of us attracted to this type of relationship. I had to work to change myself or I would have just left one drinker/addict and found myself another!
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Old 03-09-2022, 03:26 AM
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Originally Posted by dustyfox View Post
Just like you will not be able to persuade him to stop his drug taking, only you will know when it's time to call a stop to this relationship.
I wasted a long time on a man who took drugs and thought life was just one long party - I am not with him now thank god, and I do literally 'thank god' I found the strength to move on. I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you.
Thank you for your reply. I think I have given him plenty of chances. I have made it very clear that if he continues to use I and more importantly lie about it I will be leaving. It is so hard because he is very unwell and I do love him but I have to prioritise myself. He isn't a bad person and I don't think he realises that addiction has turned him into a liar and manipulative. I feel like I need to give him the opportunity to try but I will be very clear about my boundaries and he has to be accessing support if he is struggling. He has some way to go before admitting this to himself.
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Old 03-09-2022, 03:36 AM
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 View Post
I very much agree that the test is a bad idea.

Firstly he will obviously pull stunts to get a clean result because that is what addicts do but, more impactful on you, is that then it makes YOU the drugs police. You become the enemy for him to push against. To blame and make it all your fault. Urgh, exhausting rubbish.

Al-anon would be worth a try, also the book "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a real eye opener for those of us attracted to this type of relationship. I had to work to change myself or I would have just left one drinker/addict and found myself another!
There is no need for the test now as we had a chat last night and he has been honest and admitted he did smoke weed. He said it was just once which I believe because he normally gets really dark circles under his eyes and he looks pretty healthy at the mo - despite the heart failure!

I have co-dependent no more so will give it a read. I honestly don't think I am attracted to addicts or am co-dependent and am also interested in a book I saw in secular recovery (beyond addiction) to take a balance approach, BUT I have had a lot of abusive relationships (and an abusive childhood) in the past and recognise that my tolerance for abuse is higher than it should be. This partner is not abusive or controlling and I think this has blinded me to the drug stuff and made me tolerate more than I should have.

I have asked for absolute honesty from my partner. He has apologised and said he didn't realise how much it has impacted me. Actions speak louder than words though so we shall see. If he doesn't access support when he needs it and uses instead I will be taking a step back and leaving if I need to.
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Old 03-09-2022, 08:54 AM
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I feel codependent is a really misunderstood word! I really enjoyed Pia Mellody’s “Facing Codependence” because it helped me realize the many different ways these patterns can express themselves (antidependence, for instance) and where they come from (which includes a variety of unstable childhoods, including from narcissistic parents or abusive parents or even simply parents with codependent patterns themselves from their own childhood traumas).

One of the best things someone shared with me here, is even if I am not codependent as a person, my relationship with someone in active addiction will become codependent in dynamic at some point. (Now, when my AXH was in recovery this was not the case, but when he was in active addiction, it definitely became true for us briefly!)
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