Originally Posted by
Tetrax 
I just want to say I've loved reading your posts: you express yourself so well and I just see so much of myself in your story. I'm only a tad younger but unemployed and fearful of going back to work for there just to be more drama, as well as not having clue what I'm even capable of at this point. I too like to write and play music but I'm most motivated when drunk and it comes out sloppy (upon revisiting). And I too struggle to see a point moving forwards sometimes when there's never been much success in life, and excruciating amounts of anxiety... I'm on Day 2 but have been round the recovery block a bit. I really want to make this stick. Anyway, keep up the good work
Thanks so much Tetrax for your kind words. Nice to know there are fellow souls out there. I am actually back to Day 0.5 now, I broke yesterday and drank 2 bottles of wine again, so silly. I got caught in a bind in the afternoon, felt like I didn't care and so went out got some wine and went roaming. The thing is I didn't even really enjoy it and then my folks knew I'm sure when I came back in the house in the evening. Had half a bottle earlier today but it was disgusting and I threw the rest away. Been trying to drink tons of water and get vitamins into me today and walked for about 10 miles to wear myself out so I can actually sleep tonight (I have terrible trouble always on the first couple of days). I want to etch this into my mind so I can remind myself its not worth it. I feel terrible. I have never really managed to shake my existential crisis if I'm honest, life not feeling worth it etc. That decision still isn't made in my mind if I'm honest. It's like I can see how my life lead me up to this point. You can only pretend so long I suppose and then the cracks get bigger and its all unsustainable. I disgust myself but I'm still not really sure what to do next. I have to stay clean. I am wondering if I should perhaps get some anti-anxiety medication to help stop me thinking I need to reach for the booze. I will perhaps try and speak with my doc next week, but wonder if that will just be another dependency and don't want to dumb myself out too much. Crazy times for me right now. I never thought I would be here in this situation but then I feel like perhaps I have had my head in the clouds for so long it was inevitable. Anyway, I stopped drinking again which is the first thing.