AndraMan

Hello to everyone here and thank you so much if you've taken the time to read this. I decided to come here because I feel I need some accountability in my planned journey into sobriety (once again...) outside of my own ridiculous head and don't want to admit the full extent of my situation to my loved ones.
I have been strongly psychologically addicted to alcohol my entire adult life (I'm now 41) and have slowly felt it rot me from the inside. I now have alcoholic neuropathy and stomach issues. Last time I had a liver test it was ok but that was several years back. I did feel the neuropathy clear to some extent last time I gave up though. I also get horribly addicted to cannabis whenever I'm on it (currently escaped) and still have problems with bingeing on rubbish food. I am a massive victim of the whole 'just one more' philosophy. I keep giving up and relapsing and currently hide my drinking (somewhat imperfectly I sense) from my family. Tomorrow's always the day I will sort my life out. I think my main issue is that I never really felt life made any sense and never really believed in it as people are so contradictory (including myself) so I always wanted the escapism. I felt like maybe I just gave up on life a long time ago, or perhaps never really got started.
I am my own worst enemy. I have always been a secretive person and it was 'my little thing': sneaking drinks in and out of the house whenever I lived with others, being stoned and trying to act normal etc. I feel like it gets harder as you get older and your brain and body doesn't recover as fast. None of it does what it used to so you need more etc. Familiar story I'm sure.
I feel like I am being dragged along in some kind of sick play by this person inside of myself who doesn't care. My real issue is that I never knew who or how to be socially - all of it felt like an arbitrary choice to me (I am mildly autistic too it turns out) and so I pretended. People can see that I am not geniuine and then react to that. I continue to hate myself inside because of these reactions, despite often I know it seems like the opposite from the outside, like I am confident and uncaring. All self-defence mechanisms built up over time to protect the scared child inside. Sometimes I just come across the scared child and then I seem even more ridiculous in contrast. I have spent most of my life just trying to get through the day so I can get back to sanctuary and then have a drink/smoke/both.
I ended up quitting my last job because I didn't stop smoking weed and drinking and the pressure was building with my performance slipping etc and I couldn't see a way out. I've now been 9 months unemployed living with my folks. Have turned down interviews because I keep finding reasons why it's not the right thing. I've actually quite my last 3 jobs with nothing else lined up because I couldn't handle it and didn't know 'how to be'. Just a junkie at heart. It's the only time I can ever really think clearly and have some kind of perspective. Real sober life is always so shrouded in anxiety, everything feels stressful all the time. It just never feels worthwhile and so I back down from doing things (especially those involving other people).
I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately and attempted it a couple times when younger but whenever I get deeper into the thought I know I don't have the courage to do it without a firearm (not so easy to get in the UK) because of high risk of failure. Plus feels premature and don't want to do that to my family. I'm a middle-class functional drunk who's slipping essentially.
There is a good part of me that wants to be better and change but I still don't know why. I don't know why it's worth it for me. I don't think it is about finding a partner for me. That has always felt like a world of stress I don't want. I am sure it isn't the right thing right now anyway. I've never wanted kids. I don't especially care about my own life and clearly have self-destructive tendencies. Finding some purpose outside of myself is clearly necessary but I honestly don't know what I am capable of and really struggle with decisions. More anxiety....back to the drink. Life is struggle, ok....but why? This is my issue, I never know why. I do have some artistic things which I enjoy half the time, writing, music but then you can't really expect to earn a living from that so it feels like you have to spend most of your life doing things you don't want to do, and for what? I know I am spoilt but I still feel it is a reasonable objection!
I managed to stop drinking for a couple of days recently. I ended up drinking a bottle of wine again today to 'carry me over' but planning on stopping again tomorrow. My levels aren't that bad perhaps (but still too much), been doing two bottles of white wine most days, still too much but obviously not way out there. Enough for a few decades of 'soft suicide', so time to get off the bus.
Anyway, any thoughts anyone has would be great, hope you're coping ok out there yourselves.

KAD65

Hi, and welcome, AndraMan. Do you want to get off the bus? That's going to have to be your first decision. I would caution against trying to overthink this thing. Addiction likes for us to be mentally confused because that usually means we'll get frustrated and give up trying to figure it out, and then go get drunk again. There is so much you've written that I can identify with in my own experience. I kept pushing my luck until I was a bit older than you are now and had lost everything but the roof over my head. Instead of quitting jobs on my own, I ended up getting fired for being drunk on the job, multiple times.

First things first, are you willing to commit to sobriety? You've said you're psychologically addicted - that's how it started for me, too - but do you think you have become physically dependent yet? If you have, I would advise medically supervised detox. It can be dangerous otherwise. Keep coming back here in any case. There is a lot of sober experience here on this forum.

Mummyto2

Hi, you have come to the right place for help and support, these guys are brilliant with bundles of wisdom and knowledge, can i just say alcohol caused me to have anxiety and suicidal thoughts, once you are sober for a period of time your life will mean something, you are worth it you just have to start telling yourself that, alcohol will never be your friend, and its always the first drink that starts us spiralling mentally and physically, stick around here for support and reach out to us when you need to, wishing you the best of luck.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, AndraMan; you have come to great place for understanding and support.

You have quite a bit going on right now, internally and externally, and it seems that it will take a while to be resolved and sorted out. I don’t have any magical solutions.

The one thing that I feel with almost 100% certainty is that sobriety and recovery would be a major step in the right direction. Sobriety and recovery can provide clarity and perspective which may very well help with the other personal issues with which you struggle.

Anxiety and alcohol tend to create a vicious cycle (we are anxious so we drink; drinking causes heightened anxiety - and so it goes over and over). Many alcoholics (I, among them) find that sobriety and recovery greatly reduces anxiety.

Maybe look into talking with a medical professional about your suicidal thoughts. As is said, it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I strongly suspect that you will find that living in recovery is exponentially better than living with alcoholism and addiction.

I encourage you to look around this site; you will find an abundance of information and support here.

Maybe join an SR Class.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-two.html

A new Class will start on March 1st.


Again, welcome, AndraMan.

Dee74

Hi and welcome AndraMan

Its a big decision to quit drinking - a great leap into the unknown - but I found the support here really helped.

It wasn’t easy to quit - I depended on booze (& weed) for almost everything - I could not go 3 days clean/sober, but I made my way forward day by day with the help of the folks here.

This year marks 15 years clean and sober for me, so if I can do it, anyone can

Why not check out our Class of February support thread?
It’s for everyone wanting to quit this month - all you need to do to join is post in it

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-two-10.html

Hevyn

Hello, AndraMan. It's so good to have you with us.
I felt lost & all alone until I found this place. Everyone understands how you're feeling - we've all been there. No one else in my life really knew what I was going through. You can talk freely here about your feelings as you get free. It helps so much with the anxiety to have friends who care. Congratulations for making this life saving decision.

dustyfox

Welcome Andraman - It's not easy to get to that point where you know it's time to stop. And yet the fact you posted here demonstrates that you do know it's time to stop. Next - made a decision to stop. Post here every day. All the other stuff, the anxiety, the health issues, they will slowly start to improve. You're 41 - a great time to begin a new chapter.

AndraMan

Thanks for your message KAD65, yes it's definitely a good question, do I want to get clean. I find I can be a clearer 'yes' in the early days because you still feel ill and washed up from the booze. It's when the stressors or the feelings of pointlessness/boredom kick in later that I find it harder. I'm sure many here must be similar in that I feel like it has almost defined me for decades, and it's not like it hasn't been without its fun along the way so it's always easy to feel like sobriety doesn't really 'suit' me. I feel alcohol has inspired me creatively a lot as well so that can be hard to part with. But the situation becomes more a medical problem in nature as time goes on and that definitely isn't fun. My memory is pretty awful too, I think partly as alcohol gets all tangled up with depression too. One big thing making me want to quit now is I don't want to be a useless vegetable that my family feel they have to look after. I know the road I'm going down with the drinking now is getting much darker. I just have to be ready to feel a bit rubbish for a while, not every day can be a good day after all.
I'm sober now today, that's what counts. Off to do some exercise and unpick some of that booze sluggishness for the 1000th time.

fishkiller

As someone who drank from early teens until 50yo I understand how you feel alcohol defines you. I Made it who I was. I spent 13 years as a growing human then the next 30 plus as an addict. So I have much more experience as an addict than as a sober person.
Always thought it would be that way. I was wrong.
Once I made the decision to Never drink again I immediately started to grow again. Slowly. I am still growing. Slowly.
Alcohol no longer defines me. It is Not who I am.
FREEDOM!

As far as alcohol helping us be creative that is plain old AV bs. I thought the same. I Need alcohol to relax and come up with the next great thing. I drink and these great ideas just come to me. BS.
Since I quit drinking my creativity has grown Way more than I could imagine. I am clear headed. How can we be more creative in a fog?
We can't and we aren't.

It takes a while to adjust. It's taking me quite a while. A little over 2 years and I still have a long way to go but I will continue forward. Drinking will only take me back to where I was when I came here broken and lost.

No Thanks

You can do it. It won't be nearly as bad as your AV tells you it will be.
As a matter of fact it will be the complete opposite. It is a Good Life.

AndraMan

Thanks everyone for all your great supportive messages! Really is quite a community. Day 1 today. It's weird for me, somehow Day 1 is often the easiest, I sometimes even feel slightly 'high' at points (last of the booze tailing off..?) It's Days 2 and 3 often harder when anxiety returns and mood drops but at least I can say I am well seasoned to this now, I know that's coming, just have to distract myself.
I read something a while back that said it's not giving up booze that's hard, it's life. I can definitely relate to that. Even though I know I have had many gifts in life I never really got comfortable with the responsibility of being a person. Like somone handing you the keys to a ten-tonne truck and saying get on with it even though you haven't a clue how to drive and no destination in mind. And then of course because I had no plan I let addictions define me in my younger years. The amount of times I've said "right, I'm teetotal from now" is a joke. I don't think my words mean that much to quite a lot of people anymore. I really do want to begin again with all this. It's the same with all drugs I've tried for me. Weed is actually the most problematic for me, I am literally on it every waking minute when I'm using it, thankful to have kicked that again a few weeks back. Got too fond of ecstasy, got silly with coke etc etc. I have tried moderation many a time and am clearly not cut out for it. I know for me it has to be full sobriety because once I get a taste of anything again the internal 'bargaining' begins and it all unravels again.
Anyway, thanks again to all for your support and allowing me to dump my thoughts here, it definitely helps!

Mummyto2

Brilliant that you have started Day 1, onwards and upwards.

KAD65

I hear this a lot, and it's something I often said, too. I'm a musician, or used to be, and I felt like I could really set the world on fire when I was lost in a drunken haze. Problem was, the more I drank, the less I actually created. I opted instead to listen to other people's music and lose myself in fantasies. I was a legend in my own mind.

I'm glad to hear you are sober today, and I hope you stay that way. Addiction will pull out all the stops to convince you that you can't live a fulfilling life without it. The exact opposite is the truth.

Surrendered19

So glad you are here AndraMan and welcome. You've got a ton going on in that head of yours and the main thing is the addicted part of your brain has convinced you that there is no future or hope, so why not keep drinking? It is a big lie.

41 is such a great age to quit. Your 40's and your 50's are brilliant decades and you can live them in health and peace. I drank until I was 54 and I can never get those years back and I have so much sorrow and regret about that. But you can stop now and live those amazing years in calm and quiet.

I'm sure your people know you are struggling. Us addicts think we're hiding and being all secret-agent-man but we're not. People know.

Come clean with at least your parents and anyone else you REALLY trust. The more people you know and trust and who love you who know what you are up against, the better. There is such built-in accountability and support there.

Have you give any thought to perhaps trying to find an AA meeting or some other type of in-person support? It can really help too.

I hope you stay here on SR. This place saved my life over 2 years ago and I never imagined how calm and peaceful life could be. You can have that too.

Anna

Welcome and good job on Day 1. You're off to a good start, and yes Day 2 and 3 will be challenging, but it will get easier and you will feel better. I wonder if you've ever talking to your doctor about depression? It sounds to me like you have a low mood and I know what that's like. I needed to get properly diagnosed and treated for depression before I could care enough to fight to be sober. And, of course, alcohol is a depressant.

I hope you decide to continue posting and reading here. You will find lots of support.

Hevyn

Congrats on Day 1, Andra.
I found it impossible to moderate too. I didn't want oblivion, I just wanted to feel more comfortable with my life & responsibilities. It took me too long to realize I was actually sabotaging myself by being numb a lot of the time. In an attempt to avoid stress & anxiety I caused myself twice as much of it.
Keep going - we are here to listen and help where we can.

Jo43

Hi Andraman.

Firstly congratulations on Day 1!

I used to drink to help my anxiety. Or I would tell myself that!! I now know that it actually made my anxiety even worse. I would be anxious whilst drinking still then my anxiety would be through the roof the next day. I found posting here and going to AA meetings really helpful. As i realised I was not on my own and I had people that understood how I felt and what I was going through. Any time you feel that you might give in then come on here. There is always someone about and the community here and friendships made have really saved me at times! There is a huge wealth of experience and knowledge here. Everyone will always be willing to talk and help. As each day passes it will get easier. Never take your eye off the ball though. I find keeping awareness and reminding myself daily that I will never take that first drink helps me to stay where I want to be. Which is sober for life xx

SoberLeigh

Well done on Day 1, AndraMan.

Dee has a great thread on the importance of a Sober Plan. I will try to find it and link it.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ght=Importance (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

SoberLeigh

Here is another great thread, AndraMan.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

AndraMan

Yeah I think it is perhaps partly laziness that fuelled this for me too. Alcohol gives me that more 'ready-made' urge to pick up my guitar and play, and of course you think you sound better, but when I listen to my drunken recordings you can often hear the sloppiness in there too. It always kind of needed a sober clean-up operation following drinking sessions but there's never enough of the sober times so ends up being lots of drunken jams. I find if I am just sober, I have to 'punch through' low motivation a lot more or just skip playing more often. Definitely gonna take me some time to build up those good sober habits and confidence etc.
Pushed through Day 1 ok today anyway, brain feels pretty fried but relieved to be on this journey now. Weird how it feels like that when you decide, like why did it take me so long to do that? The human mind is weird bit of apparatus for sure.

AndraMan

Thanks for raising this, yes I have spoken to a couple of different counsellors and a doctor about depression/anxiety. To be honest I found that I struggled to articulate well enough really how I felt and it did help a bit but perhaps not as much as I'd hoped. I also feel like it can be a sneaky thing and some days are definitely a lot worse than others, plus mixed in with coming on and off alcohol/drugs I ended up wanting to wait until I had made enough lifestyle changes before I could justify reaching for pills/treatments etc so went in circles a bit. I do wonder if a mild sedative for my anxiety might be worthwhile as it is the anxiety really I think that spirals and then becomes feelings of uselessness/depression. But for now I am going to try going clean for a while again without formal treatment and keep a careful eye on it. I have scared myself enough lately that I feel I have more impetus now somehow.