Originally Posted by
SimplySue 
I’ve been slipping slowly and gradually down the slope for a good twelve years now. I occasionally resolve to make the break, but the good intentions leave when the draw of the bottle gets me again.
That's the way it was for me, a slow slip for 12 years then another 10 and another 10. It happened so gradually, that I didn't realize that the slip was turning into slide, and the slide was accelerating, which I didn't see either. When I finally realized I was trapped, I was like you. I knew I was harming myself, but I kept drinking anyway, and then the spiral came. Up until that point, I would say my drinking was alarming. The spiral was hideous. You don't want to get to that stage if you can help it.
Why do you keep going back? You say you don't know why. I don't know why either, and I'm not sure it's important to know why. All you really need to know is that you just need to stop for good. Concentrate on how to quit, not on why you are so sick. Maybe you can answer that why question later, but right now you need to redirect your focus to your behavior. I too am a big fan of self understanding, but with alcoholism, it was 90% a behavior change for me.