Well EZ see you trying hard to manage the conflict between accepting the cold hard facts and wanting to keep your head in the sand of wishful thinking. After all romanticizing a drunk takes effort, lies and lots of denial about things. Mostly self.
You cannot change the situation by thinking about it, talking about it, wondering about it. Why why why will drive you nuts. Trust me on this one. You’ll never understand and you don’t need to.
There is nothing to do but accept.
Sucks to high heaven but that’s the facts. I know how disorienting it can be, and how far one will go to not deal with the elephant in the room. However, once you truly accept you are powerless over her, alcohol, and pretty much everything else, is the beginning of the end of your pain. At least it was for me.
As an important aside.. brother you are not a victim. Not even a little. You could have checked out at any time yet you stayed and endured because you were getting something out of it. Which means you’re not a martyr either.
There is nothing noble about sacrificing yourself on the altar of alcoholism and codependency. “I gave her so much and look what she did to me” is typical nice guy mentality when the wheels fall off. I know because I was there and it takes one to know one.
There’s a book called “No More Mr. Nice guy”that I suggest you read. It will help YOU understand yourself better, which is far far more important right now than trying to understand why an alcoholic does what alcoholics do. The former will change your life, the latter will keep you trapped.
Unless of course you’re enjoying wallowing in your misery. Then by all means keep it up.