I’m not sure why my decision is so upsetting.
I find it empowering.
I feel powerless 80+% of the time due to this disease.
Honestly, if I can’t recovery, I’m going to go out my way. I refuse to die drunk. It’s not going to happen.
If the doctor assisted thing happens, I’m sure I’ll be happily peaceful and sober on that day.
This disease has delivered far too much pain in my life. I don’t need or want any more.
My pardon was rescinded due to a messed up step five. The type of charges I had 30 yrs ago would divorce me of my (high paying) job if my employer ever runs a query. I can’t cross a border. I can’t look for new and exciting work. Six times in life I’ve had to live in absolute fear of a jail sentence while awaiting court for impaired driving charges. Anytime I’ve needed to be dependable is the time I screw things up the most.
My wife is still effectively a stranger while she decides what she is doing (staying or leaving). Lust and alcohol have been hand in hand since my teen years. I’ve alienated some loved ones. I have to blow in a breathalyzer in order to drive. Still 3 years remain of 5.
I have NO desire to continue at this job, but am stuck.
In the 6 month sentence I had as a young man, my heart rate never dipped below 110, my normal resting rate is 67. So…for six months my heart rate was over 50 beats PER MINUTE too high.
I’m pretty sure I have PTSD over it.
It has been a hard, hard life so many times.
The soul crushing shame of it all is just so embarrassing.
Do I want to check out? Yes, I do.
The rules may never permit it, but I’ll be looking into it.