Originally Posted by
EveningRose 
I feel for you. It took me a long time to come to that understanding both with my father/family of origin and with my now-ex husband. They are who they are. They kept telling me I was the problem but no matter how I twisted it, I couldn't see any thing I could have done to make things better. They are who they are, in my father's case, an alcoholic, in my family's case the dysfunctional result of living with an alcoholic and in the ex-husband's case, the adult child of an alcoholic who refused to look at himself and admit and fix his habits of lying and all that went with that.
I kept thinking I was dealing with 'normal' people who sincerely wanted the best and were open and honest, blah blah blah. That's not what we're dealing with. Eventually, we figure it out.
Exactly... I think what a lot of us do is imagine our ex alocholic partners getting in a new relationship and having this magical happy life... because they have told us so many times that we were the problem... So now that we have been apart I go into self doubt or sadness thinking well he is probably dating someone new and so happy and then I remember I am single still working on myself still because I am not an alocholic drinking away my pain and we have only been apart 5 months... Active addicts don't do the real relationship thing... they treat every person as their mistress because alcohol is their love and until it isn't ( and I don't mean by replacing one addiction with another) I mean until they come out of the haze, alcohol and all things related to alcohol will come first... so yes I could have kept my mouth shut longer and stayed but the I would have always been treated like the other woman even though I was married to him... Alcohol is his first spouse and any woman ( myself included ) is always a mistress....