LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys... I am just writing this to remind myself that my exAH is infact an alcoholic. Somedays in my head I still run through the thoughts of trying to figure out what went wrong... He is an alcoholic and it couldn't work because he was drunk everyday... ok reminder there...

EveningRose

I feel for you. It took me a long time to come to that understanding both with my father/family of origin and with my now-ex husband. They are who they are. They kept telling me I was the problem but no matter how I twisted it, I couldn't see any thing I could have done to make things better. They are who they are, in my father's case, an alcoholic, in my family's case the dysfunctional result of living with an alcoholic and in the ex-husband's case, the adult child of an alcoholic who refused to look at himself and admit and fix his habits of lying and all that went with that.

I kept thinking I was dealing with 'normal' people who sincerely wanted the best and were open and honest, blah blah blah. That's not what we're dealing with. Eventually, we figure it out.

LovelyKaya33333

Exactly... I think what a lot of us do is imagine our ex alocholic partners getting in a new relationship and having this magical happy life... because they have told us so many times that we were the problem... So now that we have been apart I go into self doubt or sadness thinking well he is probably dating someone new and so happy and then I remember I am single still working on myself still because I am not an alocholic drinking away my pain and we have only been apart 5 months... Active addicts don't do the real relationship thing... they treat every person as their mistress because alcohol is their love and until it isn't ( and I don't mean by replacing one addiction with another) I mean until they come out of the haze, alcohol and all things related to alcohol will come first... so yes I could have kept my mouth shut longer and stayed but the I would have always been treated like the other woman even though I was married to him... Alcohol is his first spouse and any woman ( myself included ) is always a mistress....

ironwill

Hi LK,That little thought that goes through your mind of trying to figure out what went wrong? Should be answered “he valued drinking first above everything and everybody”. You did everything to try and point this out. The alcoholic never want to blame the thing that brings them happiness. So it has to be those around them.

You are correct that alcohol was his spouse and you became the innocent bystander that got in his way of being happy. You had two choices: live with the alcohol and be miserable and always the mistress or take back your life and put yourself first. I’m glad you found the strength to take back your life. With each passing day, those thoughts of what went wrong will fade away.

Keep being strong and getting strength from things that bring you joy. Have a beautiful day.

sage1969

Thank you for posting this reminder. I needed it, last night and now . . . after 5 months of silence XABF drunk texted last night to try to get his foot back in the door. *sigh*

I definitely didn't sleep, having all those feelings all over again. But I do know this morning that he most likely won't remember, I think he was in a blackout, and he won't check his text messages, so it's like the rest of our time together: it never happened and I don't exist.

So back to your wise words: he is an active alcoholic

LovelyKaya33333

Yea you are right... He was willing to even say he was an ******* before he would say drinking ruined his life... He always admitted to being an alcoholic but never would listen to the things that alcohol damaged... Those were my choices exactly and I chose me... It felt like I was given 2 heartbreaking choices both with very difficult out comes. One I will heal from eventually. I sometimes even think I could accept his level of drinking.... I mean I did in the begining. In the begining though I wasn't the enemy. As our marriage progressed so did his drinking. So did his comfort level being drunk, rude, hungover, disrespectful ect. I mean he had his fair share of rude moments in the first year but they were always met with tears and apologies. In one the journal entries I had when I was married to him I wrote ......"When you have been a wreck and drunk I have held a lot of the responsibilities of our household on my shoulders alone. You Haven’t cared. Instead you say “oh you think you are so great?”… so it’s not that I even have been great to you and you don’t see it … NOW I’m actually getting rude comments for it. Today I’m clearly angry and scared. I won’t tell you because there is no point in telling you… you won’t care." and "Our relationship has gone from you being loving and caring … to you not caring about anything … to now actually actively saying things that make me feel silly for having feelings or opinions.".... and I think this points out not just the progression of alcoholism but also the progression of any partnership the alcoholic goes into....

LovelyKaya33333

Yes he is... and yours is too... My goal in this next season of my life is to figure out why I was willing to settle for crumbs... I mean not in the begining... In the begining I find that active alcoholics (mine anyway) was intoxicating in some ways... I have figured out that there is a role they play... similar to being a narcissist... they find out what it is you are wanting and fill that cup up. For me it was connection and time... and my exAH did spent so much time with me... Inseperable is the word that comes to mind. I remember now as I glance over it like a movie playing that his friends gave him weird looks. Like somehow they knew he was playing a role and I would eventually get crushed. I had one a few of his friends that I got closer to over the years say to me in the begining "Are you sure this is what you want?"... and one of his buddies said to me once a few months into us dating "Taking on kids and an ex wife is so much ... you really want this?" I now know they knew the wild guy inside him. The guy that outside of a 2 year sobriety kick in his early 20s had been drinking from the time he was 15 up until that point... I mean everyone agreed that my exAH had a great heart... but even that changed over the last 7 years... So yes ... alcohol destroys someones brain, mental capacity to have empathy and compassion... not saying if an alcoholic gets sober it can return but I think now anything they say or do has no meaning behind it... Good or Bad... They just throw things out there and see what sticks in a way... It doesn't hold the same value or weight that it does for someone not deep in addiction. That is why my exAH could go from being in an argument one night to cuddling 30 minutes later without even discussing what we had just went through.... His mean words didn't hold weight...nor did his positive words... I look at it like they are 5 year olds... What has kinda helped me is watching the show intervention. It has made me see it from a non personal view. When I am watching it I think to myself... "Would i expect that addict in the show to turn around and have any remorse or remember anything?" the answer is always no... until that part in the show where they do the 90 day update... Even in 90 days off alcohol they are different in a good way...Hang in their... don't take the bait... in a few days from now the bait won't matter to him... but to you (because you aren't numbing yourself) it could take weeks to recover from the spin of engaging again...sending love

sage1969

You're right on target here. I think XABF was banking on his great heart reputation, and it was just like he was lobbing stuff out to see what would stick.

I was polite, told him nothing had changed for either of us, wished him well, and that was the end of it. I deleted the message. I know a few months ago I was still heartbroken over this; now I feel sadness at the waste of it all, but feel no desire whatsoever to get involved again.

sunday9

[QUOTE=sage1969;7720663]

I definitely didn't sleep, having all those feelings all over again. But I do know this morning that he most likely won't remember, I think he was in a blackout, and he won't check his text messages, so it's like the rest of our time together: it never happened and I don't exist.QUOTE]

I literally dream about getting this call from my exABF. I’m still numb because he had threatened to leave for years but finally did a couple of months ago. As much as I want that call it would be in a blackout moment and yep he wouldn’t remember or act on it unless his life was really in shambles. He has stopped drinking instead he is using a CBD product. Something I had begged him to do for years. Seems like he is having success with it. He wouldn’t try it with me. Speaks volumes. I know this and all the wisdom spoken by all of you. But my heart is still broken and has long way to heal if ever.

sunday9

[QUOTE=LovelyKaya33333;7720694]
That is why my exAH could go from being in an argument one night to cuddling 30 minutes later without even discussing what we had just went through.... His mean words didn't hold weight...nor did his positive words... I look at it like they are 5 year olds... What has kinda helped me is watching the show intervention. It has made me see it from a non personal view. /QUOTE]

my exABF did the insta switch too. He would go from rage/hate to love/cuddles etc and back again several times. It took about 10 beers to get him to that point. After a few more blackout time. He would change personas and clothes a few times. His drunk sprees would last a day or two a few times a week. Same exact movie again and again. Like Groundhog Day. I knew what he was going to do before he did. That was the source of most of our fights. I was supposed to forget and forgive anything that happened during these times. Never speak if it again. occasionally I could but it didn’t make much difference

velma929

That's pretty much it, isn't it?

Someone recently posted his/her qualifier described the situation something like this: talking about his drinking took away the little bit of peace alcohol temporarily provided.

Heartbreaking all-around.

PeacefulWater12

Yes, it destroys some of the denial that makes a drinkers drinking give them a sense of peace. Reality ruins it.