I can relate to so much in this thread. After many years together my ABF recently left me. Kaya what your A said is kinda what my A tried to tell me. I couldn’t hear it thru my anger and pain. That I stole his peace the drinking temporarily gave him. My anger was pushing him away. I get it now. I would prepare for the worst before he opened the first of 20 beers. He was a nice guy until about the 10th beer. I was just exhausted from dealing with this almost daily. I knew it would be a long insane night that he and the beer controlled. But that was going to happen anyway. My anger made it worse or gave him reason to blame me. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Daily lied to and let down. So anger was maybe all I had. My anger was full of love for him and hope for us if that makes sense. I was always there for him. kept him out of trouble. Put up with his shenanigans. My friends never understood why I didn’t kick him out. Because I knew how empty my life would without him. He found a way out. I think he is happy and sober now with true love gf and all he ever wanted…. just not with me. And I can’t stop crying either.