It is starting to click a bit... trying to move on
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
It is starting to click a bit... trying to move on
Hi everyone
Thank you to everyone who gives me advice and feedback. It helps so much. Here is something Velma wrote on another one of my posts....
"People have to reach a certain level of maturity to handle the concept of being responsible for the things they do and having empathy for others. Some people may never get there.
Your ex's other ex-wife may have *much* lower standards than you - she, (or whomever he hooks up with next) may be totally okay with someone who's drunk most of the time. It's absolutely normal to want a partner who is sober, empathetic and engaged - it just doesn't obligate anyone else to live up to our standards"
This hit home for me... In one of our exchanges last week he wrote
" You are a wonderful girl and a wonderful wife and a wonderful person in all regards. I didn’t end our relationship because you’re not great. I ended it just because it wasn’t working... something happened at some point where it was just messed up. I felt like you were mad at me all the time. I’m a little bit of a knucklehead sometimes and I know that so I almost have to have a partner who just doesn’t care or pay attention or is super non-emotional.I often felt like I lived in fear of your emotions and where they were going to go and what you were going to be upset about".......
When he is actively drinking still he wouldn't say say.... " I was drinking everyday to the point of being drunk... Of course that caused our marriage to derail... "
I think as sad as it is... I feel like he resented me for not being an alcoholic in the same way I resented him for being one... He needed me to bury my emotions and my head in the sand and I desperately wanted him to stop numbing, drinking and connect to me....
So case closed... Although to me it was such an easy fix. Whenever he went a week or even a few days without a drink we wouldn't have a single argument and he would say he knew it was cause of his drinking that caused anxiety and tension. In 7 years the longest he went without a drink was 2 weeks... And that only happened maybe 4 times. Knowing more about withdraw now I am sure he was drinking some alcohol to maintain. Anyway it is hitting me that I had the problem with his drinking....HE doesn't /didn't... I guess it is a simple case of he chose alcohol over our marriage. It is that simple...
Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on...
Thank you to everyone who gives me advice and feedback. It helps so much. Here is something Velma wrote on another one of my posts...."People have to reach a certain level of maturity to handle the concept of being responsible for the things they do and having empathy for others. Some people may never get there.
Your ex's other ex-wife may have *much* lower standards than you - she, (or whomever he hooks up with next) may be totally okay with someone who's drunk most of the time. It's absolutely normal to want a partner who is sober, empathetic and engaged - it just doesn't obligate anyone else to live up to our standards"
This hit home for me... In one of our exchanges last week he wrote
" You are a wonderful girl and a wonderful wife and a wonderful person in all regards. I didn’t end our relationship because you’re not great. I ended it just because it wasn’t working... something happened at some point where it was just messed up. I felt like you were mad at me all the time. I’m a little bit of a knucklehead sometimes and I know that so I almost have to have a partner who just doesn’t care or pay attention or is super non-emotional.I often felt like I lived in fear of your emotions and where they were going to go and what you were going to be upset about".......
When he is actively drinking still he wouldn't say say.... " I was drinking everyday to the point of being drunk... Of course that caused our marriage to derail... "
I think as sad as it is... I feel like he resented me for not being an alcoholic in the same way I resented him for being one... He needed me to bury my emotions and my head in the sand and I desperately wanted him to stop numbing, drinking and connect to me....
So case closed... Although to me it was such an easy fix. Whenever he went a week or even a few days without a drink we wouldn't have a single argument and he would say he knew it was cause of his drinking that caused anxiety and tension. In 7 years the longest he went without a drink was 2 weeks... And that only happened maybe 4 times. Knowing more about withdraw now I am sure he was drinking some alcohol to maintain. Anyway it is hitting me that I had the problem with his drinking....HE doesn't /didn't... I guess it is a simple case of he chose alcohol over our marriage. It is that simple...
Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333 
Anyway it is hitting me that I had the problem with his drinking....HE doesn't /didn't... I guess it is a simple case of he chose alcohol over our marriage. It is that simple...
Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on...
Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on...
No one can really compete with an addiction when the addict doesn't want to stop and many of us are not okay living with an addict.
Unfortunately you are probably headed for some more ups and downs as this is how grieving goes. You really are doing spectacularly with all this but even knowing this probably doesn't help much.
Courage and strength to you.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
So so so much this ^^^^^ Kaya. Even with this understanding it is still going to hurt which sucks beyond sucks.
No one can really compete with an addiction when the addict doesn't want to stop and many of us are not okay living with an addict.
Unfortunately you are probably headed for some more ups and downs as this is how grieving goes. You really are doing spectacularly with all this but even knowing this probably doesn't help much.
Courage and strength to you.
No one can really compete with an addiction when the addict doesn't want to stop and many of us are not okay living with an addict.
Unfortunately you are probably headed for some more ups and downs as this is how grieving goes. You really are doing spectacularly with all this but even knowing this probably doesn't help much.
Courage and strength to you.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I think it's also important to accept that there was nothing you could have done to make him make a different choice, not without making yourself as sick as him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
I am glad you are beginning to come to terms with a very difficult situation Kaya—I just wanted to switch hats from family of A to alcoholic for a moment to offer some gentle feedback on your post that him simply choosing to not drink was “such an easy fix”.
When you are deeply entrenched in your addiction—whatever it may be—and you have not had the insight or ability or made the choice to deal with the underlying issues that precipitate the addiction, quitting for yourself or anyone is not “easy” at all.
I think the thousands of stories just on this thread are evidence of that. For the few that get out, many more are lost. Addicts are human—we love our people but have often lost sight of them, and most especially of ourselves. It is a terrible place to be / live and some stay for years or even a lifetime, choosing the H-ell of numbness over human connection and love. Usually we reject love because we grew up not knowing how to love ourselves or that we were even worthy of love. That was the case for me.
Learning to engage and heal with my spouse has been so hard and leaving my “medication” behind that let me just get through days of sadness and desperation has been even harder at times. I can relate to what your X wrote about just needing someone to not care or be super-emotional so I could drink in peace and find that temporary oblivion that kept me on the planet for another hour, day, week or year.
Yes, addiction is selfish and hurts those closest to us terribly. My mother’s addiction nearly destroyed me, and has had a continuing negative effect on my life even though she has been dead nearly a decade. I see all relationships, including the one with myself, through a broken lens that I am now, in sobriety, repairing one brick at a time. Maybe someday he will start to own his choices and choose recovery, but meanwhile, you have begun to heal from an unfair hurt.
You did your best, and loved without fear. That’s more than I have ever been able to do—at least yet.
Be proud of that—I admire it greatly.
When you are deeply entrenched in your addiction—whatever it may be—and you have not had the insight or ability or made the choice to deal with the underlying issues that precipitate the addiction, quitting for yourself or anyone is not “easy” at all.
I think the thousands of stories just on this thread are evidence of that. For the few that get out, many more are lost. Addicts are human—we love our people but have often lost sight of them, and most especially of ourselves. It is a terrible place to be / live and some stay for years or even a lifetime, choosing the H-ell of numbness over human connection and love. Usually we reject love because we grew up not knowing how to love ourselves or that we were even worthy of love. That was the case for me.
Learning to engage and heal with my spouse has been so hard and leaving my “medication” behind that let me just get through days of sadness and desperation has been even harder at times. I can relate to what your X wrote about just needing someone to not care or be super-emotional so I could drink in peace and find that temporary oblivion that kept me on the planet for another hour, day, week or year.
Yes, addiction is selfish and hurts those closest to us terribly. My mother’s addiction nearly destroyed me, and has had a continuing negative effect on my life even though she has been dead nearly a decade. I see all relationships, including the one with myself, through a broken lens that I am now, in sobriety, repairing one brick at a time. Maybe someday he will start to own his choices and choose recovery, but meanwhile, you have begun to heal from an unfair hurt.
You did your best, and loved without fear. That’s more than I have ever been able to do—at least yet.
Be proud of that—I admire it greatly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
HI LK,
He wanted you to love alcohol as much as he did. He hoped you would hide your emotions in that drink, so he didn't have to deal with them. Why some people can be that way and join the alcoholic party and not have a concern about anything or anybody. You have shown alcohol in that amount is not something you want in your life.
No Contact is most important for your mental and physical health. You were going good with the no contact, you tried to be a grownup and inform him of important stuff that you got in the mail. Then he responds back with "thanks for telling me girly". He showed that he has no respect for you. Don't let this one thing of niceness you did for him get you down. You are almost tangled free of him with everything you said you have done.
You do understand, that the merry go round you were on was not going to change as long as he kept drinking. You were smart to get off. There was nothing you could of told him that would change his mind. His short breaks of not drinking was his way of keeping you "dizzy and confused and on the ride"
You will still have days where you will be sad. Those days will get less and less as you close this chapter of your life. Keep looking after yourself and doing things that bring you joy. You are a strong person and will get though this. Have a beautiful day.
I think as sad as it is... I feel like he resented me for not being an alcoholic in the same way I resented him for being one... He needed me to bury my emotions and my head in the sand and I desperately wanted him to stop numbing, drinking and connect to me....
No Contact is most important for your mental and physical health. You were going good with the no contact, you tried to be a grownup and inform him of important stuff that you got in the mail. Then he responds back with "thanks for telling me girly". He showed that he has no respect for you. Don't let this one thing of niceness you did for him get you down. You are almost tangled free of him with everything you said you have done.
now I am understanding that our arguments don't even matter... all the "you did this, well you did that" doesn't matter. As long as he is deep in his drinking it would just go round and round in circles that don't make sense anyway... so there is literally nothing to say to each other. It is over...
You will still have days where you will be sad. Those days will get less and less as you close this chapter of your life. Keep looking after yourself and doing things that bring you joy. You are a strong person and will get though this. Have a beautiful day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
[QUOTE=
I think as sad as it is... I feel like he resented me for not being an alcoholic in the same way I resented him for being one... He needed me to bury my emotions and my head in the sand and I desperately wanted him to stop numbing, drinking and connect to me....
...[/QUOTE]
This hits home with me. I look at my AH's family and watched while when his father was alive the same pattern that to some extent is now present in our house, the only difference being my AH sneaks and hides his drinking. The watching the clock until it hits 5 and they can pour themselves a drink without guilt, then continue drinking until they went to bed. His mom never bothered by the slurring and nonsense talk. I never understood it and in some twisted way so wish that I could be like his mom, not bothered, never upset, never bitchy. Seems like life would be easier.
I think as sad as it is... I feel like he resented me for not being an alcoholic in the same way I resented him for being one... He needed me to bury my emotions and my head in the sand and I desperately wanted him to stop numbing, drinking and connect to me....
...[/QUOTE]
This hits home with me. I look at my AH's family and watched while when his father was alive the same pattern that to some extent is now present in our house, the only difference being my AH sneaks and hides his drinking. The watching the clock until it hits 5 and they can pour themselves a drink without guilt, then continue drinking until they went to bed. His mom never bothered by the slurring and nonsense talk. I never understood it and in some twisted way so wish that I could be like his mom, not bothered, never upset, never bitchy. Seems like life would be easier.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
LK
Please dont let this messed up addict husband use you anymore. I read most of your posts & have always felt that he has been using you. He is taking heavy advantage of the fact that your a very nice & caring person.
I know exactly what its like to be all focused & wrapped up with an addict. At one time, I too had hopes & dreams (which over time were all shattered into many pieces) . I also very much know what its like to be used by an addict. None of it was easy for me & it took a lot of time, but I had to put a stop to it.
If I achieved nothing else at least I regained some amount of dignity by putting a stop to it.
Please dont let this messed up addict husband use you anymore. I read most of your posts & have always felt that he has been using you. He is taking heavy advantage of the fact that your a very nice & caring person.
I know exactly what its like to be all focused & wrapped up with an addict. At one time, I too had hopes & dreams (which over time were all shattered into many pieces) . I also very much know what its like to be used by an addict. None of it was easy for me & it took a lot of time, but I had to put a stop to it.
If I achieved nothing else at least I regained some amount of dignity by putting a stop to it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
LK
Please dont let this messed up addict husband use you anymore. I read most of your posts & have always felt that he has been using you. He is taking heavy advantage of the fact that your a very nice & caring person.
I know exactly what its like to be all focused & wrapped up with an addict. At one time, I too had hopes & dreams (which over time were all shattered into many pieces) . I also very much know what its like to be used by an addict. None of it was easy for me & it took a lot of time, but I had to put a stop to it.
If I achieved nothing else at least I regained some amount of dignity by putting a stop to it.
Please dont let this messed up addict husband use you anymore. I read most of your posts & have always felt that he has been using you. He is taking heavy advantage of the fact that your a very nice & caring person.
I know exactly what its like to be all focused & wrapped up with an addict. At one time, I too had hopes & dreams (which over time were all shattered into many pieces) . I also very much know what its like to be used by an addict. None of it was easy for me & it took a lot of time, but I had to put a stop to it.
If I achieved nothing else at least I regained some amount of dignity by putting a stop to it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by HardLessons
LK
Please dont let this messed up addict husband use you anymore. I read most of your posts & have always felt that he has been using you. He is taking heavy advantage of the fact that your a very nice & caring person.
I know exactly what its like to be all focused & wrapped up with an addict. At one time, I too had hopes & dreams (which over time were all shattered into many pieces) . I also very much know what its like to be used by an addict. None of it was easy for me & it took a lot of time, but I had to put a stop to it.
If I achieved nothing else at least I regained some amount of dignity by putting a stop to it.
Please dont let this messed up addict husband use you anymore. I read most of your posts & have always felt that he has been using you. He is taking heavy advantage of the fact that your a very nice & caring person.
I know exactly what its like to be all focused & wrapped up with an addict. At one time, I too had hopes & dreams (which over time were all shattered into many pieces) . I also very much know what its like to be used by an addict. None of it was easy for me & it took a lot of time, but I had to put a stop to it.
If I achieved nothing else at least I regained some amount of dignity by putting a stop to it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
LK, I promise you this and I know it’s hard to believe at this time….but you will someday look back and ask…what was I thinking?!? He is so messed up and I deserve so much better! and truly believe those words.
Keep working on you. Get strong and healthy before you start dating…. or you will keep attracting the same kind of men. And trust me on this….your ex will try to come back to you at some point. They always try to return to their enablers. It’s only a matter of time. He will start by taking your temperature, testing the waters. No contact is the only way to heal, gain clarity, and move forward.
Keep working on you. Get strong and healthy before you start dating…. or you will keep attracting the same kind of men. And trust me on this….your ex will try to come back to you at some point. They always try to return to their enablers. It’s only a matter of time. He will start by taking your temperature, testing the waters. No contact is the only way to heal, gain clarity, and move forward.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
LK,
Oh, I know what you are thinking/feeling when you say that him not drinking again would be such an easy fix for your relationship. (And, you didn't say this, but for me, when my Q wasn't drinking, I felt like we were like gold together. Absolute gold.).
But the catch is that he is not going to stop drinking. Which means the two of you will not have that golden relationship. Not ever. So, when you say, "Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on..." I want to cheer for you. I want to clap for you. I want to applaud you. I want to hug you. You get it! You know it! This is your solution! I know this solution temporarily hurts and I know how much it hurts because I went through about a year of that last year, but I PROMISE YOU that it does get better. It gets so much better. I look back, now, after being in your shoes for much of last year, and not understanding how it could ever get better, and I wish I could tell myself just to have faith that I deserved better. That my life would be better. That everything would be better. Days now go by -- almost a week the other week -- when I didn't think about my Q at all. Not at all. When I do think about him, it's more in that shake-my-head kind of way like, "How did I fall off the rails so badly during that ridiculous relationship?" I can almost ... not quite but almost ... laugh now. You will get here. The two and only two things that saved me were: (1) no contact; and (2) believing that I deserve more. A lot more. That's all. You've got this. I know you do. Take care of your sweet self. Okay?
Oh, I know what you are thinking/feeling when you say that him not drinking again would be such an easy fix for your relationship. (And, you didn't say this, but for me, when my Q wasn't drinking, I felt like we were like gold together. Absolute gold.).
But the catch is that he is not going to stop drinking. Which means the two of you will not have that golden relationship. Not ever. So, when you say, "Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on..." I want to cheer for you. I want to clap for you. I want to applaud you. I want to hug you. You get it! You know it! This is your solution! I know this solution temporarily hurts and I know how much it hurts because I went through about a year of that last year, but I PROMISE YOU that it does get better. It gets so much better. I look back, now, after being in your shoes for much of last year, and not understanding how it could ever get better, and I wish I could tell myself just to have faith that I deserved better. That my life would be better. That everything would be better. Days now go by -- almost a week the other week -- when I didn't think about my Q at all. Not at all. When I do think about him, it's more in that shake-my-head kind of way like, "How did I fall off the rails so badly during that ridiculous relationship?" I can almost ... not quite but almost ... laugh now. You will get here. The two and only two things that saved me were: (1) no contact; and (2) believing that I deserve more. A lot more. That's all. You've got this. I know you do. Take care of your sweet self. Okay?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by OKRunner
LK,
Oh, I know what you are thinking/feeling when you say that him not drinking again would be such an easy fix for your relationship. (And, you didn't say this, but for me, when my Q wasn't drinking, I felt like we were like gold together. Absolute gold.).
But the catch is that he is not going to stop drinking. Which means the two of you will not have that golden relationship. Not ever. So, when you say, "Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on..." I want to cheer for you. I want to clap for you. I want to applaud you. I want to hug you. You get it! You know it! This is your solution! I know this solution temporarily hurts and I know how much it hurts because I went through about a year of that last year, but I PROMISE YOU that it does get better. It gets so much better. I look back, now, after being in your shoes for much of last year, and not understanding how it could ever get better, and I wish I could tell myself just to have faith that I deserved better. That my life would be better. That everything would be better. Days now go by -- almost a week the other week -- when I didn't think about my Q at all. Not at all. When I do think about him, it's more in that shake-my-head kind of way like, "How did I fall off the rails so badly during that ridiculous relationship?" I can almost ... not quite but almost ... laugh now. You will get here. The two and only two things that saved me were: (1) no contact; and (2) believing that I deserve more. A lot more. That's all. You've got this. I know you do. Take care of your sweet self. Okay?
Oh, I know what you are thinking/feeling when you say that him not drinking again would be such an easy fix for your relationship. (And, you didn't say this, but for me, when my Q wasn't drinking, I felt like we were like gold together. Absolute gold.).
But the catch is that he is not going to stop drinking. Which means the two of you will not have that golden relationship. Not ever. So, when you say, "Time to just accept that fact... He chose to protect his addiction .... and as a grown man he has that choice... I just wish it didn't hurt so much... sigh... Time to move on..." I want to cheer for you. I want to clap for you. I want to applaud you. I want to hug you. You get it! You know it! This is your solution! I know this solution temporarily hurts and I know how much it hurts because I went through about a year of that last year, but I PROMISE YOU that it does get better. It gets so much better. I look back, now, after being in your shoes for much of last year, and not understanding how it could ever get better, and I wish I could tell myself just to have faith that I deserved better. That my life would be better. That everything would be better. Days now go by -- almost a week the other week -- when I didn't think about my Q at all. Not at all. When I do think about him, it's more in that shake-my-head kind of way like, "How did I fall off the rails so badly during that ridiculous relationship?" I can almost ... not quite but almost ... laugh now. You will get here. The two and only two things that saved me were: (1) no contact; and (2) believing that I deserve more. A lot more. That's all. You've got this. I know you do. Take care of your sweet self. Okay?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I think it's also important to accept that there was nothing you could have done to make him make a different choice, not without making yourself as sick as him.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
LK, I promise you this and I know it’s hard to believe at this time….but you will someday look back and ask…what was I thinking?!? He is so messed up and I deserve so much better! and truly believe those words.
Keep working on you. Get strong and healthy before you start dating…. or you will keep attracting the same kind of men. And trust me on this….your ex will try to come back to you at some point. They always try to return to their enablers. It’s only a matter of time. He will start by taking your temperature, testing the waters. No contact is the only way to heal, gain clarity, and move forward.
Keep working on you. Get strong and healthy before you start dating…. or you will keep attracting the same kind of men. And trust me on this….your ex will try to come back to you at some point. They always try to return to their enablers. It’s only a matter of time. He will start by taking your temperature, testing the waters. No contact is the only way to heal, gain clarity, and move forward.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Nd819
This hits home with me. I look at my AH's family and watched while when his father was alive the same pattern that to some extent is now present in our house, the only difference being my AH sneaks and hides his drinking. The watching the clock until it hits 5 and they can pour themselves a drink without guilt, then continue drinking until they went to bed. His mom never bothered by the slurring and nonsense talk. I never understood it and in some twisted way so wish that I could be like his mom, not bothered, never upset, never bitchy. Seems like life would be easier.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I am glad you are beginning to come to terms with a very difficult situation Kaya—I just wanted to switch hats from family of A to alcoholic for a moment to offer some gentle feedback on your post that him simply choosing to not drink was “such an easy fix”.
When you are deeply entrenched in your addiction—whatever it may be—and you have not had the insight or ability or made the choice to deal with the underlying issues that precipitate the addiction, quitting for yourself or anyone is not “easy” at all.
I think the thousands of stories just on this thread are evidence of that. For the few that get out, many more are lost. Addicts are human—we love our people but have often lost sight of them, and most especially of ourselves. It is a terrible place to be / live and some stay for years or even a lifetime, choosing the H-ell of numbness over human connection and love. Usually we reject love because we grew up not knowing how to love ourselves or that we were even worthy of love. That was the case for me.
Learning to engage and heal with my spouse has been so hard and leaving my “medication” behind that let me just get through days of sadness and desperation has been even harder at times. I can relate to what your X wrote about just needing someone to not care or be super-emotional so I could drink in peace and find that temporary oblivion that kept me on the planet for another hour, day, week or year.
Yes, addiction is selfish and hurts those closest to us terribly. My mother’s addiction nearly destroyed me, and has had a continuing negative effect on my life even though she has been dead nearly a decade. I see all relationships, including the one with myself, through a broken lens that I am now, in sobriety, repairing one brick at a time. Maybe someday he will start to own his choices and choose recovery, but meanwhile, you have begun to heal from an unfair hurt.
You did your best, and loved without fear. That’s more than I have ever been able to do—at least yet.
Be proud of that—I admire it greatly.
When you are deeply entrenched in your addiction—whatever it may be—and you have not had the insight or ability or made the choice to deal with the underlying issues that precipitate the addiction, quitting for yourself or anyone is not “easy” at all.
I think the thousands of stories just on this thread are evidence of that. For the few that get out, many more are lost. Addicts are human—we love our people but have often lost sight of them, and most especially of ourselves. It is a terrible place to be / live and some stay for years or even a lifetime, choosing the H-ell of numbness over human connection and love. Usually we reject love because we grew up not knowing how to love ourselves or that we were even worthy of love. That was the case for me.
Learning to engage and heal with my spouse has been so hard and leaving my “medication” behind that let me just get through days of sadness and desperation has been even harder at times. I can relate to what your X wrote about just needing someone to not care or be super-emotional so I could drink in peace and find that temporary oblivion that kept me on the planet for another hour, day, week or year.
Yes, addiction is selfish and hurts those closest to us terribly. My mother’s addiction nearly destroyed me, and has had a continuing negative effect on my life even though she has been dead nearly a decade. I see all relationships, including the one with myself, through a broken lens that I am now, in sobriety, repairing one brick at a time. Maybe someday he will start to own his choices and choose recovery, but meanwhile, you have begun to heal from an unfair hurt.
You did your best, and loved without fear. That’s more than I have ever been able to do—at least yet.
Be proud of that—I admire it greatly.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by ironwill
HI LK,
He wanted you to love alcohol as much as he did. He hoped you would hide your emotions in that drink, so he didn't have to deal with them. Why some people can be that way and join the alcoholic party and not have a concern about anything or anybody. You have shown alcohol in that amount is not something you want in your life.
No Contact is most important for your mental and physical health. You were going good with the no contact, you tried to be a grownup and inform him of important stuff that you got in the mail. Then he responds back with "thanks for telling me girly". He showed that he has no respect for you. Don't let this one thing of niceness you did for him get you down. You are almost tangled free of him with everything you said you have done.
You do understand, that the merry go round you were on was not going to change as long as he kept drinking. You were smart to get off. There was nothing you could of told him that would change his mind. His short breaks of not drinking was his way of keeping you "dizzy and confused and on the ride"
You will still have days where you will be sad. Those days will get less and less as you close this chapter of your life. Keep looking after yourself and doing things that bring you joy. You are a strong person and will get though this. Have a beautiful day.
He wanted you to love alcohol as much as he did. He hoped you would hide your emotions in that drink, so he didn't have to deal with them. Why some people can be that way and join the alcoholic party and not have a concern about anything or anybody. You have shown alcohol in that amount is not something you want in your life.
No Contact is most important for your mental and physical health. You were going good with the no contact, you tried to be a grownup and inform him of important stuff that you got in the mail. Then he responds back with "thanks for telling me girly". He showed that he has no respect for you. Don't let this one thing of niceness you did for him get you down. You are almost tangled free of him with everything you said you have done.
You do understand, that the merry go round you were on was not going to change as long as he kept drinking. You were smart to get off. There was nothing you could of told him that would change his mind. His short breaks of not drinking was his way of keeping you "dizzy and confused and on the ride"
You will still have days where you will be sad. Those days will get less and less as you close this chapter of your life. Keep looking after yourself and doing things that bring you joy. You are a strong person and will get though this. Have a beautiful day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
I totally understand what you mean. I was told my whole life that I wasn't a good partier.... I think being in the "popular group" in jr high and high school didn't help me in that regard... everyone was drinking and partying in high school and I always felt so weird
Of course high school can be touchy and I know you didn't feel that way, but maybe it's time to reframe that? People wanted your company regardless of what you were up to - that's good criteria for friends at any time and reflects well on you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
