The in between place
Hi all... I read and re read the stickies and I love the in between place one. I feel that way right now. I cried so much today again. I cried until I threw up. I don't know why that keeps happening but I read it has something to do with stress. I am in some state of in between space. What I mean by that is when I read my former posts and journal entries that detail out the things my ex AH did and what I actually went through I feel like I go to a place of trauma and anger. When I don't do that and I try in my mind to think of him as someone who is just sick I go to a place of "Did I make a mistake?" "Maybe he is happy with someone new" " Maybe he is right and it is my fault"... I know logically these things are not true but my subconcious goes there and I start crying and grieving and then I have to remind myself of everything he put me through to remind myself of why it didn't work...... However, that is equally as hard because so many things I suppressed to be with him come up....
I know I am being impatient with myself but I am a firm believer of saying things out loud. Saying what I want and where I want to be so I am going to write it here as a reminder and also because you guys have become my tribe through this. So here goes....
Dear Higher Power,
I don't know why this all happened yet. Why I keep losing everything I love. Why I miscarried twins, why I lost my husband to alcoholism and his selfish behavior due to it, in turn loosing my step kids. Why my mom had 8 amputations in a 3 years period and is left with 1/2 a body and why my sister and I have had to walk through her well warented but really tough depression and drug addiction from it? Why does my exAH treat me like it is ok to have casual conversation with me when only 5 months ago we were talking about our future together? That really hurts....Why does he get to get over it so easily and I feel left feeling silly and once again "too emotional" for still caring. Why did I wait until my mid thirties to get married just to have it ripped away so quickly. I really wanted a family. I trusted in him and in you god that my heart would lead me the right direction. It just keeps feeling like it is one thing after another....
I would like to be in a place of indifference ... A place where I honor what I went through with him but where it doesn't consume me anymore. I would like to feel joy again ...not just in theory but in my heart. I would like to not do things that I once was passionate about because I know I "should be doing them" but do them because I want to. I would like to feel empowered and safe. Someday I would like to be a wife again... Not soon I know... But someday and I would like to have a partner in life to grow with. I would like this man to be kind, funny, and have a stability both in life and emotionally. I would love it if he had children I could help with and possibly would want more or to adopt. I am hoping this pain eases up sometime soon.... God knows that I have been through enough and I am still open to learning and growing .... I am doing everything I was taught God... I am working out, in therapy, still working, going on walks, not partying ... I have used the tools I have learned... If there are anymore I need to know to help get to the place I want to be please teach me them.
Thank you,
Kaya