The in between place

Old 10-26-2021, 06:08 PM
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The in between place

Hi all... I read and re read the stickies and I love the in between place one. I feel that way right now. I cried so much today again. I cried until I threw up. I don't know why that keeps happening but I read it has something to do with stress. I am in some state of in between space. What I mean by that is when I read my former posts and journal entries that detail out the things my ex AH did and what I actually went through I feel like I go to a place of trauma and anger. When I don't do that and I try in my mind to think of him as someone who is just sick I go to a place of "Did I make a mistake?" "Maybe he is happy with someone new" " Maybe he is right and it is my fault"... I know logically these things are not true but my subconcious goes there and I start crying and grieving and then I have to remind myself of everything he put me through to remind myself of why it didn't work...... However, that is equally as hard because so many things I suppressed to be with him come up....

I know I am being impatient with myself but I am a firm believer of saying things out loud. Saying what I want and where I want to be so I am going to write it here as a reminder and also because you guys have become my tribe through this. So here goes....

Dear Higher Power,
I don't know why this all happened yet. Why I keep losing everything I love. Why I miscarried twins, why I lost my husband to alcoholism and his selfish behavior due to it, in turn loosing my step kids. Why my mom had 8 amputations in a 3 years period and is left with 1/2 a body and why my sister and I have had to walk through her well warented but really tough depression and drug addiction from it? Why does my exAH treat me like it is ok to have casual conversation with me when only 5 months ago we were talking about our future together? That really hurts....Why does he get to get over it so easily and I feel left feeling silly and once again "too emotional" for still caring. Why did I wait until my mid thirties to get married just to have it ripped away so quickly. I really wanted a family. I trusted in him and in you god that my heart would lead me the right direction. It just keeps feeling like it is one thing after another....

I would like to be in a place of indifference ... A place where I honor what I went through with him but where it doesn't consume me anymore. I would like to feel joy again ...not just in theory but in my heart. I would like to not do things that I once was passionate about because I know I "should be doing them" but do them because I want to. I would like to feel empowered and safe. Someday I would like to be a wife again... Not soon I know... But someday and I would like to have a partner in life to grow with. I would like this man to be kind, funny, and have a stability both in life and emotionally. I would love it if he had children I could help with and possibly would want more or to adopt. I am hoping this pain eases up sometime soon.... God knows that I have been through enough and I am still open to learning and growing .... I am doing everything I was taught God... I am working out, in therapy, still working, going on walks, not partying ... I have used the tools I have learned... If there are anymore I need to know to help get to the place I want to be please teach me them.
Thank you,
Kaya
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Old 10-26-2021, 08:55 PM
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Kaya, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, I can feel your pain. I know it is cliche to say time heals but I think unfortunately this is something that the only way out is through. It sounds like you are doing everything right and making healthy choices. I feel like you are probably just around the corner from a whole new life. Hang in there, you've got this, and please don't be too hard on yourself, you have been dealt a really tough hand. Big hugs to you!
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Old 10-26-2021, 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Nd819 View Post
Kaya, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, I can feel your pain. I know it is cliche to say time heals but I think unfortunately this is something that the only way out is through. It sounds like you are doing everything right and making healthy choices. I feel like you are probably just around the corner from a whole new life. Hang in there, you've got this, and please don't be too hard on yourself, you have been dealt a really tough hand. Big hugs to you!
thank you. I did a 20 min meditation an hour ago … it helped calm me down
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Old 10-27-2021, 05:24 AM
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Hi LK,

Sorry that you had a sad day full of crying. You are under a lot of stress right now. You have a full-time job, bills, getting everything in your name, and the pain of a divorce. Any one of those things can bring stress, You are having to deal with all of them. You are going to feel overwhelmed at times. You are handling just fine. Yes, you cried. It’s your way of handling stress. We each have our ways of dealing with stress and anger. I tend to clean to deal with stress and anger. If you suppress it, it will only get worse.

Do whatever you need to do to get through the day. If that means saying things out loud (or writing them) for the universe to hear, then do it. It will help. Positive thought brings positive energy to your mind and body.

I know the pain of everything you are going through can be a lot to handle. You just want all of this sadness to be done with. This unfortunately takes time to get back to that happy place. You had 7 years of being treated like you were not worthy of the great, kind, and passionate person you are. You just need to seize the day and know it will be better than the past. You have learned and continue to learn what you need to be happy. You will get that passion for things back. You will find love again. Be kind to yourself and do the things that bring joy and happiness to your heart and soul. You will that life you yearn for. Keep being strong.

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Old 10-27-2021, 07:36 AM
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I’m sorry that you feel this pain. Wouldn’t it be great if detaching, finding joy, and taking care of yourself just was a finger snap and it’s all ok? Crap no it isn’t, and I think I’m a few weeks or months behind where you are in this “process”. But the statement of time healing is the only thing I can find some clarity and hope in. I hope you can also. Because right now the manure is deep and we’re wondering if our boots are tall enough to keep it out. I can only say that my heart goes out to you Kayla and I’m pulling for you! I don’t have enough experience in this yet to give good sage advice. But as I read your posts I can feel the ache in your heart and the holes on your soul that need healing.
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Old 10-27-2021, 07:38 AM
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I had a hardcore wake-up call about grief recently.

Like you, I’ve got some compounded grief going on, had an apartment fire, a miscarriage, my grandfather died of cancer, my husband relapsed, became suicidal, and then left me out-of-the-blue, my brother had a mental breakdown involving drugs and undiagnosed bipolar tendencies, and then my mother died of cancer a few months ago.

And at first, I could barely get out of bed, and did a lot of crying. Then I started to get some of my energy back, and started putting one foot in front of the other and thought I was “moving on.” BUT there is something new in my life that I’ve never dealt with before and I’m beginning to realize it’s because of grief—I am not ready or able to steer my own ship right now. My inner compass direction, that “vision” for what I want for my life, or where I’m “going,” it’s gone. I can wake up, and I can do LOTS of things. I can get work done, stay busy, go the gym, stay healthy, I can live. But if you ask me right now to have a plan or a goal or a vision, I don’t and I can’t. And I think that’s okay. I’m pretty sure it comes back, but on its own time. For now, I’m working on giving myself permission to live life one step at a time, and with a little less direction than I’m used to. Have trust that doing the bit that I can do is enough for now. And if anyone else is wondering why it’s 6-months, a year, or however long it takes and “I’m still not over it,” that’s on them.

Every time we get a little “better” feeling, I think we just unlock the next level of grief. And the deeper we get, the slower the healing is and the deeper it cuts. But it’s still important. This past weekend I finally admitted to myself I’m not as okay as I thought I was, and it was so freeing (I’m 7 months out from AH abandoning our life/marriage, and roughly 5 months out from my mom’s transcendence). I’ve worked my way through the tip of the iceberg, but now I finally see how much is below the surface, and it might be longer than I wanted to admit that I’ll be “in between” myself.

I’m trying to find the joy of looking at the liminal space as it’s own destination. And enjoying perhaps the perks of what you can do and know when you’re living “in-between.”
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Old 10-27-2021, 08:38 AM
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The in between place can be a difficult place to be. I've been there, and sometimes I find myself there, still.

Having grown up in a severely dysfunctional family, I grew up with a lot of patterns like codependency, alcoholic parent, anxious attachment style, DV, ADHD / FAS -- my brain chemistry is pretty whacked. So as a child, and even sometimes now, I wondered what it was the normal children were doing, what are the normal families doing?

I'd say about 2 years ago I really started digging deeply into the whys, and after the final breakup with XABF 5 months ago, really started to understand how all these cues affected me. One of the biggest things that affects me as an empathetic person are the energies and emotions I pick up from other people, and it can even be as non - specific as things I might read in the news or see on a TV show. I find I have to be very intentional with whom I spend time, if I choose to check social media, even how I'm interacting with and mediating between my children. My best days do begin with some of the healthy habits you're so good about, like healthy foods, meditating, exercising; but they remain best days because of the enriching things I engage in, like listening to great music and spending hours working on a piece I'm getting ready to sell.

I *know* how hard it is to find things about which you are passionate to spend your time and creative energy. It might be a way to find a healthy emotional balance and meaningful ways to spend time during the day.

One of my favorite times of the day is the time between times (the moment at sunrise and sunset when it's neither dark nor light). It's magic comes from being neither and both. How would it feel to you to be able to change the in between place in which you are now to the time between times? How would it feel to you to be able to live in that moment all the time?
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Old 10-27-2021, 08:06 PM
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Thank you everyone... all of your insight has been so helpful today. I want to write back about each thing but I am sleepy...yay no crying tonight... a little today but at least not overwhelming amounts tonight
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